Archives for July 2023

This was the subject line of an email I received from the sender “CarShield.” It had been almost 48 hours since I received a robo-call  from a car warranty company so I had become worried enough to look at the content. There was not a single word about a car warranty in the email.  It turned out to be a $10.00 discount offer from a plus-size (fat) clothing company called Torrid. 

It struck me that if they are using an extended car warranty as a come-on to entice you to buy plus-size intimate apparel, can the Apocalypse be far behind?

P.S. If you are interested in the $10 off a purchase of $40 or more use promo-code Welcome10.  Happy to help! 

Yeah, Right.  What a crock
“The new thinking is do something you are good at that pays well. You do not want your hobbies and passions ruined by office politics. I’ve heard quite a few people say that doing what they loved for a living caused them to hate what they loved.”

Today’s modern aphorism has been refined:  “Do someone you love, then go to work and be miserable or unfulfilled like the rest of us!” 
(And by rest of us I mean the rest of you. I’m retired!) 

Sounds promising…right?  But the article by the AARP is just a bunch of chin music with little application in real life. Here are a few of the 99 cut and pasted verbatim:

• 15. Comparison shop for vacation homes.
• 23. Learn your wiper blades.
• 26. Use your door to fill your tires.
• 36. Reverse your ceiling fan in the winter.
• 70. Request a lower credit card interest rate … 
• 87. Buy pre-owned Eveningwear. 

And the hits just keep on coming!  With dynamic tips like these a family struggling to put food on the table will soon be standing in line for a new Tesla!  Here are a few real ideas taken from my new best-selling book “Avoiding the Collection Plate”  Available on line $19.95 from Vanity Self-Publishing, LLC. :

• Change your phone number and don’t tell anyone.
• Greet callers that get through with the phrase “The answer is no.”
• Organic? I’ll pass!  The health benefits of pesticides they don’t want you know!
• Paying for porn?  What are you, crazy?
• Drop in to see friends and family at meal time, unannounced. (This is a temporary fix as you may see your pool of friends dry up).
• Limit charitable giving to organizations where most of the money goes to the needy and not to employees and fundraisers (Good Luck finding one).
• 12 bills you can pay late without penalty.  (This one alone is worth the price of the book!)

At the end of the day it’s all about being of service to humanity…and sticking it to “The Man!”

Ever wonder why your face resembles a casaba melon that missed its Botox injection?

It might be because you use only 17 muscles to smile but a whopping 43 muscles to frown.  Scientists have determined it takes roughly 2000 frowns to create one facial wrinkle.  And no doofus, although I may have occasionally used “alternate facts,” for comedic purposes, this one is true.  (Alternate facts is a term concocted by the pin-up girl from Gehenna, Kellyanne Conway (speaking of prune faces) to explain her puppet master’s lies).   So unless you want your mug shot to mirror a dehydrated ugli fruit, you might just help yourself keep that youthful appearance by smiling a little more. “A smile is a frown turned upside down…”  “If you smile you can forget all of your troubles for a while…”

***Editor’s Note: While the number 2,000 is a popular theory, there are other doctors that say the figure is closer to 200,000.  The important thing to remember here is nobody really gives a rat’s ass!

Just to put it in perspective, in 2014 a copy of Action Comic #1 from 1938 where Superman first appeared sold for $3.2 million.  Although I had never planned on selling, recent events necessitate that I offer my original copy of Clasicos Infantiles #7, Caperucita Roja, for sale.

Listen to what the experts say about this rare Español version of the European classic Le Petit Chaperon Rouge:
Magnifico!  Pancho V.
Muy bien! Diego R.
Elegante…Freida K.
Magico…Carlos S

Of course I don’t expect it to match the price of a Superman comic so I will let it go to the first 7 figure offer!

The previous fleeting fantasy brought to you by DESPERATION, the makers of other unattainable dreams such as winning the Powerball or Mega Millions jackpot; receiving a cash filled suitcase from George Clooney or purchasing an original Tiffany Lamp for $5.00 at the local thrift shop!

I created the Daily Inflammation as an outlet for my venomous rants; a safety valve where, under the sheer veil of humor and sarcasm, I can spout off on important topics without any false hope of others adopting my views.   Today is different.  Today I send love and acceptance to everyone.

I mean everyone.  Everyone is deserving of our love including republicans, democrats, libertarians, green party members, socialists, conservatives, liberals, peace and freedom party members; all veterans and those who paid off doctors to diagnose fake bone spurs; single moms and stay-at-home dads; heartless C.E.O.’s and their mistresses; assembly line workers; farm hands, baristas and servers; aging, surly stewardesses now there for our safety and their amusement finding plausible excuses to block passengers in need from using the toilet; door dash and uber eats drivers snacking on out order as the food cools; and everyone just trying to get through this thing Prince called life.  I send love.  And yes, even to the whining, straw headed comb-over orange in Florida, the man that can’t S-T-F-U even to save his own neck; to the serial narcissistic sociopath channeling hitler and living for nothing but to bring down all enemies and become a ruthless dictator, even to him I wish…I wish…I send…I hope…

RATS! Perhaps I’m not quite there yet. (sigh) I’ll keep working on it.

Looking for a fun destination that “has it all” this summer?  One word, “Florida.”

If draconian leadership, censorship, bunches o’ unhinged gun nuts, blistering heat, energy sapping humidity, gators, gators everywhere and Palmetto Bugs the size of Buicks are not enough incentive to lure you in, how about the fact that a Burmese python nest with 111 eggs, the largest ever discovered in Florida, was removed from the Everglades this month.  That was probably the only one so no reason to worry about snakes.

Let them drive Disney out of the state.  Florida has its own Adventureland built in!

On July 9th the postage on a standard first class letter rose from 63 cents to 66 cents.  3 cents, hardly worth thinking about and yet a sinister cloud hovers above this seemingly inconsequential rate hike.  Do the math:

Each Letter will cost an extra 3 cents. Multiply this by 1000 and you are up to $30.00.  52 weeks in a year and it will not go a full year until another rate hike and you are up to $1,560.00.  That means, with only a simple calculation not even allowing for a catastrophic event like climate change, we are looking at an additional cost of almost $2,000.00 per year for every man, woman and child in The United States.

A frightening possibility but the numbers don’t lie.  
Usually one must go to their elected representatives to get this level of truth. 
(Hmmm?  Senator Berman from the great state of Oregon…)

You are 100% right and your friend, possibly ex-friend, holds an opposing view.  Can you have a civil conversation and separate all the reasons you have been friends over the years from the current opposite views on politics? 

It could happen…and green monkeys might fly out of Madonna’s butt.
(That reference for SNL Lovers only!)

I am told by a credible source there has been talk about adding an additional face to the four great American Presidents that currently grace the mountain.  I know you’d agree the obvious choice is Barak Obama, but it is time we think outside the political box and start honoring those that chose to make a valuable contribution to American culture without the trappings of power; real people making a real difference.

Is an America without Honey Boo Boo and Kendall Jenner a place where you would want to live?