Archives for 2022

     After discovering her in possession of some cannabis oil, Russian authorities convicted US basketball star Brittney Griner of possession and smuggling of drugs, sentencing her to nine years in a penal colony.
     I have found a way to ruthlessly mete out her punishment: Make her serve her time at the most vile and insidious place in the world: Mar-a-Lago. That would make a most frightening episode of “Scared Straight!”
    Or possibly a prisoner swap; an American athlete for a Russian agent.  Griner for Trump?  That’s what we call a win-win.

Bandit, a 20 lb. calico cat alerted its owner to an attempted robbery.  Possibly rare in other states, it’s no surprise there is a 20 Lb. cat there.  Mississippi is considered the fattest state in the Union with 1 out of 3 adults classified as obese.  Fortunately for his owner this happened around dinner time so Bandit was motivated to get up off the couch and knew to go directly to the kitchen.

The saying from The Land of Oz has taken on new meaning.  Previously it meant that you are somewhere new, unfamiliar and possibly scary.  The beautiful state of Kansas evoked memories of wholesome country living, fresh milk directly from the cow and Grandma’s apple pie.  Now Kansas has added another enviable dimension to their mystique by putting real freedom ahead of self-serving religious fanaticism. 

Thank You Kansas for voting to acknowledge gender equality and protect a woman’s right to control her own body.

Sure, first the Monkeys post all those cutesy videos of themselves on Instagram, playing, running, eating, climbing; doing all sorts of “Monkey Business.”  And then when we aren’t looking….WHAM! A POX UPON YOUR HOUSE!”

Monkeys:  Adorable furry little animals or Sinister Agents of Doom?

According to the AARP Newsletter these 6 product categories are experiencing an anti-inflation drop in price:
     1. Gasoline                2. Steaks                 3. Televisions
     4. Smartphones      5. Cruise Fares    6. Gold

This is good news for everyone…Unless you happen to be an Amish vegan who eschews precious metals.
Then you’re screwed.

“In southwest China, footprints of not just one but two sauropods — massive dinosaurs from the Cretaceous period — were found on stones in a restaurant’s courtyard. The tracks, first noticed by one of the restaurant’s patrons and later confirmed by paleontologists, date back 100 million years and provide evidence of what is considered to be the largest species to walk on Earth.  Lida Xing, a paleontologist at the China University of Geosciences who helped verify the footprints using a 3D scanner, told CNN the long-necked, long-tailed animals that stepped in the courtyard were roughly 26 feet long.”

All the cat paw prints leading into the kitchen were verified as modern day.

Unfortunately the republicans pulled off the greatest FRAUD IN LOTTERY HISTORY! 

Even though I have irrefutable proof that I won they are giving the $1.3 to someone else.  Over the coming several months my stellar team which includes the most brilliant minds of our day; Rudy Giuliani (he works for food), Marjorie Traitor Cretin, Matt the Pedo, and the My Pillow douchebag will all swear I won! (I promised a “Pardon” of which I will, of course, immediately forget).

I demand you give me my money or I will hold my breath until I turn blue. 
(Oh wait, I am blue…until I turn red!)

The odds of winning are 1 in 302,000,000.  What’s for Certain? 
Tomorrow Morning there will be at least 301,999,999 very disappointed people.

Not me, of course, I’m gonna win.
(I really need to go and buy a ticket but it’s so hot out there today!)

Following its ratification by the necessary three-quarters of U.S. states, the Fourteenth Amendment granting citizenship to all persons born or naturalized in the United States—including formerly enslaved people—is officially adopted into the U.S. Constitution.  Secretary of State William Seward issued a proclamation certifying the amendment. 

And here we are 154 years later with a congress and majority on the Supreme Court just waiting to strip us of those rights.  Progress!
(Don’t worry assholes…they may take away our freedoms but they’ll let you keep your guns…for now!)

Hollywood was in shock today as beloved Big Brother, Wally Cleaver passed away at the age of 77.  He is survived by his perfect parents, little brother Theodore “The Beaver” Cleaver, and best friend, the smooth-talking charmer, Eddie Haskell.

Their show, “Leave it to Beaver,” broke new ground in television as the first network sitcom to deal with transgender issues in a positive light.  Ward and June Cleaver were the a-sexual perfect parents none of us ever had.  But the real story was the shows subtext, implied but only known to only a few insiders.  Little Theodore, “The Beaver” was born a man in a female body.  The world’s two most supportive parents secretly sent him to Sweden for Gender-Reassignment surgery and allowed their daughter Theodora to become Theodore; calling him “Beaver” as secret homage to his gender of birth.  It remains a ground-breaking series that inspires still today!  They don’t make great television like that anymore. 

Rest-In-Peace Wally.