Archives for September 2022

A great article for us Geezers but you youngsters can benefit from them as well.  I am not going to repeat all of them here as you can ask Siri or Alexa and get them delivered in a flash.  Many you already know: get up and move, drink water, floss, meditate.

The one I found most helpful was to make a “Joy List.”  This is a list of not only things that bring you joy now, but also a wish list of  joyful actions you still hope to do; an exciting trip to an exotic destination or feeling the immense joy of randomly and anonymously sending money to a deserving person for no reason, without expecting anything in return.

If that last suggestion sounds wonderful to you and of course it does, let me know and I will send you a P.O. Box on Oregon where you can be sure your cash will be put to good use.  Then you can sit back and feel the healing power of a good deed and enjoy a few deep breaths, suggestion #12 on the list.

Being retired I am obsessed with staying healthy.  In the course of my research I discovered some facts that impact us all so I share them with you as a public service.  Some drugs can adversely impact hearing.  Researchers speculate that the medications may reduce blood flow to the cochlea, an organ in the inner ear that helps with hearing.

Beware aminoglycoside antibiotics such as streptomycin, neomycin, kanamycin and tobramycin; loop diuretics such as furosemide, cisplatin, carboplatin, bumetanide and torsemide; both chloroquine and hydroxychloroquine and many others I can’t pronounce or spell.

If I save one cochlea then sacrificing today’s rant will have been worth it.  Glad I could help!

I said “Even at their ridiculous prices Baskin-Robbins only charges $4.28 for a single scoop on a chocolate waffle cone.”
He Said “I want to buy it at the Scoopi Cafe in Dubai.”

A new take on an old coffee joke from back when calling someone a “bum” was not politically incorrect.  A single scoop of Madagascar Vanilla at Scoopi’s Cafe in Dubai comes with Italian truffles, saffron, and 23-karat edible gold flakes with a price tag of $817.00.

That same day a man down on his luck (better?) came up to me and asked for $1,634 for a scoop of ice cream.  I said a scoop is only $817.00.  He said “Won’t you join me?”

Some jokes are funny every time!

If I may depart from my usual nonsensical diatribes and engage you in a scholarly discussion on a serious topic that truly fascinates me: The nature of humor.

First a question.  What do W.C. Fields, The Simpsons, Abbott and Costello, The Keystone Cops, Charley Chaplin, The Little Rascals, Jerry Lewis, The Marx Brothers, Jackie Gleason, The Honeymooners, Buddy Hackett, The Three Stooges, Monty Python, Rachel Parris, Rowan Atkinson, Ren Hoek and Stimpson J. Cat all have in common?

They are all funny!

If you don’t agree I would love to discuss it with you in greater detail and hear your thoughts.  No, on second thought if you don’t agree then you are just a big, dumb stupid-head and you don’t know what’s funny.  I am metaphorically taking my ball and going home. (Tongue Out) Razzzzzzzzzzz!

Seriously, this was today’s email headline.  Fascinated I had to delve further into this shocking allegation.

Magnus Carlson is widely thought to be the greatest living chess player.  The 31 year old Norwegian achieved the rank of Grand Master at the age of 13.  Recently Magnus lost in the third round at the Sinquefield Cup in St. Louis to 19-year-old Hans Niemann. It was a shocking defeat.  But Magnus has lost gracefully before.  The shocking part is that he quit the tournament, something he has rarely done and only with good reason.  The speculation is he has proof or believes Niemann cheated.  Experts have reviewed the taped replay of the tournament and agree Niemann played “strangely” but found no proof of how, or if, he cheated.

 Grandmaster Hikaru Nakamura brought to light many questionable claims that Niemann made about the game after it was completed.   A theory developed.  Author James Stanley has figured out a way to cheat through his socks.  Stanley calls it “Sockfish.”  Through a series of vibrations and buttons in his shoes, Stanley was able to toe-tap the computer chess engine his opponents move and then receive a series of vibrations back to give him his next move. Stanley explained that his feet were ideal for accomplishing this cheat because they are the only part of the body that has dexterity while still being obscured from view.

