Archives for March 2023

In this week’s AARP email, associate editor Neil Wertheimer shares the secrets of achieving a 57% discount on groceries; information kept from the general public, I assume, by greedy CEOs who place corporate profits ahead of the public welfare.  Mr. Wertheimer’s tale of securing groceries that would retail for $350.00 at the incredible price of $200.00 gives me hope that eradicating world hunger is a real possibility.  Let me share a few of his mind-blowing suggestions:

1. Use Digital coupons.
2. Use in-store flyer coupons.
3. Opt for store brands.
4. Scour the shelves for members only and manager’s specials.
5. Go to multiple stores, (he visited 4), including an Asian Market where he finds cheaper produce. 

I hope he is altruistic enough to share these life-altering suggestions worldwide; even with people who cannot afford to pay the AARP annual membership fee. Let your mind grasp the possibilities and dream of a better world where Bangladesh would no longer need a Mother Teresa; Somali pirates would hang up their hooks and eyepatches to run fishing charters and Haiti might get its first Walmart!
Neil Wertheimer: A hungry world salutes you!

Note to Dr. Sheldon Cooper:  Yes, this is sarcasm.

They published another list.  The proverbial “they” that always has something compelling to say that “we” all accept without question.  This they happens to be a website called “Wallethub.”

Wallethub published a list of the  182 happiest cities in America.  The list is based on 3 criteria: emotional & physical well-being, income & employment, community & environment.  What interests me is not the list itself, but the fact that the state in which I live, Oregon, green and beautiful, only has 1 city listed and it comes in at 132.  The city, Salem, is about 30 miles away from where I live.

Happiness is the illusory state we all seek but few, present company excepted, find.  I am a happy guy and wish to spread the joy.  I have decided to set an intention to increase Oregonian’s level of happiness one citizen at a time.  I am working on a short script with high-impact,  hoping to quickly change minds resulting in a ground-swell of happiness.  What do you think?

SCRIPT (3rd Draft:)
Hi (Insert gender specific familiar form of address, i.e. Blondie, Babe or Bro):
“Would you like to join our movement and make a commitment to being happy? “
(If the answer is yes): “Thank you.  Have a nice day!”
(If the answer is no):  Why not? (wait for answer or if they try to walk away block their path):
“How about if I punch you in the freakin’ face you contumacious cretin!  Would that change your mind; make you happy?”

Short, to the point, impactful.  It might work.  I mean what’s the downside?

That’s all we hear from all our politicians these days.  Fear is the capital that buys them votes.
“Be Afraid”
“Build a Wall”
“The Russians are going to start WWIII.  “The Chinese are unleashing viruses”
“The spooky liberals, (You know, those evil radical mutants that think the rich should pay taxes like everyone else and government should be concerned with all citizens), are going to take over and we will become socialists!”
“Vote for us, fascism is a much better option!”

News Flash!  If you think buying into the fear-mongering by voting for some gun-toting slime bag that wants to ban books and control women’s bodies will  make you feel any safer, you are wrong.  Fear breeds greater fear.  You need to take a lesson from Sara Bareilles and show us “How big your brave is.” (Is she really referring to brave when asking about size?).  Making the conscious decision to resist fear is a personal choice.

I love movies yet it has been over three years since I have been in a movie theater.  I know many see them as a super-spreader of the virus or a gathering spot for mass-shooter victims, but I think we all need to make the decision to get back to normal; be brave, venture out to the movie theaters and then stop for a frozen yogurt (with sprinkles)!

You will let me how that goes, right?

This is the title of an article I read from Food and Wine.  #12 on the list was Chicken Nuggets.
My question is how can someone who calls them self a chef serve chicken nuggets?  Unless, of course, it is accompanied by a Cilantro-Lime Chimichurri, nestled in a creamy bed of Mashed Potatoes and Leeks with Lime and washed down with an amusing Chardonnay.

Now those nuggets would have a place on any Michelin Starred restaurant menu.

For those of my friends from the training industry you may remember a program on teamwork titled “Lessons from Geese.”  It seems we can look to our feathered friends for lessons in love as well.

Geese are one of the species of animal that mate for life in the wild.  Blossom, a goose living at Iowa’s Riverside Park Cemetery, lost her mate and became morose.  The General Manager Dorie Tammen placed an ad in the local paper:  “Lonely, widowed domestic goose seeks life partner for companionship and occasional shenanigans.  I’m youthful, adventurous, and lively, and I’ve been told I’m beautiful.”

