Archives for October 2022

Cardiologist Dr. Nidhi Kumar tells us why a Halloween scare helps:
“When you are scared for a short period of time, your body releases endorphins.   The release of dopamine speeds up the heart rate, extra oxygen and blood flow to your muscles and you get pumped up and actually feel energized,”

Good to know but why wait for Halloween?  If you want to be scared out of your mind do this:
QUICK, think about the possibility of Trump becoming President again.  YIKES!!  Feel those endorphins flow!

The long term effects, however, would be frightfully devastating to our hearts and nation.

In order to save time and allow you to get on with your life I have made a short list of things that will automatically fail.  Don’t ever bother with the following:

• Dieting
• Trying to sell diamonds to buy illegal exit visas from Casablanca during a nazi occupation, (“Diamonds are a glut on the market, everybody sells diamonds).
• Bathing regularly (I did get some “push back” from Linda on this one).
• Sending Luca Brasi to spy on the Tattaglia family, (They didn’t have to be Sherlock Holmes to see through him).
• Building a wall to keep Mexicans out or Americans in.
• Reading this drivel.

Don’t you have anything better to do?

The list of things bad for your heart is long and filled with things we all know; obesity, smoking, neglecting your teeth, drinking, inactivity (being a couch potato) eating the wrong food, you know, the fun things.  The one factor you might not think about is loneliness.  Being lonely can cause physical damage.  It is estimated 1/3 of people over 45 are lonely and 1/4 of the population over 65 are considered socially isolated.

So, to do my part in combatting loneliness, I make the following offer to all the lonely people (where do they all come from?  All the lonely people, where do they all belong?):  I will be your Skype friend once a week for 10 minutes.  The first five minutes we can gossip do non-lonely things.  For the last 5 minutes I will provide a hilarious stand up comic routine of original material, for example:
        “Good evening ladies and germs.  Take my wife…Please!  (Pause for laugh).   For her birthday Linda said “Take me somewhere I’ve never been before,” so I took her to the kitchen. (Ba-dumdum).   My doctor gave me six months to live. I couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave me another six months. (LOL).  Thank you, I’ll be here all week.  Don’t forget to tip your waitress!”

See?  Original material…at one time.  (Thanks Henny!)

Actually I only donated $10.00 of my own money but if all the texts and emails I receive daily are true, my donation will be multiplied by a “5X Match, 10X Match, 100X match if you donate NOW!”  When you add them all together my ten bucks will grow to well over a million dollars!

The problem is they may pay out like the lottery, dividing the total amount into 30 annual payments.  I may not live to see all the good my $10.00 accomplished.  I think I will ask for a refund and buy a frozen yogurt.  At least that way my money will do some good.

This sage advice from U.S. Bank.  The ground-breaking idea is to download and use their “money-tracker” app.
Stick to a budget in December?  Let’s all laugh together.  Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha! 

The genius dieticians at the AARP came up with this list:

1. Greasy fried food.
2. Sugary drinks.
3. Sneaky foods with added sugar.
4. High sodium instant meals (frozen pizza).
5. Ultras-processed snacks (potato chips, microwave popcorn).
6. Alcohol.

OR…You can skip these when you are young, and live longer in good health.  This goes without saying because who wouldn’t choose steamed Brussels sprouts over pizza any day?

Congratulations Ye!  Winner of Five “Douchebag Of  Our  Different Year” Awards!

1. Egomaniac of the Year – barely nosing out 27 time winner Donald Trump.
2. Sociopath of the Year – barely nosing out 27 time winner Donald Trump.
3. Most Inexplicable Success Story – barely nosing out 27 time winner Donald Trump.
4. Most Talentless Celebrity Zillionaire – A lot of competition on this one.
5. Biggest Anti-Semite – A lot of competition here as well but he pulled away from the field.

A little early to predict the December “Stupid Idiot” Awards but we have two frontrunners who are sure to place first and second.

Big Major Cay, an uninhabited island in the Exumas, Bahamas, is home to dozens of pigs who are happy to share the aquamarine waters.  It’s not entirely clear how the pigs ended up there — perhaps shipwrecks or pirates — but in any case, the pigs have become wildly popular. They drive an estimated 50% of tourism in the Exuma.

The same happy event takes place in Florida but they call it a “Family Vacation”

Although sperm whales have the loudest call in the world, the howler monkey emits the loudest sound of any animal on land. Living in the rainforests of Central and South America, a howler monkey can make sounds that reach up to 140 decibels and can be heard from three miles away.  We must take steps to insure they do not get in to our country.

I can’t handle my neighbors barking dog.  If a Howler Monkey takes up residence in the tree next to my house I’m through.  
So much to worry about.  It’s amazing I get anything done!

In 1935 the struggling Parker Brothers Company came out with the board game Monopoly.  The game was a huge success among Great Depression families because it was a relatively cheap form of entertainment that they could use over and over.  Additionally it may have served as a form of wish fulfillment for those who felt they may never be wealthy or own property.

I have decided to take this lesson to heart and selflessly help our struggling youth.  With only the simple game of Naked Twister in hand I will visit every chapter of the Chi Omega Sorority in every institute of higher learning across the nation providing hours of fun free of charge.  Not only will it provide a relaxing diversion, but much like Monopoly in the thirties, it too may serve as a wish fulfillment…for at least one of us!