Archives for August 2022

I know you are out there! 
Recently, I checked out a book from the library and found that a previous reader had bent several of the corners of the pages, apparently to mark his place in the book.  What type of ignorant, sociopathic, infantile, retarded, festering pile of waste would deface a borrowed book by bending the pages?  I have profiled him as a socially awkward 30-50 year old with no friends other than those paid for on internet porn sites. But why damage a book, especially when even slimy, scum encrusted denizens of cesspools like the person who committed this crime against humanity have many other bookmark options?

• One of the many parking tickets you received because you are too lazy to move your car on street cleaning day.
• An old label from one of the hundreds of empty fortified wine bottles in your garage.
• A piece of toilet paper stuck to your butt because you don’t know anything about hygiene.  (Two words: Flushable Wipes).
• The receipt from the pills you bought on the internet in the futile hope you would someday be able to satisfy a woman.
• The notecard given to you at work as a reminder to ask customers if they would like fries with that Big Mac.
• The card you attached to the training wheels on your bike to make it sound like a motor scooter, what you think of as a “Chick magnet.”

Do us all a favor and move to Texas or Florida.  There won’t be many books left when they are done banning the good ones.

So the curtains are drawn, the room is dark and “The Wizard of Oz” is streaming with the sound turned off.  “Dark Side of the Moon” is playing loudly.  Any number of peaceful, mellow souls are comfortably strewn around the room, mesmerized.  Unlike some, I don’t have any mind expanding substances; not my thing, but I am super-mellow just the same.

“Been there, done that?”  You understand the magic of Pink Floyd.
Don’t understand?  You may think I’m nuts…you could be right!

The popularity of Mahjong, a game developed in China in the nineteenth century, seems to be waning.  We cannot let this happen. We need something; an event or grass roots campaign to put this back in the spotlight before it’s too late.  If you have never had your senses tingle from the cool, smooth surface of a mahjong tile caressing your fingers you may not understand, but it is a sensation to be treasured.  We need your help in establishing Mahjong as the National Sport of America (suck on that China!)

Sure, there are more important causes, like saving Bees from extinction which might lead to the dreaded consequences like end of life on Earth.  But man does not live by dread alone (long way to go for that cheesy pun).  Fun is important too and unless you have experienced a mahjong game first hand and seen old ladies throwing tiles onto the table yelling “One Bamb” or “Two Crack” you are not qualified to judge.

Just do it!

Metaphorically speaking that is.  Seeing me in the shower is a traumatic experience from which one may never recover. 
And I am not speaking about water conservation although that is important and a topic for another day.  I am referring to us showering, individually but with a shared thought.  So during tomorrow’s shower come up with a plan to save the world. Let me explain:

People come up with their best ideas in the shower.  Cognitive neuroscientist John Kounios explained to National Geographic that in the shower, “you don’t have a lot to do, you can’t see much, and there’s white noise.”  (White Noise refers to a noise that contains all frequencies across the spectrum of audible sound in equal measure; not to be confused with the noisy white supremacists).

Here is just one example of what someone came up with in the shower: The Shower Notepad!  Pure Genius!

This week, American Airlines became the third major airline to order planes from Boom Supersonic, which makes commercial aircraft that promise to fly at twice the speed of the fastest ones today.

I have a better idea.  Save your hundreds of millions of dollars on planes; hire a lot more TSA Agents and pay them a living wage so they are not so cranky.  Travel will no longer be a nightmare, people will be on time, less flights will be cancelled and total travel time cut in half.

An extra hour or two in the air ain’t no big deal.

In Onancock, Virginia, a harbor town in Accomack County with a population of 1,263 and chartered as a port in 1608, it is reported that someone under the age of 40 has actually posted on Facebook.  While it may be normal in Kentucky, Alabama and Mississippi, it is rare to find someone this backward in Virginia.

Mind blown!!

I am grateful to Sarah from The Woks of Life Asian cooking site for sending me this explanation that appears to solve all my problems with regard to magic potions.

I didn’t actually read the article, (who has that kind of time?), but considering the problems I have sourcing ingredients for the spells in my Hogwart’s Potions Primer it seems Cornstarch, the truly magic ingredient,  will save me from failure.  
So far I have determined that cornstarch can be used as an adequate substitute for the difficult to find ingredients critical to mixing Professor Severus Snape’s revenge potion:

• Billywig Wings
• Flobberworm Mucus
• Ashwinder Eggs
• Shrivelfigs
• Puffskin Hair

Now that I have the recipe (Thanks again to Sarah) and the necessary ingredients, I have a message for the lady that cut in front of me at the self-check stand while I perused the candy rack: “BE VERY AFRAID!”

Come along with me on a wondrous journey of imagination.
Just suppose there is a parallel universe, almost exactly like ours with the seemingly minor difference, that being that once a month, randomly and without visible cause, skipped a day on the calendar.  So today, although ostensibly the 14th might actually be the 15th? 
Think about the consequences.  What if you are paid on the 14th?  What if it was your birthday on the 14th or you had a scheduled colonoscopy that day?  Can your brain even begin to fathom the chaos that would ensue???

Try going to sleep tonight with that thought rolling around your brain!  It will make the monster under your bed seem like a welcome visitor.

Not Just a great film but so many firsts and “teachable moments.”  A few examples:

• Mike Damone taught us how to be classy and order for our dates: “The lady will have the linguini with clam sauce and a Coke with no ice.”
• Gritty American history lessons from Mr. Hand and Jeff Spicoli’s insightful explanation of how Thomas Jefferson’s leadership prevented our country from becoming “Bogus.” Please show it to congress, it might help.
• Life wisdom from Brad Hamilton: “Learn it, know it, live it!”
• Relationship gold from Mark Ratner: “I mean, you put the vibe out to 30 million chicks, something is gonna happen.”
• Hollywood Royalty in infancy: Forrest Whitaker, Sean Penn, Phoebe Cates, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Judge Reinhold, Eric Stoltz and the more seasoned Ray Walston and Vincent Schiavelli.
• Phoebe Cates teaching technique to Jennifer Jason Leigh using a carrot, (you figure it out).
• A one-time flash of Phoebe Cates and the first of many flash-related scenes for Jennifer Jason Leigh.

I hope someone thought to put a copy of this into the time capsule so its wit and wisdom shall forever be imparted to adolescent generations thirsting for knowledge.

That’s how Teri Turner’s recipe is being hyped by Katie Couric Media.  “…the red sauce of your dreams!”

Oh it’s good, but for my money the recipe Pete Clemenza taught to Michael Corleone when they gathered at Don Corleone’s home after that filthy scumbag Virgil Sollozzo tried to kill the Godfather (unsuccessfully, thank heaven) was by far the tastiest marinara sauce that ever kissed a piece of al dente spaghetti.  That is a sauce worth going to the mattresses for!

Spoiler Alert:  Tattaglia is a pimp, it was Barzini all along!