Archives for May 2022

You would think for a whiny, misanthropic curmudgeon like myself, finding something new to inflame me each day would be a no-brainer.***
But today, everything is O.K!  

(***Editor’s Note:  The term “No-Brainer” was used as a service to our Haters that wish to use it to comment that Fred’s gray matter is less than stellar.  You’re welcome!)

Today is Endangered Species Day, a time to highlight the importance of wildlife conservation and biodiversity.  May 20 is also World Bee Day, Shining a light on the importance of bees in pollinating and sustaining the world’s food supply.

The good news is that lamebrains that still believe the last presidential election was stolen have been added to the Endangered Species list and, with a little luck, will soon be nothing more than an asterisk in a history book.

That’s the promise from NiceNews.com.  Each morning they will send positive, life-affirming news to your email inbox because, in their words, “We believe news has the power to untie us!! (All evidence to the contrary).

This mornings “Good News” was about a new innovation; weighing only 3 lbs. you can now carry in your backpack a solar powered electricity generating turbine.  So while you seek to commune with nature and escape the daily pressure of modern life you can charge your electronics.

That joyous sound you hear is me jumping in the air, clicking my eels and singing “Sweet Sue” I am so overcome with emotion upon hearing this life-altering news.  What’s next?  An Ultraviolet Ray machine that allows one to get exposure to the Suns most harmful rays without ever venturing out of your house, thereby increasing your chances of contacting a squamous cell carcinoma by 67%?

Life is filled with good news; just be open to it!

Lag Ba’omer is a minor holiday that occurs on the 33rd day of the Omer, the 49-day period between Passover and Shavuot. Celebrations often include bonfires, weddings and haircuts.  Most notably it’s the one day during the Omer when Jewish law permits Weddings.  Why?  According to a medieval tradition, the plague ceased on the 33rd day, Lag Ba’omer, a joyful day amid sorrow.

A truly Orthodox believer honors the day by getting married while his bride cuts his hair and then sets the Chuppah on fire. 
Biblical Scholars refer to The Old Testament Book of Irving where they believe the phrase “Trifecta of Faith” refers to this practice.  Sounds a bit nutty? 
Have faith my child.

What do you call a soft drink other than a specific brand name like 7-Up.

Growing up in Chicago we drank Pop.  In California with a young family we drank Coke, although an actual Coca-Cola was rarely on the menu. Coke was the generic term.  And Soda, who says that?  A soda is carbonated water, flavored syrup and minimum 2 scoops of ice cream, period.  If you are one of these misguided souls, immediately cease asking for a soda unless it falls under the carbonated, syrupy, ice cream version.  Creatures of habit who need time to embrace the proper nomenclature may temporarily identify the liquid as Soda-pop for a period not to exceed 2 weeks.

To be clear, this is not optional.

At least I showed up!

Yep, I got nothing.

Contrary to what its name suggests, a heat pump doesn’t just warm your home in the winter. It also provides air conditioning to keep your home cool and comfortable all summer long.

Many names belie their actual meaning but usually for comedic effect; a giant person is nicknamed “Tiny,”  an NBA star “Shorty,” a Kardashian “Einstein,” or a Trump “Human.” 

Isn’t that what many of us want?  A sign that provides proof when faith alone fails to convince us?  Perhaps the sky parting and a lightning bolt that strikes down our enemies like the guy who cuts you off in traffic or fails to silence his cellphone at the theater?

My threshold of belief requires a much less dramatic sign.   For example, the discovery that the nutritional values and calorie counts of broccoli and donuts are actually reversed and replacing vegetables with donuts would be a sure-fire way to lose weight and gain muscle.

That’s a sign that would get me to the Mosque every Friday, the Synagogue every Saturday and Church every Sunday!

May 12th is National Limerick Day in honor of the birthday in 1812 of Edward Lear, the Poet who popularized the funny 5-line verse.  But limericks share the date with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome Awareness Day, International Nurses Day, National Fibromyalgia Awareness Day, National Hospital Day, National Odometer Day and National Nutty Fudge Day!

In honor of this day I will share with you my favorite Limerick.  It contains something for everyone of the celebrants.  As I have an eclectic audience with wide-ranging sensibilities, I thought it prudent to edit the limerick a bit so everyone can enjoy the uplifting message.

There once was a man from Nantucket,
Whose **** was so ****  he could  **** it. 
Said he with a grin,
as he ****  ***  his chin.
If my *** was a **** I would **** it!