Archives for September 2023

As an homage to its creator, this page contains nothing, an exact duplicate of his brain today.
I got nothing!

Love means never having to say your sorry.

I have been blessed with a gift I must share.  I shall endeavor to answer questions and reveal truths regarding the mysteries of life. 

The first one comes from The Bible: Acts 2:6-9,

“And at this sound the crowd gathered and was bewildered, because each one heard them speaking in the native language of each. Amazed and astonished, they asked, ‘Are not all these who are speaking Galileans? And how is it that we hear, each of us, in our own native language?’“

This one’s a no-brainer; Google Translate was miraculously downloaded to each of their cellphones without the use of their Apple ID.  Astounding!
He, (or She), works in mysterious ways!

In 1974 President Gerald Ford gave former President Richard Nixon a full and complete pardon for the crimes that were committed during the Watergate Scandal. His reasoning was that a pardon would end the divisiveness in our country and we all might resume working together for the benefit of our nation.

So is it time to give the same treatment to our criminally indicted ex-president even though he never spent 1 minute trying to unify the country or represent all its citizens?   Hmmm no.  I have a better idea.  Let’s meditate using the following mantra: “Lock him up! Lock him up! Lock him up! Lock him up!”

(Fade out playing Sam Cooke’s Chain Gang. “That’s the sound of the men working on the chain, ga-a-a-ang.”  So inspiring!)

We all were given a name at birth we were required to accept.  You occasionally hear of a name change but it usually has some significance other than just wanting to be called something different.  The reason might be a gender change, a parent who deserted them, to get out of a contract, or for show biz because…”There’s no business like show business like no business I know!”

But I had an epiphany when Zava brought his Zen-like wisdom to AFC Richmond and inspired Goalkeeper Thierry Zoreaux to call himself whatever he felt.  Instantly Zoreaux became Van Damme!  A goalkeeper to reckon with! 
(*Note: If you don’t get the reference than you have not seen “Ted Lasso” on Apple TV.  Get a free trial or spend $6.99 for one month and power watch the three seasons.  It’s worth it.  You might want to change your name!).  
What name would inspire me to rise up and attain greatness or more greatness than I already have achieved, if that’s possible?  So this is what I’m thinking:

• Master Po – My wisdom is sound, Grasshopper.
• The Artist Formerly Known as Fred – Why limit my possibilities with a name? It worked for Prince; maybe.
• $ – Replace my name with a symbol.  A symbol worshipped by all!  Again, Prince-like.
• Casanova – I do have a reputation of being well-schooled in the ways of love. (You heard that, right?)
• D.J. Deepak – I spin the latest wisdom for your dancing pleasure.
• George Clooney – I get mistaken for him all the time so I might as well be able to answer YES!

Perhaps I’ll stick with Fred.  Not cool but very retro. And the paperwork to change it would be a nightmare.

Nudiustertian:  [noo-dee-uhs-tur-shuhn] – It means day before yesterday.  This word is rarely used in modern English, but is found in historical texts or literature.  The word directly translates to “today is the third day,”

Disappointing!  I assumed, as I am sure you did, that this referred to a citizen of the ancient civilization Nudie where the human form was celebrated, not reviled or covered up.  It was a pre-historic “woke” nation.  And as could be expected special attention was paid to females between the ages of 18 and 39 whose weight was in proportion to their height and who possessed a particularly open mind when it came to fulfilling the desires of the stronger and more intelligent males.

Hey!  You have your definition of “Woke” and I have mine.  My pronouns are “Yowza” and “Hubba-Hubba!”

How many times a day do we hear people mixing up these two words?

Halvah is a traditional sweet candy made from sesame paste originating from the Middle East. The recipe for halvah varies from region-to-region, but tahini (sesame paste) is the common ingredient in most recipes.

Havdalah, or “separation” in Hebrew, is Shabbat’s closing ritual, when three stars appear on Saturday evening. In a simple multi-sensory ceremony, with blessings over lights, wine or grape juice, and spices, Havdalah is an inspiring way to end Shabbat and start the new week as a family.