Enter Deb and Randy Hoyt.  They responded that they were host to a similarly lonely widower goose, Frankie.  Introductions were made, nature took its course and Blossom and Frankie have been inseparable since.

Humans behave similarly at times, but quite often with a slight twist.  People find a second companion and form an intimate bond like the Blossom and Frankie.  The difference in humans being that sometimes they are still married and their spouse is very much alive.

I have always enjoyed discovering the origins of words and sayings that are pervasive in our society.  I occasionally share this information with my vast legions of one or two readers.  Also occasionally I just make stuff up.

In ancient Egypt Thutmose III, (Pharaoh who reigned 1458–1425 BC), was known for his proclivity to surround himself with extremely well-endowed women.  So an appreciator of the well-rounded female form was often referred to as a “Thutmose” which when translated to English has become “Tit-mouse.”  So interesting.

     Two traditions familiar to us well-seasoned individuals are on their way out; giving a fruitcake as a gift & re-gifting a fruitcake. 
      It has been hypothesized by many much wiser than I that few fruitcakes are ever eaten, but most have been received and re-gifted ever since the first one was baked by I.M. Hoptep, the Pastry Chef-in-Chief in the court of Tutankhamun in 1332 B.C.
     My suggested new tradition; give the gift of a fruitcake to loved ones on Easter this April 9th.  I know nothing symbolizes the true meaning of Easter better than a chocolate bunny, but these are extraordinary times and call for some extraordinary ideas.

Fortunately, I have many.

Meeting of Minds was the brainchild of brilliant writer, comedian, musician and composer Steve Allen.  Years in development, the program brought together historical figures such as Socrates, Marie Antoinette, Florence Nightingale, Thomas Jefferson, Voltaire and Cleopatra to name only a few, would meet and discuss topics from their own point of view.  The series ran on PBS from 1977 to 1981. 

A meeting of historical figures from different eras, perhaps hundreds of years apart, has been an often used literary device in books and screenplays.  A “home version” where friends discuss their choices of people to dine with makes for lively (yawn) conversation…to some.  So if you had the ability to pick four random people, living or dead, to dine and converse with for one evening, who would be on your guest list?

I will take this intellectual exercise a step beyond the banal and combine historical significance with a brainteaser.  There is no right or wrong answer but lively conversation is sure to follow as each person says what they would do in this situation.

You have arranged a dinner with the following guests: the 16th President of the United States, Abraham Lincoln; the greatest icon of non-violent resistance, Mahatma Gandhi, playwright and poet William Shakespeare and the wife of Leofric, Earl of Mercia, also know as Lady Godiva (something for the gentlemen).  You are serving your sure-fire hit cheese soufflé and 10 minutes before the guests are due to arrive you are told one of the guests is lactose intolerant and eating cheese gives them the winds something terrible. 

What would you do?

I feel your pain Brothers and Sisters.  I can no longer sit back and pretend I don’t see the longing and need around me and do nothing.  For this and other reasons I extend this offer to all, friend and foe alike:
“If the cause of your pain and suffering is excessive wealth, an over-abundance of cash or the government scrutiny that accompanies too large a bank balance, I will quietly accept gifts of all sizes, even as low as one million dollars, and along with it, all the guilt and tax liabilities that immense wealth bears.”

Seeing you skipping around the neighborhood euphorically or doing your “Happy Dance” in the driveway is thanks enough for me.

Of the five main senses, sight, taste, smell, touch and hearing, Dolphins are thought not to have the sense of smell.  Why do we humans care?

Let’s suppose for a moment that you are working out at the gym and as so often happens to us all, the endorphins start to flow and we get lost in a “workout high” causing us to lose track of time.  We have an important appointment for which we can’t be late, but have no time to shower.  Problem?  Not if your appointment is to swim with the dolphins!  Go ahead, skip the shower.  They will not know the difference.

This time-saving tip brought to you at no charge by betterfredtthandeaddotcom!

Editor’s Note:  Never one to avoid controversy we tackle this ethical dilemma.  Many believe swimming with captive dolphins is a cruel act.  Dolphins used in “swim with” programs are usually kept hungry so that they are forced to interact with tourists. Another school of thought is that the handlers only withhold food from dolphins that are showing signs of weight gain; a humanitarian act to insure these aquatic mammals remain attractive to the opposite sex.