Archives for August 2022

Rapidly approaching the end of my 72nd year and days speeding along faster than the Shinkansen from Tokyo to Osaka, I should be grateful for every moment I have on earth, not wishing time to pass quickly.  But I do not care for the dog days of August and, even though I save for a year so I can afford to run my air conditioner full blast all month, I am very happy when we say goodbye to August; the month named by the first Roman emperor Augustus after himself.

So to you, August, I say adios, arrivederci, au revoir, vale, adeus, auf wiedersehen and sayonara.

And for you disappointed sun worshippers, (aka fans of leathery skin and melanoma), I offer you the same comfort I received after I was soundly rejected and publicly humiliated by my hoped for 6th grade girlfriend Melody, “You’ll get over it!”

Did you always envy Ross, Rachel, Monica, Chandler, Phoebe, and Joey in Friends?  They had a comfortable couch and great coffee every time they met at Central Perk. Whenever they walked in their spot was waiting regardless of the number of other patrons.  Well get ready to be excited as Warner Brothers Studios announced a chain of these coffee houses will open up in 2023.  I have a few questions for the geniuses that want to replicate the experience for their legion of fans which includes me!  I want to get a jump on my competition when the fight begins for the best seats in the house.

1. Do you need a minimum of six people in the group to get the couch reserved 24/7?
2. Do you all have to be white with your weight and height in proportion needed to be an attractive person?
3. Which of the following ex-friends types are required to be deemed acceptable: Talentless dingbat, Ex-Obese neurotic, Hot babe, Brainless Italian stud, Sissy class clown and an Unlikeable, tilted academic?

I’ll be first in line when they open one near me and I am going straight for the couch.  Anyone care to join my group?  I’m married to the Babe so I really need to find a talentless dingbat!

Candace Bushnell, Author of the Sex and the City books, movies and television shows, is hosting a Seine River Cruise where she will “Delight” the guests with stories of her past adventures as the real life Carrie Bradshaw.  I am not lining up to book passage as I can think of three other river cruises that would be more pleasurable;

• An Amazon River cruise where you can get your toes nibbled by man-eating Piranhas.
• A Nile River cruise where you can encounter an Asp, a poisonous Egyptian serpent just like the one that bit Cleopatra.
• A Ganges River cruise, 1560 miles of perhaps the most sacred river as well as the most polluted.  

A week floating down the Seine with yammering yenta Candace Bushnell?  Hard pass here…unless you’re buying the tickets?

I’ve got Good News I share with my readers only!  There is a thing out there called GOOGLE where you can get all the pressing questions of the world answered from the comfort of your chair.  No question is too difficult or obscure.

What is the etymology of vade mecum you ask?  “A pocket manual, handbook,” 1620s, Latin, literally “go with me;” from imperative of vadere “to go” (see vamoose) + me “me” + cum “with.”

I somehow feel it is sort of cheating looking things up on Google so, now that I am retired and have some extra time, I will endeavor to memorize all the information in Google,  A through Z including all the numbers.  It should take some time but keep me as mentally sharp as I am now.  

I’ll let you know how I am doing in a couple of weeks.  If I am not done I should certainly have an end-date in sight.  You are all invited to join me; let’s have some fun!

I am not talking about skipping work or skipping a grade (like many of us did…well, I DID, 4th if you must know).  I mean skipped as a means of forward motion.  It’s never too late to embrace your inner child! The Guardian has some advice for you. Taking a dance class just because, going to a fair, and frolicking in the ocean are all ways you can recapture, or experience for the first time, the joy of being a care-free kid.

Then hopefully, someone will slap some sense into you (metaphorically speaking) so you will quit your insipid whining, realize you are no longer a kid, get up and get to work (see advice from Kim Kardashian).   Who knows?  You may achieve some success like being allowed to keep your mind-numbing job and retain the ability to pay your rent.

Word to the wise: If you make the choice to stick with the skipping and frolicking, I suggest while doing so you maintain a distance of 500 yards away from any schoolyard.

The above titled article from “The Penny Hoarder” seems to be telling us, the other 99%, how we can increase our wealth by engaging in these millionaire-like behaviors.  We know “The Penny Hoarder,” as it advertises in its name, is an enterprise designed to separate you from your money and put it in their gathering receptacle, otherwise known as a pocket.  The article was a selection or retail sites and loan companies that hold no secrets nor any value to anyone.

The secret is what they don’t do with their money.  Top 2 things they don’t do: pay taxes and bet on the Houston Rockets.

It Seems Kim Kardashian and Pete Davidson are no more.  At last I thought there might be hope for her to actually have some value in the world then she dumps one of the great citizens of the world.  I should have known better; a leopard does not change its spots (see…ME!)

Tick…tock…Kardashians.  Your unlimited 15 minutes of fame many be coming to an end.  Take your zillions of dollars and fade gracefully into the sunset.

1944’s film classic “To Have and Have Not” contains a real life lesson.  After swapping spit with Bogie, Lauren Bacall, exiting the room and using her smolderingly sexy voice and seductive smile says, “You know how to whistle, don’t you Steve?  You just put your lips together and blow.”  While this was as close to porn as the average moviegoer got in 1944 (love that scene), who could foresee this would become the national pastime of disgruntled employees.

After losing his job at Twitter, their ex-security chief took Lauren’s advice and blew the whistle on his former employer.  Among his many accusations was that Twitter executives acted with “negligence and even complicity” in response to efforts by foreign governments to invade the platform and gain access to private materials.  My first thought: “DUH!  Who doesn’t know that?”  To be that dumb you would have to be under 10 years old, have an I.Q. in low double digits or still support a failed ex-president who himself is an enemy agent.

But if Lauren Bacall told me to whistle I’d be blowing like there was no tomorrow!

I have a cheap website with no ability to track who visits.  For that reason I’d like to ask a favor and have you let me know who you are.  I have come up with an easy way for you to identify yourself.  Just do the following:

1. Get a carrier pigeon, available on-line for $88.00 at Carrier Pigeons R Us.
2. Put your name and contact information on a minute scrap of paper and insert it in the pigeon’s carrier.
3. Direct it to the big oak tree down the street from me.
4. A friendly squirrel named Sheldon will alert me and I will go to the tree and retrieve the message.

Thanks for your help and support.

More pearls of wisdom from our elderly friends at the AARP.  They include the usual things you might expect; a boat, fancy car, dream house, time-share (always a regret no matter what age) and an R.V.  Actually, I bought none of those so I have nothing to regret.

My only regret is that I did not invest in Amazon 7 years ago so I could have afforded to buy all those things I might regret now.  We all have our burdens to bear.