Archives for 2022

Oh Dear Verizon
Master of all things wrong with Corporate America.
You lie, cheat and steal from those loyal to you.
You have no conscience, morality or value.
While that may make you a prime choice for your party’s nomination,
in my accounting you are valued at less than zero.

May all your executives cruise down the River Styx,
to their new homes in Demon Village, average temperature 1,000,000 degrees,
Fahrenheit or Celsius, you choose.
May they all be blessed with loose sphincters and may there be
an eternal shortage of bathroom tissue.

Let their prison cells be populated with 300 lb. cellmates that 
find them attractive and prefer the “Top Bunk,”
if you know what I mean.

And may you never again raise my rates>
I am too lazy to switch carriers,
but you knew that!

Actor Ryan Grantham, known for his role in Diary of a Wimpy Kid and appearance in Riverdale, pled guilty to second-degree murder in March 2020 for killing his mother.  He was sentenced to life in prison by the British Columbia Supreme Court.  Both the judge and Grantham’s lawyer made reference to his diminutive size:  “”I think he’s pretty apprehensive about the whole thing. He’s a fairly tiny person, and to go to the prison system… is daunting and scary.”

Ironic, his tiny size did not stop him from shooting his mother in the head while she played piano.  I guess that made him feel bigger.  It’s well known that many people own guns to compensate for something small;  could it be their brain or perhaps something else?

DO NOT do this at home!  The FDA issued a danger warning after a recent TikTok challenge encourages people to cook chicken in NyQuil (acetaminophen, dextromethorphan, and doxylamine) or another similar OTC cough and cold medication.

Seriously.  What kind of dumdum, lamebrain, blockhead, ignoramus would be stupid enough to think this is a good idea?  I guess if you were that big a nitwit you might even be in favor of banning books about slavery and not teaching true American history in schools.  Nah, nobody is that dumb.

…young or old, conservative or liberal, male or female, gay or straight, carnivore or vegan, Gucci or Old Navy, print or Kindle, Home Depot or Lowes, right or left handed, fact or fantasy,  rock or classical, paper or plastic, file cabinet or cloud, Fox News or NPR, Beatles or Stones, lace or loafer, boxer or briefs, Bikini or thong (I’d like to weigh-in on this…never mind), Hasidic or Reform, Jimmy Choo or UGG, Mardi Gras or  Comic Con, Star Wars or Star Trek, Marvel or DC, urban or country, tree hugger or developer, farmer or cowman (they should be friends and if you get that reference you also love Broadway musicals), scouser or cockney, Central Park West or Bed-Sty, Michigan Avenue or Section 8, Jeff Bezos or Mother Theresa, MENSA or mental.

If you still think out of 336,997,624+ citizens of The United States of America the best choice to lead our country is Donald Trump please submit your DNA to an accredited laboratory for a reality check as you may not be a human being and may have escaped from Area 51 in Roswell, NM. 

You are now virtually surrounded by yellow crime scene tape.  There was a post here yesterday and it’s gone.  One of you took it and we will be here all night if necessary until the thief fesses up and returns the post to its proper spot on the site.  I’ll now turn my back and if it is returned immediately I will close my investigation; no questions asked.  OK…Go!

No, huh. All right.  I’ll play! I want a list of everyone who is in attendance at this post.  I’ll need your name, address, phone number, dental records, measurements, favorite Partridge Family song, and ATM pin.

I WANT THE TRUTH!  (I can’t handle the truth).

      I was reading my daily email of inspiring quotes (who can’t benefit from a cleverly turned phrase to start the day) and I clicked on an ad with the title above.  As I am a touch over 55  I wondered what eccentric gifts they are suggesting for us seniors (Although 55 is the new 39 so I think they are a bit premature).  The first two (yawn) were a photo storage stick and a toothbrush sanitizer; not exactly an express delivery from Weirdsville.
     But #3 did not disappoint.  I quote the ad: “Self-washing bedsheets save time, money and provide healthier sleep.  Miracle has created the world’s first ever self-cleaning, hygienic, luxury sheets…Miracle sheets are going to be as productive as you.”
     So I started to think why they believe these are of greater benefit to those of us over 55.  Because we are “Productive?”  What are we producing?  Then I got it.

Oh, Yuk!

Schwab raised their Equity Rating of the Chemours Company from C, hold, to B, Buy.  Anybody remember back to 2015 when DuPont spun off their chemical division and the new company, Chemours, took with it the liability for lawsuits regarding some illegal release of toxins into a river.  Then in 2021 Chemours sold its mining chemicals business to Draslova, a Czech Republic company specializing in cyanide production.

I guess Schwab thinks the future looks good for Chemours.  Hey, somebody has to poison the environment so they might as well make a few bucks while doing it.  Their future’s so bright you gotta wear shades…and a gas mask.  The stock symbol is CC if you want to get in on the mayhem!

Disclaimer:  This article contains forward looking statements that are only opinion and not to be construed as fact and is not a promise of profit.  You may lose money and even if you don’t you are a bigger loser if you invest in this load of crap.

The next sentence is more direct: “Although we have not chosen your submission as the winning piece…and hope that you will continue to read and submit to Ploughshares.”
There were thousands of entries but I am certain my poetry was the best.  It is obvious that I was a victim of age discrimination and only lost because how can you emerge at 71 years old?
Or could it be my poetry sucks?  Could I be really bad in a few areas like, form, substance, content, originality, spelling, grammar and overall readability?

No, I’m going with age discrimination.

Interesting story.  I ran into Lao a few months back in a bar on Flatbush Avenue in Brooklyn.  Lao Tsu Fingerman was a purveyor of fine silk rugs from Asia.  While trying to interest me in a four million dollar silk Isfahan from Iran he imparted this wisdom to me free of charge.  He said it originated with his great, great, (many greats omitted here) grandfather, Lao Tsu (no last name).  A quick recap of what he told me:

“To Attain Knowledge, Add Things Every Day.”  Read every day, even articles with big words and no pictures.
“To Attain Wisdom, Remove Things Every Day.”   Remove your MAGA hat, your need to control a woman’s body, your insane fear they are coming to take your precious guns and your hero worship of an amoral, sociopathic, narcissistic pile of human waste.
The world would be a better place.

Did this really happen or is it a parable designed to lead you on the path to enlightenment?  
Only time will tell, Grasshopper…

Relocating a colony of beavers to the Skykomish River immediately led to an influx of dams that slowed the flow of water, allowing it to cool and increasing the volume of surface water to 20 times that of streams with no beaver dams.  The semi-aquatic rodents were able to lower water temperatures by more than 2 degrees Celsius in some parts of the river and helped restore an ecosystem that has been badly damaged by the warming climate.

Did anybody ask the beavers if they wanted to be relocated?  Or was it like, “it’s the Skykomish or the hat factory; your choice?”