I hope this explanation finally clears up any confusion on your part.  Now get on with your life!

This is the question asked in an email from Keith Kaplan, the CEO of TradeSmith, in the on-line publication Future Money Orbit.  And big surprise, if you purchase a subscription to the publication he will identify the frightening future megatrend allowing you to make a small fortune; that is, if you have a large fortune to invest.

I don’t need to pay to know what Elon is terrified of.  It’s the same thing that scares us all.  The recurring dream that we are out in public naked and, for some reason, have no idea why or how to get home.

The self-appointed bastion of important information regarding nutrition “Eat This, Not That!” published a list of nine foods that, should you decide to consume them Mr. Phelps, will actively work to destroy muscle and transform your physique from Roman gladiator to “dad bod.” (This explains a lot about me). 

Strikingly apparent was that most of the offenders on the list began with the letter “F” including Fried Chicken, Fatty Cold Cuts, French Fries, Frappuccino Sweetened coffee drinks and Frozen Pizza.  Employing my uncanny skill of deductive reasoning, would it not make sense, for ease of implementation, if one simply refrains from eating any food that begins with the tainted letter thereby retaining muscle tone and all the perks that it implies.

Solving the world’s problems is not as difficult as one might think.  Just listen and do as I say!

***NOTE: You youngsters may have missed the significance of my reference to Mr. Phelps deciding to accept a challenge.  You only know Ethan Hunt portrayed by diminutive actor Tom Cruise.  For those of us growing up glued to the television in the 1960’s, Jim Phelps, channeled by Peter Graves, will forever be the only leader of the Impossible Missions Force!  I don’t mean to take anything away from Tom.  He is quite an actor.  Remember he pulled off playing uber-tough guy Jack Reacher when Reacher, as written in the novels, had fists bigger than Tom’s head.
I love this business we call Show!

Once again the AARP is watching out for us old codgers by blowing the lid off the clandestine world of the senior discount!  This is the list of what they call surprising: Kohl’s, Rite Aid, Pep Boys, Walgreens, Goodwill, Michaels and Ross Dress for Less.  I’m not sure of your initial reaction, but there is nothing surprising to me about this banal line-up of retail mediocrity.  Who cares?

Here are 7  truly surprising retail enterprises that should be giving us venerated seniors much needed and deserved discounts:

1. Chuck E. Cheese: They know how to throw a birthday party and we deserve it!
2. Scores Gentlemen’s Club: We have our memories…Women welcome on Tuesday nights!
3. Rolex:  Discount please! I’d wear an authentic diamond encrusted platinum Rolex as long as I could get it for under $100.
4. Masa – NYC:  Their 3 Michelin Stars allows them to charge $1,000.00 per person for their Omakase, but seniors need overpriced pretentious meals as well!  75% off please. 
5. Spirit Airlines:  I doubt they would give 10% off to the C.E.O.s mother.  But for seniors a good discount might be worth risking a flight with them.
6. Gymboree: & Bounce House:  Age is only a number.  We want to play too for as long as our hips hold out.
7. Forever 21: That’s right.  Grandma can still rock a little black cocktail dress.

Let’s get some discounts that actually help seniors on fixed incomes!

Harvard Medical School sent me some great information I was excited to share with you.  Their experts, they said, reveal how to defuse anger-provoking situations and control one’s temper in a constructive way.  They promise to teach you the following: six ways to cool off; the “4-7-8” breathing method; a well-documented mood-booster; how to let go of a consuming grudge; 3 ways to lean into empathy.  All great stuff.

But when I clicked the link to begin the journey to a kinder, gentler Fred, there was no information but a demand for $18.00 to get the download.  They mentioned nothing about needing to pay when they got my hopes up in their initial email.

Now I’m really, really angry.  Someone there must feel my wrath; I’ll visit them soon.  Thanks Harvard…thanks for NOTHING!!!!!!!