Archives for September 2022

You are now virtually surrounded by yellow crime scene tape.  There was a post here yesterday and it’s gone.  One of you took it and we will be here all night if necessary until the thief fesses up and returns the post to its proper spot on the site.  I’ll now turn my back and if it is returned immediately I will close my investigation; no questions asked.  OK…Go!

No, huh. All right.  I’ll play! I want a list of everyone who is in attendance at this post.  I’ll need your name, address, phone number, dental records, measurements, favorite Partridge Family song, and ATM pin.

I WANT THE TRUTH!  (I can’t handle the truth).

      I was reading my daily email of inspiring quotes (who can’t benefit from a cleverly turned phrase to start the day) and I clicked on an ad with the title above.  As I am a touch over 55  I wondered what eccentric gifts they are suggesting for us seniors (Although 55 is the new 39 so I think they are a bit premature).  The first two (yawn) were a photo storage stick and a toothbrush sanitizer; not exactly an express delivery from Weirdsville.
     But #3 did not disappoint.  I quote the ad: “Self-washing bedsheets save time, money and provide healthier sleep.  Miracle has created the world’s first ever self-cleaning, hygienic, luxury sheets…Miracle sheets are going to be as productive as you.”
     So I started to think why they believe these are of greater benefit to those of us over 55.  Because we are “Productive?”  What are we producing?  Then I got it.

Oh, Yuk!

Schwab raised their Equity Rating of the Chemours Company from C, hold, to B, Buy.  Anybody remember back to 2015 when DuPont spun off their chemical division and the new company, Chemours, took with it the liability for lawsuits regarding some illegal release of toxins into a river.  Then in 2021 Chemours sold its mining chemicals business to Draslova, a Czech Republic company specializing in cyanide production.

I guess Schwab thinks the future looks good for Chemours.  Hey, somebody has to poison the environment so they might as well make a few bucks while doing it.  Their future’s so bright you gotta wear shades…and a gas mask.  The stock symbol is CC if you want to get in on the mayhem!

Disclaimer:  This article contains forward looking statements that are only opinion and not to be construed as fact and is not a promise of profit.  You may lose money and even if you don’t you are a bigger loser if you invest in this load of crap.

The next sentence is more direct: “Although we have not chosen your submission as the winning piece…and hope that you will continue to read and submit to Ploughshares.”
There were thousands of entries but I am certain my poetry was the best.  It is obvious that I was a victim of age discrimination and only lost because how can you emerge at 71 years old?
Or could it be my poetry sucks?  Could I be really bad in a few areas like, form, substance, content, originality, spelling, grammar and overall readability?

No, I’m going with age discrimination.

Interesting story.  I ran into Lao a few months back in a bar on Flatbush Avenue in Brooklyn.  Lao Tsu Fingerman was a purveyor of fine silk rugs from Asia.  While trying to interest me in a four million dollar silk Isfahan from Iran he imparted this wisdom to me free of charge.  He said it originated with his great, great, (many greats omitted here) grandfather, Lao Tsu (no last name).  A quick recap of what he told me:

“To Attain Knowledge, Add Things Every Day.”  Read every day, even articles with big words and no pictures.
“To Attain Wisdom, Remove Things Every Day.”   Remove your MAGA hat, your need to control a woman’s body, your insane fear they are coming to take your precious guns and your hero worship of an amoral, sociopathic, narcissistic pile of human waste.
The world would be a better place.

Did this really happen or is it a parable designed to lead you on the path to enlightenment?  
Only time will tell, Grasshopper…

Relocating a colony of beavers to the Skykomish River immediately led to an influx of dams that slowed the flow of water, allowing it to cool and increasing the volume of surface water to 20 times that of streams with no beaver dams.  The semi-aquatic rodents were able to lower water temperatures by more than 2 degrees Celsius in some parts of the river and helped restore an ecosystem that has been badly damaged by the warming climate.

Did anybody ask the beavers if they wanted to be relocated?  Or was it like, “it’s the Skykomish or the hat factory; your choice?”

I have been invited to the Lighthouse ArtSpace Los Angeles by Deepak Chopra to take part in an immersive visual experience to begin my journey to self-realization.  For only about $60.00 I can have my senses assaulted with images and sounds that will transcend and sensory deprivation tank or massage parlor.  The experience will include:

• An experiential “eyes open” meditation.
• Guidance to the source of who you are.
• Vision beyond your conditioned mind.
• Concept and narration by Deepak Chopra.
• The piece of resistance…A commemorative, limited edition Non-Fungible Token!

In the 60’s, when I was a teenager, a similar experience was available for $2.00 by licking a piece of paper with a drop of LSD on it.  Damn inflation!

I received an offer I couldn’t refuse from Omaha Steaks.  I usually only buy the cheapest cuts of meat on sale at the market but for once in my life I wanted to see if aged prime beef really was better.  I paid a small fortune for a 6 ounce filet mignon aged 30 days.  I cooked it only 4 minutes on each side and it came out dry, tasteless and impossible to eat.

The pond scum at Omaha refused to give me a refund.  I don’t understand it.  Could there have been something wrong with my microwave?  I never had a problem before.  Bacon comes out fine.

“Who does either while driving, sleeps…with the fishes.”… Bruno Tattaglia

Amen.