Archives for 2022

Spoiler Alert!  He lived!  Machine Gun Kelly says he had a suicide attempt while on the phone with Megan Fox: “I just snapped!”

Just so happens, purely by coincidence and without any preplanning or thought what-so-ever, that this shocking revelation in People Magazine comes as he promotes the premier of his new Hulu documentary “Life in Pink.” 

Spoiler Alert #2:  While the program deals with his “who the hell cares” struggle with the death of his father, rumors swirl that the real cause of the attempt was the extended bout of E.D. he experienced with Megan Fox.  Makes more sense, right?

Just by eating, goats can save lives. Last month a wildfire in California stopped before spreading to a West Sacramento neighborhood with 250 homes because a herd of goats have been eating the weeds and low-hanging vegetation surrounding the area.  They have been munching the tasty treats for the last 8 years.  The result; open spaces that prevented the fire from spreading.

Have Goats, Will Travel!  Several other states use this method and Colorado is home to a herd of 1200 goats that have traveled to 17 states to munch on these organic delicacies.  

City-dwellers may not have access to the standard Bovidae Caprine, but there is another similar genus, the Horney Old Goat, identified by his habit of  frequently napping on the couch.  You can achieve similar life-saving results by equipping the old goat with a Craftsman Weed Whacker and forcing him to go outside under penalty of withheld affection.

Your ordinary garden variety goat is easier to deal with but we do what we can with what we are given!

Reading a pop-up ad for computer virus protection from McAfee (beware of a McAfee scam, by the way) it occurred to me that this ad, with a slight adjustment, could be a valuable warning for many actions in life.  Your computer is not the only piece of equipment that needs virus protection.  What about YOU?

So on your next hook-up, whether it be in a seedy bar or airport restroom with a U.S. Congressperson, always use protection!

(This has been a Public Service Announcement from betterfredthandead.com.  A public service announcement is a message in the public interest disseminated by the media without charge to raise public awareness and change behavior.  Enjoy!)

      Hats off to Seattle, Washington, for looking out for their people by remembering what is important.  While the gun nuts want carry permits and religious whackos want everyone to follow their beliefs or suffer eternal damnation (usually reserved for politicians), one city is working on achieving a goal beneficial to everyone.
      Seattle’s Landmarks Preservation Board will consider the Elephant Car Wash sign for landmark status. Denny Way without the Elephant Sign would surely portend a less joyous future.  Bravo Seattle!

 

Seriously.  Yesterday was June 21st, the summer solstice, also known as the longest day of the year and widely-recognized as the beginning of summer in the Northern Hemisphere.  In terms of astronomy, the June solstice marks the sun’s northernmost point in our sky for the year.  So today will have a bit less daylight than yesterday.  The daylight hours will continue to diminish until we reach the winter solstice on December 21st, the shortest day of the year.

But by the time we hit December 21st no one will give a rat’s ass about the sunlight as it will be the 4th night of Hanukkah; 4 days until Faux Christmas (The one where we overspend on unneeded gifts, not the one that celebrates the birth of Jesus); 4 days until the real Christmas; 5 days until the start of Kwanzaa and 2 days until the best-of-us celebrate Festivus! (I just made that up…clever, no?)

And for the curmudgeons that don’t celebrate any of these, I hope you find some joy in the fact the on December 22nd the day will be a little brighter.

234 years ago on this day, June 21, in 1788: New Hampshire became the ninth and last necessary state to ratify the Constitution of the United States, thereby making the document the law of the land.  On December 15, 1791 the Bill of Rights, the first ten amendments to the Constitution were ratified.  

If only the Founding Fathers of our nation could see that their 2nd amendment, meant to protect our freedom, has been misinterpreted and is now a misguided rallying cry for a subset of demented psychos affectionately known as “gun nuts.”   These special needs people now use guns as a penis extension and a method of easing their fear of…everything!

I think the Founding Fathers would have a good laugh; something we need a great deal more than AK-47s.

Juneteenth is a federal holiday in the United States commemorating the emancipation of enslaved African Americans. Juneteenth marks the anniversary of the announcement of General Order No. 3 by Union Army General Gordon Granger on June 19, 1865, proclaiming freedom for enslaved people in Texas. (Note:  Texas slave owners probably knew about this long before but were trying to pretend they hadn’t heard).

But today is Monday, June 20th.  Since we don’t get a day off work when it falls on a Sunday we get to celebrate the end (not really) to a horrible part of the birth of our nation.  So enjoy the day off and the slight inconvenience of not receiving any mail and, for Texas republicans, go back to pretending none of this happened.

Father’s Day, as with most things that are good in this world, was originally inspired by women and Mother’s Day. 
It was in 1914 President Woodrow Wilson approved a resolution declaring Mother’s Day a holiday.  It was not until 1972, 58 years later t that Father’s Day became an officially recognized holiday when some guys petitioned Congress in what has become known as the We Too movement.

Mother’s Day is still the official “Darling Holiday” of the retail community.  On a per capita basis the amount spent for gifts and entertainment on Mother’s Day exceeds that of Father’s Day by about 54%.  Mom: a garnet pendant; Dad: argyle socks.

Sounds about right…even if I did make up the figures. But no problem.  I’ll get the “My Pillow” guy to back me up.

Yes, I now go to a trainer who specializes in helping seniors (AKA creaky old curmudgeons) improve their strength dexterity and balance. I do 60 minutes 3 times a week.  If we had used calisthenics to extract information from spies during the war it would have been 10 times as effective as waterboarding.  I’m spent halfway through the warm-ups.

But if I make it, Linda and I will be able to restart our travel plans in the fall so keep that spare bedroom or foldout couch in the den ready!  
(Aren’t you as excited about that as we are?)

In a post-covid world travel opportunities are again upon us.  But road tripping around the world comes with a unique set of difficulties, including interpreting unfamiliar road signs. I am undertaking a new responsibility, that is, I will offer my reader (or occasionally readers) travel tips that will help them navigate the treacherous path of international travel.

One problem we hear about, almost daily it seems, is interpreting road signs in Bolivia.  So when you take your upcoming trip to the South American paradise, amazingly named for a cheap American wristwatch, be aware of the “Llama Crossing” signs along the road.  You don’t want to have to fill out an accident report and be responsible for the rehab cost of the furry beast, (Is it a camel, is it a Sheep?).  Other unique animal crossing signs in  South America include sloths, monkeys, snakes, and coatis (Brazilian aardvarks).

Please feel free to ask me for other important safety tips before attempting foreign travel.  It’s all part of the service!