Just when you thought competitive chess could not get any more exciting.  I for one have spent hours on the edge of my chair in eager anticipation of the next move where a pawn might move one or two squares, or a bishop slide diagonally to the edge of the board.  Exhilarating!  I am not sure how much excitement you can handle, but I know I will not sleep a wink until this mystery is unraveled.  Stay tuned!!

Rosh Hashanah is the Jewish New Year. It is the first of the Jewish High Holy Days, as specified by Leviticus 23:23–25, that occur in the late summer/early autumn of the Northern Hemisphere.  A few facts:

1. The holiday has been celebrated for over a thousand years.  Since it is the Hebrew year 5783 you might wonder why it took so long to get the party started.
2. It is a time to reflect and repent.  Like all religions you can always say “sorry” and be forgiven.
3. It kicks off the High Holidays and is often celebrated with foods like Challah and apples dipped in honey; eat up because it ends with Yom Kippur in 10 days and the cuisine for that is somewhat sparse.
4. The call to repentance comes with the blowing of the Shofar…but that joke has been beaten to death.

So I wish you all “L’Shanah tovah!”  
If you can’t translate…or guess…Happy New Year!

Oh Dear Verizon
Master of all things wrong with Corporate America.
You lie, cheat and steal from those loyal to you.
You have no conscience, morality or value.
While that may make you a prime choice for your party’s nomination,
in my accounting you are valued at less than zero.

May all your executives cruise down the River Styx,
to their new homes in Demon Village, average temperature 1,000,000 degrees,
Fahrenheit or Celsius, you choose.
May they all be blessed with loose sphincters and may there be
an eternal shortage of bathroom tissue.

Let their prison cells be populated with 300 lb. cellmates that 
find them attractive and prefer the “Top Bunk,”
if you know what I mean.

And may you never again raise my rates>
I am too lazy to switch carriers,
but you knew that!

Actor Ryan Grantham, known for his role in Diary of a Wimpy Kid and appearance in Riverdale, pled guilty to second-degree murder in March 2020 for killing his mother.  He was sentenced to life in prison by the British Columbia Supreme Court.  Both the judge and Grantham’s lawyer made reference to his diminutive size:  “”I think he’s pretty apprehensive about the whole thing. He’s a fairly tiny person, and to go to the prison system… is daunting and scary.”

Ironic, his tiny size did not stop him from shooting his mother in the head while she played piano.  I guess that made him feel bigger.  It’s well known that many people own guns to compensate for something small;  could it be their brain or perhaps something else?

DO NOT do this at home!  The FDA issued a danger warning after a recent TikTok challenge encourages people to cook chicken in NyQuil (acetaminophen, dextromethorphan, and doxylamine) or another similar OTC cough and cold medication.

Seriously.  What kind of dumdum, lamebrain, blockhead, ignoramus would be stupid enough to think this is a good idea?  I guess if you were that big a nitwit you might even be in favor of banning books about slavery and not teaching true American history in schools.  Nah, nobody is that dumb.

…young or old, conservative or liberal, male or female, gay or straight, carnivore or vegan, Gucci or Old Navy, print or Kindle, Home Depot or Lowes, right or left handed, fact or fantasy,  rock or classical, paper or plastic, file cabinet or cloud, Fox News or NPR, Beatles or Stones, lace or loafer, boxer or briefs, Bikini or thong (I’d like to weigh-in on this…never mind), Hasidic or Reform, Jimmy Choo or UGG, Mardi Gras or  Comic Con, Star Wars or Star Trek, Marvel or DC, urban or country, tree hugger or developer, farmer or cowman (they should be friends and if you get that reference you also love Broadway musicals), scouser or cockney, Central Park West or Bed-Sty, Michigan Avenue or Section 8, Jeff Bezos or Mother Theresa, MENSA or mental.

If you still think out of 336,997,624+ citizens of The United States of America the best choice to lead our country is Donald Trump please submit your DNA to an accredited laboratory for a reality check as you may not be a human being and may have escaped from Area 51 in Roswell, NM.