Archives for July 2022

“In southwest China, footprints of not just one but two sauropods — massive dinosaurs from the Cretaceous period — were found on stones in a restaurant’s courtyard. The tracks, first noticed by one of the restaurant’s patrons and later confirmed by paleontologists, date back 100 million years and provide evidence of what is considered to be the largest species to walk on Earth.  Lida Xing, a paleontologist at the China University of Geosciences who helped verify the footprints using a 3D scanner, told CNN the long-necked, long-tailed animals that stepped in the courtyard were roughly 26 feet long.”

All the cat paw prints leading into the kitchen were verified as modern day.

Unfortunately the republicans pulled off the greatest FRAUD IN LOTTERY HISTORY! 

Even though I have irrefutable proof that I won they are giving the $1.3 to someone else.  Over the coming several months my stellar team which includes the most brilliant minds of our day; Rudy Giuliani (he works for food), Marjorie Traitor Cretin, Matt the Pedo, and the My Pillow douchebag will all swear I won! (I promised a “Pardon” of which I will, of course, immediately forget).

I demand you give me my money or I will hold my breath until I turn blue. 
(Oh wait, I am blue…until I turn red!)

The odds of winning are 1 in 302,000,000.  What’s for Certain? 
Tomorrow Morning there will be at least 301,999,999 very disappointed people.

Not me, of course, I’m gonna win.
(I really need to go and buy a ticket but it’s so hot out there today!)

Following its ratification by the necessary three-quarters of U.S. states, the Fourteenth Amendment granting citizenship to all persons born or naturalized in the United States—including formerly enslaved people—is officially adopted into the U.S. Constitution.  Secretary of State William Seward issued a proclamation certifying the amendment. 

And here we are 154 years later with a congress and majority on the Supreme Court just waiting to strip us of those rights.  Progress!
(Don’t worry assholes…they may take away our freedoms but they’ll let you keep your guns…for now!)

Hollywood was in shock today as beloved Big Brother, Wally Cleaver passed away at the age of 77.  He is survived by his perfect parents, little brother Theodore “The Beaver” Cleaver, and best friend, the smooth-talking charmer, Eddie Haskell.

Their show, “Leave it to Beaver,” broke new ground in television as the first network sitcom to deal with transgender issues in a positive light.  Ward and June Cleaver were the a-sexual perfect parents none of us ever had.  But the real story was the shows subtext, implied but only known to only a few insiders.  Little Theodore, “The Beaver” was born a man in a female body.  The world’s two most supportive parents secretly sent him to Sweden for Gender-Reassignment surgery and allowed their daughter Theodora to become Theodore; calling him “Beaver” as secret homage to his gender of birth.  It remains a ground-breaking series that inspires still today!  They don’t make great television like that anymore. 

Rest-In-Peace Wally.

A friend of mine has been searching for a sustainable method of coping in uncertain times.  He thinks life today is chaotic and we need to adjust our plan.  The truth is we are living in the most stable time in history.  There are more things we can count on to be true than ever before.  For Example:

• The Sun will rise in the east and set in the west (we are talking northern hemisphere).
• When a Republican politician is speaking he will lie.
• Democratic politicians will claim the moral high ground and then be counted on to do nothing.
• The inexplicable popularity of Nutella and Marmite will forever remain a mystery.
• With no proof and only the words of perhaps the most prolific liar in history, nut-bags will continue to think the 2020 election was magically stolen.
• The stock market will rise and fall and rise and fall and rise and fall…
• Not one single person will change their views based on a Facebook post.
• Somebody will win the lottery, it just won’t be YOU (from the archives, still true).

So let’s all stop being afraid and chillax!   “Ain’t nuthin’ to worry about.”

So in the past I have admitted “I got nothing” and moved to the next day.  Today I don’t want to rely on that crutch.  So instead of whining about something in the world that I perceive to be an injustice I am going to share with you one of the most closely guarded secrets regarding what to do to insure a successful future. 

It is only one word and it is as true today as it was in 1967 when Mr. McGuire shared it with Benjamin Braddock upon his graduation and just minutes prior to Mrs. Robinson’s attempt to seduce him.  Please use this wisdom to chart a course for success but do not share it with others lest it become a meme on the internet and be quickly relegated to Facebook, the place where great ideas go to die.  The word: Plastics!

As always, no thanks necessary.

The on-line version of the JAMA Internal Medicine Newsletter of July 5, 2022, says the results of an observational study that looked at over 350,000 adults in the US did not find any significant difference in mortality rates between weekend warriors and regularly active participants.
Adults who perform 150 minutes or more of moderate to vigorous physical activity (or 75 minutes of vigorous activity) per week may experience similar health benefits whether the sessions are spread throughout the week or concentrated in a weekend.

While this may sound like good news for those with limited time, it does nothing for those of us that are lazy and want to get the benefits of exercise with no physical exertion whatsoever.  Come on Doc!  Where’s the pill?

I moved to Los Angeles in 1960 when I was 8 years old.  One of my first memories was the following jingle for Stanley Chevrolet:

(Sung to the tune of the Stanley Chevrolet Jingle)
Stanley, Stanley, Stanley Chevrolet.
Two blocks off the Santa Ana Freeway,
11980 East Firestone, Stanley Chevrolet!

62 years later the words and music are still embedded in my memory like the “Earworm from Hell!”  It makes me wonder what I did not do because the section of my brain that stored the jingle was not available for research and development.  I may have discovered a cure for the eyelid twitch; done better in college and gotten into grad school, earning an advanced degree in English Literature, qualifying me for jobs like shift manager at McDonalds or cellphone sales; or perhaps become a Physicist and moved String Theory from theoretical to…to…to whatever the opposite of theoretical is, beating out Sheldon Cooper for The Nobel Prize.

Damn You Stanley Chevrolet!

PS:  I did make some progress on String Theory.  I found the largest ball of string is located in Dawrin, MN.  It weighs 17,400 pounds, is twelve feet in diameter, and was the creation of Francis A. Johnson.