Archives for 2022

“I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal” 
Martin Luther King Jr.

Ladies and Germs, we have a long way to go and too many are so paralyzed with fear they have stopped trying.  Be brave and keep the dream alive.

Like most clueless people I consider myself reasonably intelligent.  Mensa has never come knocking on my door offering me free membership but I have managed to make it 71 years and stay married to an Angel for 45 years.  Still try as hard as I may, there are 3 things in this world that I cannot understand.  I have read, consulted that bastion of truth and unbiased information, the internet and spent hours discussing with many people considered experts in their field still resulting in a big, fat zero in the understanding column.  So here is my challenge and offer:  Any person or thing that can clear up just one of these three conundrums for me will receive a full year of free nougat. (Disclaimer: If the transportation of nougat across state lines and international borders has been impacted by the Omicron variant, the judges (me) reserve the right to substitute a hearty hand-clasp in lieu of the confection).
The three things are as follows:

1. Cricket:  I have sat in a sports bar in Manila with no less than 4 British expats watching a live match in the middle of our night as they explained test matches, dibbly-dobbly bowlers, pitch, power play, pudding and pull, runs, batsmen, an over, a nick, no-ball and nurdle and on and on and on….Nothing!  Even Wikipedia let me down and I rely heavily on that site just to get through a day. There is no way to match explanations with what happens on the field; and the game never ends.
2. Cryptocurrency:  All you have to do to become rich is solve problems using enough electricity to light the city of Poughkeepsie for a week and then you have created a coin that may be worth $300,000.00 today and barely get you a Hershey Chocolate Bar tomorrow; that is, if you can find anyone who accepts crypto in exchange for anything. Bitcoin, Ethereum, Dogecoin, Litecoin, Polkadot, Erectile Dysfunction…Oh, sorry, that’d from another email…You get the idea. I guess Elon Musk understands it because you can buy a Tesla with it because he needs the cash.
3. Non-Fungible Tokens (NFT): I thought non-fungible meant it was resistant to penicillin.  But I find out it is a non-interchangeable unit stored on a blockchain that cannot be duplicated. Some original art NFT’s have gone for $600,000.00 so I guess they are good to have. So NFT = WTF but I would like one if you have an extra.

This is a bit of a sticky-wicket so may all your tokens be fungible!

 

Just an old kid’s joke?  Perhaps, but have you ever delved deeper into snot to learn the secrets of that mysterious substance?  What exactly is that gooey, viscous liquid that gushes forth on command with a good blow; hopefully into an immediately discarded disposable tissue and not a cloth handkerchief to be folded and reinserted into one’s pocket for future use?

Snot, or mucous as the stodgy old medical community refers to it, are nasal secretions that originate mostly from submucosal glands and goblet cells. Mucus is composed of water (95%); glycoproteins (2%); albumin, immunoglobulins, lysozyme, lactoferrin and other proteins (1%); inorganic salts (1%); and lipids (<1%).

So the next time you see someone using a handkerchief for nose blowing rather than accessorizing their Brioni Men’s Floral Dinner Jacket (Bergdorf Goodman – $10,000), ask them the following: “Do you really want to spend the day carrying around moist albumin and immunoglobulins?”  They will thank you later.

…After medicine, right?  That joke is so old the first record of it being told was found in hieroglyphics on the walls of Tutankhamen’s pyramid when it was unearthed in 1922.  But it’s also true.

Laughter strengthens your immune system, boosts mood, diminishes pain, protects you from the damaging effects of stress, lightens your burdens, inspires hope, connects you to others and keeps you grounded, focused and alert. Humor also helps you release anger and forgive sooner.

So in order to enhance your health and well-being I offer this joke to brighten your day:
    “Fox News is fair and balanced!”  Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

“Ravens are smart; really smart. Studies have shown they can use tools, remember human faces and even plan for the future.  Ravens have demonstrated  tendency to favor people who show them kindness and hold grudges against those that treat them poorly.  These are not fleeting and may last for years.”

The next time a Raven cuts you off in traffic, makes too much noise after 10:00pm or disrespects you in any way I suggest you think twice before flipping that bird the bird.

 Baskin -Robbins flavor Winter White Chocolate is arguably one of the best flavors they have created.  I went to buy what they pass for a pint (actually it is 12 ounces) and found that they now charge $8.49 for that teeny-weeny container.  I can get 48 ounces of Oregon’s superior Tillamook Ice Cream for half that amount. They might not have that flavor but I can cope with a substitute.

In response to the usurious price increase I have this message for Baskin-Robbins:
“Get over yourself! It’s just ice cream butt-munch, not gold or Viagra. You are now dead to me, buried alongside of Ben & Jerry.

I know I said 31 reasons but that was just marketing; like them trying to make you think their product is something more then it is…It’s not.

     On its way to Bookstores everywhere is a new collection of lists that classifies everything in existence and presents the most noteworthy three. The groups include people, actions, items or events that cover the entire spectrum of human existence.  The brevity of the lists makes this book ideal for placement in bathrooms, lavatories and loos around the world. 

     Through special permission of the author and publisher I have been authorized to occasionally share excerpts with you, my vast readership, in hopes you will see value in purchasing a copy for your homes, heads and outhouses.  (Full Disclosure:  The operator of this website may receive imaginary compensation for each copy of this fake book purchase). Three examples follow:

• The Three Most Used Letters in the English Language:
  • E used in 11.1% of words.
  • A used in 8.5% of Words.
  • R used in 7.6% of Words.
• The Three Most Populated Cities in the World – 2021:
  • TOKYO          –  37,339,804
  • DELHI           –  30,290,936
  • SHANGHAI  –  27,795,702
• The Three Largest Groups Of Morons in the U.S.A.:
  • People who believe the result of last presidential was fraudulent.
  • Those who classify themselves as “Anti-Vaxxers.”
  • People who wear MAGA hats. (Double ignorance points for those that wear them backwards).

“Riveting, captivating, water logged.  I couldn’t put it down!” SpongeBob SquarePants

Has anyone else noticed?  We are ten days into the New Year and it’s looking uncomfortably similar to 2021.

The AARP mailed me free instructions on how to turn pictures from your iPhone into jigsaw puzzles and refrigerator magnets.  I am not sure I am up to that intricate a project but I would like to shake things up somehow; maybe a new houseplant?

Oh my!  We have really lowered the bar on heroism.  We now extol the virtues of those celebrities those that fearlessly post their unadorned faces on Instagram or in People Magazine.

Scores of celebrities, young and old; Millie Bobby Brown and Jennifer Lopez; Black, brown, white, rainbow; Gabrielle Union, Salma Hayek, Charlize Theron, RuPaul; Talented geniuses and inexplicable success stories lacking any reason for existence, Alicia Keys, take your pick of any Kardashian or Jenner.  All of them rushing to get their unadorned images in front of adoring fans to make sure and be on the ballot for the next appointment to sainthood.

Has appearing in public as God created you become such a bold act worthy of unlimited adulation?  I’ll answer that: It has not.  But it can be if it wakes our children to the realization they are already perfect and blowing the college money on powders and potions to transform your appearance only benefits the unconscionable few who are in it for profit.
I’ve used this excerpt before but it’s time to reprise the post and to stop spending hard earned money on cosmetics:

“…it is a trillion dollar industry that would
collapse
if we believed we were beautiful enough
already
their concept of beauty
is manufactured
I am not…”

Rupi Kaur
Excerpt from “The Sun and Her Flowers”

And perhaps a little moisturizer, but that’s all!  NO MAKEUP!