Archives for 2021

I got an invitation today to shop on-line at an e-store called Misfits Market.

How did they find me?
How did they know?

Who’s Guiding principle of governing was the following:
         The Big Lie!  If you continue to say it over and over people will start believing regardless of how outrageous the falsehood?

1. Mao Tse Tung
2. Adolph Hitler
3. Donald Trump
4. All of the Above

Exactly!

It’s the wrong time of the year to stop and smell the roses, so we need an alternate metaphor to get you people to slow down and savor the gifts of life. 
(I do turn a beautiful phrase…) 
Rhubarb grows faster in the dark.  Forced Rhubarb, as it’s called, can grow by as much as an inch a day and the rapid growth actually produces an audible sound. 

So when life gives you a punch in the gut, draining all the joy out of your miserable existence and the last rain to Paradise departed the station 20 minutes ago without you on board,  Take heart, there is still hope!

Simply descend into a dank, moldering cellar, sit in the dark and listen for the ethereal melody of rhubarb growing.  
If that doesn’t put a lilt in your step and a song in your heart then I am at a loss. Seek professional help!

This the subject line of an email I received from Simon & Schuster today.
First, let me say I am flattered that the Chinese government even knows who I am, and that they would actually enlist one of the most respected publishing houses in the world to deliver a message to me.  I have been to China 5 times, (4 with Linda), two for business and three as a tourist. I tried to keep a low profile and blend into the scenery but it appears my covert actions were futile against so formidable an opponent.

Reading on I discovered the book in question was “Red Roulette” by Desmond Shum.   You may be more familiar with the author by his nickname, Dim Shum. He is known for his temper and often gets steamed, but when he dances he likes to dip and take a Bao.  He is a real pot-stickler for details but only a Prawn in the game.  Says who?  Sesame!  (If you are not conversant in Chinese Dim Sum you missed some comedy gold here!)

Anyway…”Red Roulette” is a riveting insider’s story of how the communist party and big money work in China today.  Sounds interesting but China does not want me to read it and I am in enough trouble already, so not anxious to start another fight with them.  I will let some time pass until I drop off their radar, then maybe borrow a copy. 
If you happen to read it take notes, then pass them to me in homeroom.

You can imagine my excitement when I read the subject line of this email.
Who was searching for me and for what reason?  I was able to think of only 2 possibilities: a long lost relative died and his attorney was trying to find me to inform me of my substantial inheritance or I forgot about a savings account I opened 50 years ago that has now grown to over $1,000,000.00.

But alas, apparently putting retired on my LinkedIn profile does not exempt me from searches, so these 5 people wanted to consider hiring me for a job.  Yuck comes to mind.  This quickly transformed from a dream come true to a nightmare.  The 5 companies considering me were most likely Elm Street Industries, Jacob’s Ladders, Arachnophobia Motors, Schizoid & Phrania LLC and Styx River Shuttles.

For now I am off the job market and will continue relying on my Social Security pension and, of course, the kindness of strangers.

This headline is an exact quote from an article in New Yorker Magazine.

There is comfort in knowing I am never again to enter the dating scene.  Good thing Linda and I met and fell in love before I became insufferable.  And while it may make it tough on the dating circuit, there are many job opportunities open to insufferable boors with bland personalities.  So if this describes you take heart, lower your expectations and apply for one of the following careers:

• Candidate for Political Office
• Executive in The Trump Organization
• Kardashian Brand Influencer
• Color Commentator for Curling Matches
• TSA Agent
• Insurance Sales**

**Editor’s Note:  Before I get letters from The Royal Society of Insurance Salespeople expressing outrage about Fred’s characterization of insurance salespeople as insufferable boors please remember two things: 1)This is an attempt at a humorous posting and 2) It happens to be true.

Which, as you may have already guessed, is not excited at all.  In fact, when measured against the Benchmark of Banality, the Kardashians, it registers high on the irrelevance meter.

 The one highlight of the new series is that Kim Cattrall, the marginally adequate actress that haunted the original run, chose to show compassion to the world  by not emerging from her cocoon of obscurity to reprise the role of Samantha; a role she so overacted it became the dramatic equivalent of finger nails on the blackboard.

So if you do watch it let me know what you think.  On second thought, don’t!  My ears might bleed just having to hear about it.

I love the “Thought for the Day” from the Edgar Cayce Foundation. Here is a recent jewel”

“(Q) Why do I tire so easily? How can I gain more strength and endurance?
(A) Most of this is in your mind. But also, in your regular activities and quit worrying!”  ECRL 288-53

Not since Professor Harold Hill taught the kids of River City Iowa to learn to play their instruments using the “Think System,” has anyone given such self-serving advice.  Let me try it again using something I like to call “Common Sense.”

Why do you tire easily?  If you are not suffering with an energy-draining illness it is probably because you lead a sedentary lifestyle, one for which I am the National Poster Boy. 
How can you gain strength and endurance?  Get on a treadmill, do some resistance training and it would not hurt to eat an occasional salad.

Or take their much easier to swallow advice. “QUIT WORRYING!”  (You’ll probably only have a minor heart attack)

Stellar advice Melvin Udall gave to Nora in the 1997 classic As Good As It Gets, a film classic destined to live forever in the annals of Filmdom.  The film and the advice are eternal.  Let me do my part to breathe new life into this sage wisdom.

“To all who believe that vaccines are a dangerous government plot, our election system is riddled with fraud and out of over 300,000,000 people an ignorant orange narcissist is a good choice for president of their country I share this advice:
     “Sell craZy someplace else.  We’re all stocked up here. How about in Moscow?”

Today the main Facebook site went down for 6 hours.  The stock dropped 5% (a disaster for the 50 families that own 50% of the wealth in the country) and millions of people were left without a place to whine, whine, whine all the time.  You should have thought ahead like me and got their own place to rant and kill time, like on this site.

What would people do without Facebook?

• Talk to their children or spouse.
• Eat dinner with the family.
• Walk the dog.
• Go outside and enjoy the fresh air (if in the limited zone where there actually is still fresh air).
• Plant a tree.
• Reduce carbon emissions.
• Find a cure for cancer.

No need to worry.  It will never happen.  The world is safe for idleness.