Archives for October 2023

I thought I was, but I have received about 400 emails in the last 3 months telling me the same thing:  “Last Reminder: Your Antivirus Protection Expires Today!”

A lesser man might panic, be soaked in flop sweat and inundated with thoughts of a quick and painless death; anything to avoid the agony of a computer virus born in the bowels of hell or Moscow or Mar-a-Lago. 

But I thrive on danger, seek out the unimaginable and scoff at threats of fatal viral attacks.  As I delete my spam and stare at my potentially virus infected screen, I pour myself three fingers of Macallan 1926 and telepathically send the message to all who seek my computer’s demise by the introduction of a sinister virus through an unprotected portal: 

“Suck on THIS for 12 minutes Butt-munch!”

“What’s in a Post?  Would not a Post by any other name smell?”
“We know what we Posted, but know not what we may Post…”
“Post to many, speak to few.”
“All the world’s a blog, and all the men and women merely Posters.”

(In case you are too slow to have figured out what’s going on here, let me draw you a picture.  I have nothing to say today so to fill space I am pretending to be erudite by using the framework of Shakespearean quotes to cloak my failure in a garment of faux literary mastery when in fact any idiot that can do a basic Google search can accomplish the same thing only better.  Save yourself and move along.  Go read a book.)

“Posts without thoughts never go to heaven.”
“Posteo posteo, wherefore art though posteo? (Yikes, bad by even my low standards)
“You deserve a break today, so get out and get away to my Post.” (How’d that get in there?)
“I Post, therefore I am.”  (That’s not Shakespeare…What the H…?)

Enough!  Be off with you!

Dubbed “The unhealthiest omelet at popular breakfast chains,” Denny’s Ultimate omelet should be eaten with a defibrillator close at hand.

The Nutrition Facts:
PER OMELET (Includes hash browns and white toast): 1,140 calories, 77g fat (23g saturated fat), 2,110mg sodium, 63g carbs (3 g fiber, 7g sugar), 44g protein.  Get half your calories and all of your sodium in one meal!

“Charge to 200…Clear…ZAAAP!….Again charge to 250…Clear…ZAAAP!…I’m getting a pulse.”
Whew, that was a close one!

It’s like breakfast and a Disneyland adventure all-in-one!

According to the “Eat This, Not That” email newsletter below are 7 foods neurosurgeons avoid:

1. Sugar-packed foods like ice cream and cookies
2. Trans-fats like deep fried foods.
3. Highly Processed foods like potato chips
4. Excessive Alcohol
5. High sodium foods like cold cuts
6. Artificial sweeteners
7. Excessive caffeine

What are they crazy?  I can’t give up everything that tastes good.  But I believe what they say is good advice so in order to comply I will not become a neurosurgeon.

We all have to make some sacrifices to good health.

Many things and I happen to be prepared to relate them to you as follows:

1. They are all Whirlpool Products.
2. They all suck and although expensive are of the lowest quality.
3. Their customer service is a series of form letters telling you how much they care and to go F-Off.
4. Although I cannot say for sure I have heard from a reliable source the company executives all must join a cabal of cannibals and dine regularly on the flesh of unhappy customers (which means anyone who has bought one of their products).

I heard they did once, by mistake, sell a refrigerator that worked.  They did not send anyone to destroy the evidence but did fire the quality control inspector that let it get out and had him blackballed from the industry.  

Instant Karma gonna get you…I hope!

If you wish to post something here and pay the standard fee, currently $1,500.00 per word, please let me know.  First contact your lawyer.  If he tells you it’s a good idea get another lawyer.

What would I do without Groucho in my life?

• James Chadwick discovered the Neutron in 1932. The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius, did not air until 2002.
• There are 118 Elements on the Periodic Table.  The symbol for Oxygen is O, Hydrogen is H, C is Carbon and N is Nitrogen.  Gold is AU.  Makes sense.
• Wilhelm Röntgen Invented the X-Ray in 1895.  X-ray glasses were not included in cereal boxes until the 1950’s.
• The 28 bones in the hands are called Phalanges.  The bones are delicate and highly moveable allowing us to pick up things, but it only takes the 3 bones of your middle finger to express your displeasure to the jerk-wad that cut you off in traffic.
• Carbon Dioxide makes your soda bubbly.  Carbon Monoxide binds to your hemoglobin reducing the blood’s ability to carry oxygen.  It can make you sick or possibly kill you.  Don’t confuse the two.

And YES, these facts WILL be on the test!

Me!
This website costs money to keep up and I receive no funds; only the joy of knowing I fill a void as there is no one else who fills a website with meaningless drivel like I do!  I have decided to become an influencer for good as I have heard influencers make a lot of money.  So here I go:

**Influence #1:  Don’t do drugs.  And if you are an idiot who does drugs, stop!

Where do I go to collect my money?

Now that failed retailer Bed Bath & Beyond is no more we are bombarded with a spate of emails hawking their wares on-line.  Apparently their name was purchased  or they were purchased by Overstock.  Who cares?  Change is difficult so it’s comforting to know there is still a place where you can overpay for questionable quality household items.

“Dear BB&B:  Time to go into the light!”

HOLLYWOOD:  Creator of magic and the stuff of dreams!  Perhaps not always dreams; more like a dirt nap.

I mean who would knowingly expose their workers to the dangers of breathing asbestos?   While it may sound like a joke, that is exactly what they did while filming The Wizard of Oz. The 1939 version of The Wizard of Oz has a scene in a field of poppies (the movie is rife with symbolism), where “snow” falls on Dorothy, the Scarecrow, the Cowardly Lion, and the Tin Man. That snow was made from 100% industrial-grade chrysotile asbestos, even though the dangerous health complications related to asbestos had been known for several years. Back when there was no CGI, they had to do whatever it took to make a film look good!

Where are the Hollywood MAGAs?  Make Artistry Great Again!  Let’s go back to the days when nothing was off the table to create great film artistry; even Asbestosis and Mesothelioma!