Archives for August 2023

Yes, there is a group of researchers that actually completed this study and it was based on something called “Science,” a very unpopular word these days within the vocal community of idiots.  So for those of you with a functioning brain I present the 4 reasons:

1. Your Blood Type:  For some reason the blood-thirsty little critters love O Positive, the most common type:
2. Your Body Odor:  Rockefeller University researchers determined that people who had higher levels of a chemical compound called carboxylic acid attracted more mosquitos.  I am fortunate as my natural scent has been described as a blend of fresh flowers and a citrus orchard.
3. Your Breath:  One study showed that pregnant women, who produce and exhale over 20 percent more carbon dioxide, are bitten twice as often as those who aren’t pregnant.  So I guess pregnant women would do well to keep quiet. (Oh, I am in trouble for that one!)
4. Your Beer Habit:  A small study published in the Journal of the American Mosquito Control Association found that drinking a single beer increased mosquito attraction.  Supreme Court Judge Brett “I like beer. Do you like beer?” Kavanaugh must be riddled with red bite marks, poor devil (or just devil).

There is an obvious 5th reason, though not included in the study but for which we have a mountain of anecdotal evidence:
        5.  You Are a Butt-Munch:  Nobody likes a butt-munch, not even mosquitos, so they do it for the simple joy of inflicting pain on jerk-wads…Perhaps like you?

As an “Influencer,” a title I never sought but was bestowed on me by an adoring thong…throng, I bear great responsibility.  Like Dr. Meredith in “Real Genius” I find the young people of today so enjoy it and gain inspiration when I get down with them verbally, so to speak.  Keeping up with current trends in phraseology is not easy, word to your mother, so keeping it real is my mantra.  And staying vernacularly hip, for shizzle, is like verbally throwing another shrimp on the barbie, my man! So exsqueeze me cuz it’s time I make like a tree…and leave!  Namaste and 23 skidoo small change. Peace out!

(Fist Bump, Mic drop. soul hand shake, jazz hands…fade out)

This question came in my email as an enticement to sign up for a daily trivia quiz.  Although sports trivia is not my strong suit, or actually any suit at all, I did find this interesting for one reason.  At last, something I care about even less than the Kardashians!
BTW, the answer is 3.

More Sports Trivia:  Jack Nicklaus leads all pro golfers with 18 major tournament wins, followed by Tiger Woods with 15.  Tiger most likely would have broken the record if he could have kept it in his pants; you know, honored that seemingly obsolete virtue of being faithful to one’s wife.

Let me think about golf…Nope, still don’t care.

I received an email from Mint telling me I pay my bills on time so I can qualify for more credit cards.  I have 3 and since I retired have carried zero balances, (I am illustrating a point…not bragging!). 

It’s flattering but I can’t use another credit card.  It would be like finding out that Margot Robbie has a crush on me and wants to spend the weekend together in Palm Springs.  I’d be flattered…but totally useless.

(I’d have a better shot at using another credit card!)

Anatidaephobia is the fear that a duck may be watching you. The term comes from the Greek word “anatidae,” which means “swan, ducks, or geese,” and “phobos,” which means “fear.” 

It’s not a phobia if it’s really happening!
Will someone please look out the front window and tell me if that steely eyed, sneering-billed psychopathic Teal is still there?  Watching…waiting…

But to enjoy these delicious chemicals you must BUY AMERICAN because they have been banned in Europe.  Why?  They are so tasty even though:

• Potassium Bromate is found in 130 products including breads and store-bought cookies and has been linked to cancer.
• Titanium dioxide is found in 3,000 products including Skittles and Starburst candy. It can actually break strands and damage DNA.
• Red Dye #3 is in over 2,000 packaged foods and has been linked to cancer and child brain damage.

I know what you’re thinking.  You would have to eat a ton of those chemicals to have any bad side-effects and who eats more than one Skittle, one cookie or one slice of bread?

On second thought don’t worry about it.  There’s a million other things that will probably kill you first.  Enjoy!

This disturbing notice recently appeared on their website.  It got me thinking about all the people visiting Chicago (my beloved home town) this summer that have only a small window of opportunity and were planning on going to the museum on that day.  Too late to make other arrangements they will be forever disappointed at having missed the joy and wonder of Chicago’s history.  Damn charity fundraisers!!

A few years ago a wrinkle of this magnitude in the space/time continuum may have gone unnoticed by me.  But since retiring I have the time to immerse myself in all manner of events going on on about the country, assess them with a keen and critical eye and spread the word to concerned citizens searching for the truth.  I have been seen as a beacon of light illuminating injustice wherever it rears its ugly head (and it’s not only Linda praising me, I’m sure there are others). 

I don’t do it for the glory.  It’s the right thing to do!

I long ago gave up the time and money wasting horrors of cable television and went for strictly streaming programming.  I began with Amazon and Netflix.  Next was Hulu and after hearing everyone sing the praises of Ted Lasso I signed up for Apple (actually I got 3 free months when I bought an iPad).  Being somewhat of an anglophile BritBox, Acorn and BBC were next along with AMC, PBS, etc. etc. etc.  And like a gym membership all were on free trials that never got cancelled even though they went unwatched months at a time, (one can only stomach so many British police procedurals…although I do love them).  As you can imagine my monthly charges grew exponentially.  

Today I “manned up,” took responsibility for my actions and cancelled a boatload of streaming services, saving myself the whopping total of $32.96 a month.  Doing the math that translates into an extra $395.52 a year to spend on the things that matter most in life, that help make this world a better place to live, raise our children and promote sustainability for generations to come.  By adding  a mere 48 cents, less than a pack of gum, that money will allow me to purchase an additional 198 tickets for the Powerball lottery game where the jackpot now stands at $215,000,000.00.

I like my odds!

Words from Edgar Cayce, the great American clairvoyant and founder of the Association of Research and Enlightenment, formed in 1931.

Using Eddie’s logic, the fact that our politicians are trying to move us back to the Dark Ages is actually a good thing because at least we are moving, really?  Going backwards, he must have been a republican.  If he were a democrat he’d have just stood there and done nothing.

Of course, today we just call it Schizophrenia.