Archives for 2022

This year Mother’s Day falls on Sunday, May 8th. 
There is plenty of time. A potted plant from the supermarket or a Mylar balloon from Dollar Tree will not cut it this year.
And the street corner is for buying oranges, not bouquets of flowers.

It has been a rough year on everyone and especially Moms, so start putting some thought into a gift.  Even the smallest budget and produce a meaningful, loving day if it comes from the heart.

On the rare occasion when I am wake up and set about my day without kicking my toe trying to creep out of the bedroom in the dark trying not to wake Linda, or reading a news item about what some idiot in Washington, Florida or Texas said and when I can imagine an America where millions of people do not revere #45, who should actually be designated #2**, I am at a loss for words.
Perhaps I should accept this as the new normal, take a deep healing breath and embrace change. Let me offer this sincere wish in lieu of more frequent vituperative remarks:
                 Have a nice day!

(** Editor’s Note:  Since Fred seems to have mellowed (hopefully for today only) I must step in and explain, for the more literal of his readers, That #45 refers to a president and #2 refers to the bodily waste that occupies #45’s cranium in lieu of a brain.)

The Scoville Scale is a measurement of the pungency (spiciness or “heat”) of chili peppers, as recorded in Scoville Heat Units (SHU).  The hottest pepper to date is the Carolina Reaper measuring 2,200,000 SHU.  To understand how incredibly hot they are compare them to a standard Jalapeño Pepper that registers between 2,500 and 8,000 SHU.

Scientists at the Whackadoodle Laboratories in Washington have devised a method of adapting SHU to measure stupidity in humans.  The human equivalent scale, designated Scoville Stupidity Units (SSU), has proven to be the most accurate method to date to scientifically identify those individuals with a defective Cerebrum, the part of the brain that, among other things, enables speech, judgment, thinking and reasoning.

In Phase III trials the staff has recorded 2,200,000 SSU in people that still believe a twice impeached serial liar and egomaniac would make a good president.  To understand how incredibly stupid they are compare them to the average person who thinks any politician gives a rat’s ass about them.  They registers between 2,500 and 8,000 SSU.

(I know…this was a long way to go for questionable content but YOU try and come up with something every day!)

Open Your Mind and Learn, Grasshopper. Today I share with you the Wisdom of the Sages in hopes that you will seek enlightenment through study and worship rather than following the Kardashians to Hulu.

The Lesson begins:

“The supreme irony of life is that hardly anyone gets out of it alive.”
— Robert A. Heinlein, writer
Alas, Mr. Heinlein was not one of the fortunate few that discovered the secret of eternal life, but he did introduce us to Valentine Michael Smith, the “Stranger in a Strange Land.”  Read it!
“The irony of truth is that the greater its potential for offense, the greater its potential for giving hope.”
— David Jeremiah, author
If I have inadvertently given offense know that it was most likely intentional and you are a dimwit. Go improve.
“The greatest irony is that life only truly begins when we have something for which we are willing to die.”
Chatri Sityodtong. Who the Hell Knows? (But a cool last name!)
Though I may have not as yet found my true destiny I continue my search, hopefully for another 10-12 years; 15 tops.

Now take what you have learned, go forth and plant seeds of wisdom in the furrowed fertile fields of those souls hungry for the bounty of knowledge blooming in the Garden of Life.
(I know…It’s like I’m a freakin’ poet!)

They personally asked me to donate $15.00 by midnight to stop the republicans.  While I share their sentiment I wonder why now?  They never once emailed me while he was in office when he could have done me some good.
If they are relying on my $15.00 we are in serious trouble!

The warehouse in Staten Island, NY, known as JFK8, is the first to win the vote for unionization.  Opposition has said this may jeopardize the Prime 2-Day delivery model; small price to pay to get the people who are the backbone of the operation a living wage.

But let’s not forget the real person who was damaged by this, Jeff Bezos, who may possibly see his ranking slip to only the second or third richest man in the world.  But there is no crime in being rich or a success in business.  That’s the American Dream.  So I make this offer to Jeff in the hope it brings him some comfort and joy:
            “Suck on THIS for twelve minutes, Jeffrey my boy.”

Now quit your whining, negotiate in good faith and take pride in your ability to improve the quality of life for thousands of Amazonians.

Do I really have to say it?   Okay, why not?
“APRIL FOOLS!”

Silly Me!
I didn’t think there was anything I could care about less than The Kardashians.

Live and Learn.

No Kidding.  The Cleveland Clinic identified Sildenafil (Viagra) as effective in the prevention of Alzheimer’s Dementia. Use of Viagra may reduce likelihood of developing dementia by 63%. 

At the very least it will make the discussion with your doctor a lot less awkward:
“Equipment is working like a champ Doc.  I’m all man.  Certainly don’t need any help in that area but my memory has been slipping a little.  On the way home the other day, after takin’ care of dat thing with Paulie, I took the gun and left the cannoli.  Clemenza was pissed!  I almost lost my job. How about a prescription for Viagra?”

     In the past I have tried to be true to the Guy Code.  I was a Drake guy; that is, Drake’s Yodel Snack Cakes. The Yodel was the only one for me; Drake and me, Bros forever.
    But in my old age I am a much more enlightened soul and I see things as they are.  Young, idealistic Fred would have never have considered abandoning Yodels.
      Sure one evening I had a little too much to drink and I ran into an alluring Hostess Ho Ho, I may have tasted one…or two…but it meant nothing and I was thinking about Yodels the whole time.  I saw no reason to tell; I resolved to live with my guilt. 
      Then, out of nowhere, I was hit by the proverbial lightning bolt!  Little Debbie’s Swiss Cake Roll entered my life.  Amazing, the chocolate tasted like real chocolate and the filling; sweet and creamy.  YUM.

Little Debbie’s forever!  Forever…?