Archives for December 2023

The Shortness of the day can be meaningful.  Look at all we have for which to be grateful:

• Less time to listen to our elected officials call each other names.
• Less time for Kardashians to break up with their boyfriends.
• Less time for gun nuts to whine about their misunderstanding of the 2nd Amendment.
• Less time for Facebook philosophers to rail against us radical socialist leaning liberals.
• Less time for the Supreme Court Justices to accept graft.
• Less time for me to waste your time as well.
• Shorter work day.

I know, it’s still 24 hours and shortest day actually refers to the amount of sunlight in the 24 hour period.  I am taking what is known amongst us professional writers as “Poetic License.”  Hey, you try being clever or insightful 365 days a year (366 on Leap Year).

Not Possible! (Although I come close…)

And we are in the agonizing throes of some terribly distressing events.

1.  Bad Bunny and Kendall Jenner have broken up after nearly a year of dating.  At least it’s not about the Kardashians…Huh?  Oh…
2. Travis Kelce had to stay in Kansas City for a mandatory practice and missed Taylor Swift’s NYC Birthday Bash.  Tay Tay should have bought the team and given him a pass…

So get ready because unless I am uncharacteristically wrong another catastrophe is on the horizon.  So until then I will…WHAT?  Oh no, it has happened:

     Cardi B has just confirmed her split from Offset!  I’ll bet she’s regretting that $500,000 cash birthday gift.   She gave him half a mil and for me, nada!  I didn’t even get a like on Facebook from her.

Well, I’m still glad the third shoe dropped.  Let the healing begin!

I need to set the record straight.

Chiara Ferragni has almost 30 million Instagram followers.  She is facing a $1 million fine after Italian authorities said she misled consumers.  She has a partnership with a pastry brand, Balocco.  They bake a Pandoro, a traditional Italian Christmas dessert.  Long story short she made it sound like buying one was for charity but, in her case, charity may have begun at home.

It got me to thinking that perhaps I have made some statements here that may have misled you.  I realize I have a few less followers but a responsibility to always be truthful! So let me set the record straight.

if I ever gave you the impression that D.J. Trump was even remotely a decent human being, or that he gave a rat’s ass about anyone but himself, or that he deserves anything but a prison cell, I humbly apologize. 

Whew, glad to get that off my chest!

Adults 18+ years are needed for a mental health study conducted by the prestigious Port-au-Prince Medical School.

If you have had or are considering one of these surgeries you may be eligible for compensation for participating in a study to determine if you are insane, unbalanced or just in need of a good slap and reality check:

• Blepharoplasty
• Phalloplasty
• Labiaplasty
• More than 1 facelift
• Medical Grade Elbow Loofah-plasty.

Don’t worry.  I have no idea what any of this means either.  Nature abhors a vacuum so I had to fill the space.

Great idea for an article from the daily “Nice News” email.  The recipes from the films included the following:

• Serendipity’s Frozen Hot Chocolate from the Kate Beckinsale and John Cusack rom-com where they sip frozen hot chocolate at Serendipity restaurant in New York City.
• Birds of Prey’s Breakfast Sandwich Harley Quinn’s perfect breakfast sandwich, “Egg! Bacon! American cheese! Soft, toasted, buttered roll! Just a dash of hot sauce!”  And an extra helping of Margot Robbie.
• Julie and Julia’s Boeuf Bourguignon a savory stew melt-in-your-mouth dish served up by Meryl Streep and Amy Adams.
• The Hundred-Foot Journey’s Masala Omelette combines eggs with a variety of spices and herbs for a familiar breakfast favorite..in Mumbai.
• Fantastic Mr. Fox’s Nutmeg Ginger Apple Snaps are a must for imaginary tea parties.
• Lady and the Tramp’s Spaghetti and Meatballs.  I always wanted to copy the iconic scene where they share a strand of spaghetti and their lips meet but I never found a dog that would agree to do it.  Woof means No!

Looking over the list the dishes are a bit pedestrian.  I’d like to see some dishes from more esoteric films; perhaps The Jeffrey Dahmer Story? 

Perhaps we should be embracing the people who have come to our borders seeking a better life. 

According to the 2023 World Happiness Report Co-authored by Lara Aknin and John Helliwell, Luxembourg made the top 10 and 58.2% of its residents were born outside the country.  They are a nation of immigrants…like us only happier. The United States did not make the top 10 as all countries were judged by six key factors — social support, income, health, freedom, generosity, and absence of corruption.  We were probably doing fine until we hit that bothersome “absence of corruption” stuff.

I’ll bet we were in the bottom 10 in that category.

Paris has once again been named the world’s most popular city destinations, according to an annual report by global market research company Euromonitor International.  The United States appeared on the list for the first time at #8 with New York City, the business, art and cultural capital of the nation and then again at #19 Los Angeles, the nation’s urban cesspool, but a city not without its charms.

Couldn’t tell you one but there must be some reason people flock there.  Perhaps to meet David Hasselhoff?

And an exciting day it was throughout time as many famous people who changed the course of history were born on this day. 
This iconic list of names includes people like the following:

• Actor Hal Williams best known for something that escapes me.
• Singer-actor Abbe Lane; AKA Mrs. Xavier Cugat; wow, right?
• Pop singer Joyce Vincent Wilson of the ground-breaking wild people of rock, Tony Orlando and Dawn.
• Actor Sophie Monk whom I am sure does get a job, occasionally.
• Actor-singer-musician Jackson Rathbone; no relation to Basil Rathbone, the only real portrayer of iconic master sleuth Sherlock Holmes.
• British actor, writer and comedian Miranda Hart.  Finally someone I know and love that really is talented. Star of the cleverly titled sitcom “Miranda.” Such fun!
• Oh yeah, it’s my birthday too.  What did you buy me?  Don’t worry, your admiration and loyalty is enough! (But cash is always appreciated).

Why try and thoughtfully reason out or explain something when the above phrase covers every possibility?   Here are a few more gems guaranteed to make you sound like an arrogant nerd, and not the good kind of nerd that can fix your computer, explain bitcoin, set up your Wi-Fi or make a fortune in on-line gaming.

• ” You always do that!”  – Nobody always does anything with one exception: Politicians always lie.
• “No Offense but…” – They will be offended and possibly resort to physical violence (May include guns in Florida and Texas).
• “Can’t you take a joke?” – Can’t you take a knee in the groin?
• “Vacay, Merch or hubby” – Shortening common words is not cute, saves no time and makes you sound like the pompous jerk-wad you are. 
• Tell me, without telling me” – I am at a loss on this one.  
• “There are lots of fish in the sea” – Count again and the ones that are left have mercury poisoning.
• “If I’m being honest” – That would be nice…for a change.
• “Literally”- Rarely is it used correctly.  There was literally a million people at my party or every idiot believes the presidential election was a fraud. Oh wait, that last one’s true.
• “Needless to say” – If it’s needless to say shut your pie hole!

When in doubt just say, “Hmm interesting,” or STFU!

Costco is now offering $500.00 in gift Cards for Southwest Airlines for the discounted price of $429.99.  I think it would be a fabulous deal if you could use the cards on Alaska or Delta Airlines!

Oh, you drank the Southwest Kool-Aid?  Personally I prefer to have an assigned seat rather than entering Thunder Dome every time I fly to fight for a marginally comfortable seat after paying extra to get on earlier even though you never know how early that will be.  No thanks.

I’m a peaceful man; a lover not a fighter.  I’ll have one on the aisle, please.  Guaranteed!