Archives for 2022

Listen up.  There will be a test.  Hahahaha!  A little levity to get the lesson started.

The shofar is blown in synagogue services on Rosh Hashanah and at the end of Yom Kippur; it is also blown every weekday morning in the month of Elul running up to Rosh Hashanah.  Here are a few things the ritual symbolizes:
(Shofar so good?)
   -It stirs our conscience as we lead up to the 10 days of penitence. (Are you with me shofar?)
  -A reminder of The Sinai Revelation; to practice the Commandments. (Interesting shofar?)
  -Reminds us of the ram Abraham’s offered as sacrifice instead of his son, Isaac. (Shofar as I know an Angel spared Isaac.)
  -Reminds us Judgement Day is coming when we will all be accountable for their deeds.  (Looking back on my life shofar, I may be in trouble).
  -Foreshadows the coming of the Messiah (Shofar we are still waiting but tomorrow is another day).

This reminds me of a story I heard where a very rich and devout man was ill and asked his wife to blow the shofar for him one morning.   She was a little puzzled but agreed.  When she didn’t return he went out to look for her and found her in the back seat of his limo with his driver. (Drum rimshot).

You may not think this is funny but it was standing room only when I headlined at Moshe’s Laff Factory in Tel Aviv!

‘…the impossible is what takes a little longer.’  Fridtjof Nansen, Explorer.

Fritjof Nansen was a Norwegian explorer who lived from 1860 to 1930.  This insightful quote has sparked many a philosophical debate, but one question replays over and over in my mind and consumes me even today.  How do you pronounce Fridtjof?

Far from a single incident of inherent racism, on September 2, 1885 in Rock Springs, Wyoming, 150 white coal miners attacked their Chinese coworkers killing 28, wounding 15 and driving hundreds to flee their homes and seek shelter in the surrounding hills.  Justice came later when 45 of the white miners were fired.  That was the total response.

So as China chokes off the shipping lanes, controls the world supply of Neodymium (see cellphones, headphones and electric cars) and closes so many Dim Sum restaurants I can’t find a siu mai in the city,  just remember;  karma is a bitch.

Happens to be true.  For Example:

• Mother Teresa was only five feet tall, thin and frail yet legendary for her compassion and tolerance.  I have heard she was able to bench press two hundred twenty pounds and tested negative for steroids.
• Donald Grump, devoid of those attributes, gets winded lifting a double cheeseburger to his mouth.

The wisdom of the Dalai Lama backed by science!

Rapidly approaching the end of my 72nd year and days speeding along faster than the Shinkansen from Tokyo to Osaka, I should be grateful for every moment I have on earth, not wishing time to pass quickly.  But I do not care for the dog days of August and, even though I save for a year so I can afford to run my air conditioner full blast all month, I am very happy when we say goodbye to August; the month named by the first Roman emperor Augustus after himself.

So to you, August, I say adios, arrivederci, au revoir, vale, adeus, auf wiedersehen and sayonara.

And for you disappointed sun worshippers, (aka fans of leathery skin and melanoma), I offer you the same comfort I received after I was soundly rejected and publicly humiliated by my hoped for 6th grade girlfriend Melody, “You’ll get over it!”

Did you always envy Ross, Rachel, Monica, Chandler, Phoebe, and Joey in Friends?  They had a comfortable couch and great coffee every time they met at Central Perk. Whenever they walked in their spot was waiting regardless of the number of other patrons.  Well get ready to be excited as Warner Brothers Studios announced a chain of these coffee houses will open up in 2023.  I have a few questions for the geniuses that want to replicate the experience for their legion of fans which includes me!  I want to get a jump on my competition when the fight begins for the best seats in the house.

1. Do you need a minimum of six people in the group to get the couch reserved 24/7?
2. Do you all have to be white with your weight and height in proportion needed to be an attractive person?
3. Which of the following ex-friends types are required to be deemed acceptable: Talentless dingbat, Ex-Obese neurotic, Hot babe, Brainless Italian stud, Sissy class clown and an Unlikeable, tilted academic?

I’ll be first in line when they open one near me and I am going straight for the couch.  Anyone care to join my group?  I’m married to the Babe so I really need to find a talentless dingbat!

Candace Bushnell, Author of the Sex and the City books, movies and television shows, is hosting a Seine River Cruise where she will “Delight” the guests with stories of her past adventures as the real life Carrie Bradshaw.  I am not lining up to book passage as I can think of three other river cruises that would be more pleasurable;

• An Amazon River cruise where you can get your toes nibbled by man-eating Piranhas.
• A Nile River cruise where you can encounter an Asp, a poisonous Egyptian serpent just like the one that bit Cleopatra.
• A Ganges River cruise, 1560 miles of perhaps the most sacred river as well as the most polluted.  

A week floating down the Seine with yammering yenta Candace Bushnell?  Hard pass here…unless you’re buying the tickets?

I’ve got Good News I share with my readers only!  There is a thing out there called GOOGLE where you can get all the pressing questions of the world answered from the comfort of your chair.  No question is too difficult or obscure.

What is the etymology of vade mecum you ask?  “A pocket manual, handbook,” 1620s, Latin, literally “go with me;” from imperative of vadere “to go” (see vamoose) + me “me” + cum “with.”

I somehow feel it is sort of cheating looking things up on Google so, now that I am retired and have some extra time, I will endeavor to memorize all the information in Google,  A through Z including all the numbers.  It should take some time but keep me as mentally sharp as I am now.  

I’ll let you know how I am doing in a couple of weeks.  If I am not done I should certainly have an end-date in sight.  You are all invited to join me; let’s have some fun!

I am not talking about skipping work or skipping a grade (like many of us did…well, I DID, 4th if you must know).  I mean skipped as a means of forward motion.  It’s never too late to embrace your inner child! The Guardian has some advice for you. Taking a dance class just because, going to a fair, and frolicking in the ocean are all ways you can recapture, or experience for the first time, the joy of being a care-free kid.

Then hopefully, someone will slap some sense into you (metaphorically speaking) so you will quit your insipid whining, realize you are no longer a kid, get up and get to work (see advice from Kim Kardashian).   Who knows?  You may achieve some success like being allowed to keep your mind-numbing job and retain the ability to pay your rent.

Word to the wise: If you make the choice to stick with the skipping and frolicking, I suggest while doing so you maintain a distance of 500 yards away from any schoolyard.

The above titled article from “The Penny Hoarder” seems to be telling us, the other 99%, how we can increase our wealth by engaging in these millionaire-like behaviors.  We know “The Penny Hoarder,” as it advertises in its name, is an enterprise designed to separate you from your money and put it in their gathering receptacle, otherwise known as a pocket.  The article was a selection or retail sites and loan companies that hold no secrets nor any value to anyone.

The secret is what they don’t do with their money.  Top 2 things they don’t do: pay taxes and bet on the Houston Rockets.