Archives for January 2022

     On its way to Bookstores everywhere is a new collection of lists that classifies everything in existence and presents the most noteworthy three. The groups include people, actions, items or events that cover the entire spectrum of human existence.  The brevity of the lists makes this book ideal for placement in bathrooms, lavatories and loos around the world. 

     Through special permission of the author and publisher I have been authorized to occasionally share excerpts with you, my vast readership, in hopes you will see value in purchasing a copy for your homes, heads and outhouses.  (Full Disclosure:  The operator of this website may receive imaginary compensation for each copy of this fake book purchase). Three examples follow:

• The Three Most Used Letters in the English Language:
  • E used in 11.1% of words.
  • A used in 8.5% of Words.
  • R used in 7.6% of Words.
• The Three Most Populated Cities in the World – 2021:
  • TOKYO          –  37,339,804
  • DELHI           –  30,290,936
  • SHANGHAI  –  27,795,702
• The Three Largest Groups Of Morons in the U.S.A.:
  • People who believe the result of last presidential was fraudulent.
  • Those who classify themselves as “Anti-Vaxxers.”
  • People who wear MAGA hats. (Double ignorance points for those that wear them backwards).

“Riveting, captivating, water logged.  I couldn’t put it down!” SpongeBob SquarePants

Has anyone else noticed?  We are ten days into the New Year and it’s looking uncomfortably similar to 2021.

The AARP mailed me free instructions on how to turn pictures from your iPhone into jigsaw puzzles and refrigerator magnets.  I am not sure I am up to that intricate a project but I would like to shake things up somehow; maybe a new houseplant?

Oh my!  We have really lowered the bar on heroism.  We now extol the virtues of those celebrities those that fearlessly post their unadorned faces on Instagram or in People Magazine.

Scores of celebrities, young and old; Millie Bobby Brown and Jennifer Lopez; Black, brown, white, rainbow; Gabrielle Union, Salma Hayek, Charlize Theron, RuPaul; Talented geniuses and inexplicable success stories lacking any reason for existence, Alicia Keys, take your pick of any Kardashian or Jenner.  All of them rushing to get their unadorned images in front of adoring fans to make sure and be on the ballot for the next appointment to sainthood.

Has appearing in public as God created you become such a bold act worthy of unlimited adulation?  I’ll answer that: It has not.  But it can be if it wakes our children to the realization they are already perfect and blowing the college money on powders and potions to transform your appearance only benefits the unconscionable few who are in it for profit.
I’ve used this excerpt before but it’s time to reprise the post and to stop spending hard earned money on cosmetics:

“…it is a trillion dollar industry that would
collapse
if we believed we were beautiful enough
already
their concept of beauty
is manufactured
I am not…”

Rupi Kaur
Excerpt from “The Sun and Her Flowers”

And perhaps a little moisturizer, but that’s all!  NO MAKEUP!

 

If something is good there will soon be someone to come in and mess it up.  It is what we humans do!

• The Internet: What a wonderful communication tool, soon filled with predators, scam artists and insane conspiracy theorists.
• Email: Instant communication; no waste, postage or delays; our inboxes now overflowing with ads, spam, viruses, offers of help with ED and male enhancement (how do they know?).
• Facebook:  Fantastic way to share pictures and thoughts with family and friends now a tool to track you; a breeding ground for lies and political unrest and ceaseless ads.
• Oreos:  No need for pumpkin spice or mint and Cap’n Crunch: what lame brain thought of crunchberries?  Yuk.  But at least they kept the originals as well!

Yes, we need to go to the food aisle to find some consistency and comfort in this maddening world.  There are some things that, although many have tried, cannot be topped.

• Jiffy Cornbread: Adding milk and an egg delivers a sweet, moist delicacy.  Keep your recipes from Granny in Louisiana that yields dry, crumbly dust.
• Kraft Macaroni and Cheese: The original elbow macaroni, no weird shaped pasta. Add milk and butter only.  Le Châtelain Brie, Blue d’Auvergne and Camembert belong on a tray with French Mini-toasts and a fine Cabernet, not on elbow shaped pasta.
• Duncan Hines Brownie Mix: In the interest of full disclosure Betty Crocker and Pillsbury mixes make the grade as well (crispier corners with DH).  Any top brand mix beats the often dry “made from scratch” brownies.  (Yes, you may have a member of the family that is the exception to the rule and creates a moist treat, but why bother?
• Best Foods Mayonnaise: AKA Hellman’s,  No question here.  If you are going to slather your salads and sandwiches with artery clogging hydrogenated  fat, may as well taste good and there is none better.

If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.  

Reactionaries, racists, white supremacists and all-around douchebag wastes of humanity: This is your day to celebrate one of the darkest days in American History.  This is the day we learned just how huge a percentage of American citizens are ignorant, hateful sheep,  worshipping an insane Russian puppet bent on forming an oligarchy to feed his insatiable ego and serial narcissism, even at the cost of our tattered Constitution and dwindling freedom.

There is always hope.  Perhaps during your celebration you will need help and there will be no one around familiar with the Heimlich Maneuver.

They do not write great lyrics like that today!

Listening to contemporary music with its trashy lyrics and atonal non-melodies sends me into a nostalgia frenzy, pining for the good old days.  A time when lyrics were poetic, even uplifting and the day flew by with you humming a lilting melody that magically encased the words in an ethereal glow.  Life was worth living.

And I’ll never forget this immortal tune:
          “Mairzy doats and dozy doats and liddle lamzy divey
           A kiddley divey too, wouldn’t you?
           Yes! Mairzy doats and dozy doats and liddle lamzy divey
           A kiddley divey too, wouldn’t you?”

To this day, when I hear these exquisite words (sniff), I am transported.

Still, when I think Blues, I don’t think music.  Like millions of others around the globe my heart and mind go immediately to the real standard-bearers of True Blue, The Smurfs.  We are mesmerized by the wisdom and experience of Papa; the soft curves and flowing blond hair of Smurfette; the loveable irascibility of Grouchy Smurf; the MENSA-like insights of Brainy Smurf and the side-splitting humor of Jokey Smurf.

Long after the fleeting popularity of the blues fade away with the other disappearing genes of music like country-western, pop and rap, the Smurfs will carry the term Blues into the next millennium.

For those of you that know Linda and her not-so-secret love of this specific confection, will understand what a joyous day it is in our home. I believe this holiday might not have gotten the recognition of other holidays because it is still the first Monday of the year and you probably had to go back to work.  (Emphasis on YOU as I did not…have I mentioned I’m retired?)

Good news for my readers in Nigeria though as the Federal Government has declared January 3, 2022, as a public holiday in celebration of the New Year! 
There is always Joy somewhere in the world; some days you might just have to look a little harder.

At Last, a New Year’s Resolution I can achieve!  While getting to the gym on a regular basis has been a challenge, I am able to muster the energy and focus required to go the App Store!
I took the email advice and downloaded an array of active apps to get me to my fitness goal.  In my world, fitness goal is interchangeable with weight loss goal.  I chose Strava, MyFitnessPal, Calm, Meditopia, Freeletyics, 30 Day Fitness, Pedometer, Health, FitOn, Asana Rebel, Noom (to replace Gloom and Doom) & HIIT. (There are other helpful apps but I was afraid downloading anymore might make my iPhone too heavy to carry).

Whew!  New Year’s Resolution #1 done!  Now I just sit back and relax while the weight effortlessly melts away, Right?