Archives for October 2023

“…You don’t give me nothing you can smell my feet!”
Remember the good old days when Halloween was fun and spawned great jokes and clever verse that stimulated the intellect?

• Why can’t ghosts have children?  Because they have Hollow Weenies!
• Why did the ghost go into the bar? To down a shot of Boos and get sheet-faced!
• Why can’t you eat a ghost?  Because they taste like sheet!

Halloween used to be fun. Now it’s all about scaring people: “
“Trump may be president again.” YIKES!!  Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!

This might be the scariest Halloween on record.

The octopus is also considered one of the smartest animals in the world as demonstrated by its ability to unscrew the lid of a jar from the inside and free themselves.
Three hearts and intelligence?  We know it would never make it as the republican nominee for president.

The current front-runner is more of a Jellyfish; no heart or brain yet followed by millions. The wonders of the Animal Kingdom!

On October 19th of this year the Oregon State Board of Education voted unanimously to suspend the essential skills graduation requirement.  Previously students were required to demonstrate basic proficiency in reading, writing and ‘rithmatic (AKA Math) in order to graduate.  But due to the pandemic this requirement has been suspended until the 2027-2028 school year.  This will give enough time for every country that has not already advanced beyond our averages, to leave us in the dust, academically speaking.

A high school diploma will now carries all the value of a participation trophy in a tetherball tournament. (Apologies to tetherball…they never did anything to warrant such disrespect).

Thank you Edgar Cayce for this beautiful insight.  People are so afraid an entire political party has lined up behind an ignorant narcissist nut bag to stave off their anxiety although I can’t figure out why.

Perhaps if we all could put our fear on hold for a short time we could find an intelligent, empathetic and selfless individual deserving of leading our country.  Unfortunately that would require intelligence, (see quote).

I know!  Let’s all get AR-15s, bump stocks, hollow point ammunition and remove any requirement blocking concealed carry, or as it is popularly known “a republican’s wet dream.”  Then we will have nothing to worry about!

Listen and learn:
You can think of cognitive reserve as your brain’s ability to improvise and find alternate ways of getting a job done.  It reflects how agile your brain is in pulling in skills and capacities to solve problems and cope with challenges. Cognitive reserve is developed by a lifetime of education and curiosity.  

Now consider Cognitive Dissonance, a total mess of brain with no ability to think on their own, make rational, intelligent decisions or provide any value to the world.  These people are easily identified by their red MAGA hats.

That’s just too easy…sorry, i fell behind and needed a few quick wins to catch up.

It’s official.  Jonathan Scott and Zooey Deschanel are getting hitched and here is the big news: They are going to have bagpipes at their wedding! 

I know I’m excited.  In truth it does take one burden off the wedding planner.  If something happens and the bagpiper does not show up all they need to do is plug in a rusty old Hoover vacuum with a moth eaten bag and nobody will know the difference.

But I agree, bagpipes are the way to go…if William Wallace is marrying Mary, Queen of Scots!  Otherwise, book a DJ.

A light-hearted look at some interesting facts:

1. A single cow can produce 200,000 glasses of milk it its lifetime.
2. Mountain lions can whistle.
3. Bees have five eyes – 2 large compound eyes and 3 smaller ocelli eyes.
4. A Hippopotamus can open its mouth wider than any other land animal, 180°.
5. The airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow is 24 m.p.h.
6. An orange-tinted sociopath can spout election lies at an astounding rate.
7. There are millions of humans stupid and afraid enough to accept the lies with zero proof.

In the words of the great American Ed Grimley, “We’re as doomed as doomed can be I must say!”

WebMD will tell you the answer.  One is actual fat and the other may be intermittent pressure based a variety of causes; none very pleasant. 

Let me make it easy for you.  It’s fat.  There, I am now right 99% of the time.  And if not, lay off the bean burritos  You could stand to lose a few pounds anyway.

There has been a great deal of discussion as to the meaning of a dog’s smile; is it a real sign of happiness?  While there is debate on smiles, dogs have many ways to express their love to humans.  Dogs tend to gaze into their owners’ eyes, a gesture that increases the level of oxytocin (one of the “happy hormones”) in both pet and parent.  Other research has noted tail wags and face licks as evidence of a puppy’s happy emotions.

Humans also pet, scratch, kiss and feed their dogs.  But the greatest proof of  how much you love your dog is taking him for a walk and then collecting his droppings.  Does anyone love you that much?

1. Blue Whale
2. Armillaria Ostoyae
3. Sequoia Tree
4. African Elephant

Of course it’s the Armillaria Ostoyae…Duh!   This plant, commonly known as the “Honey Fungus,” forms a vast underground network known as mycelium.  The largest known plant is estimated to cover 2385 acres.  This parasitic fungus can do immense damage to forests and is greatly feared by foresters and gardeners alike; it attacks both coniferous and occasionally broad-leaf trees. By the time the fruit bodies are in evidence, the damage internally is usually so great that the tree is doomed.

A perfect metaphor for our political landscape.  The Trump Fungi (sociopathus narcissus orangeola) has permeated his party and the rot, when fully exposed, will mean the demise of all it touched.  Let’s hope he doesn’t take the whole country with him.