Archives for 2021

At 5:11 AM this morning I received the following anonymous text:  “Your BTC Wallet has been funded with 10.1 Bitcoin ($598,546.08).  Please login to confirm your balance.”

You can imagine my excitement to know I am now rich.  I will login to collect soon but I have a few other email offers to get first:

• I need to order the tea that I drink 4 times a day and the weight melts off me without diet or exercise.  I like my tea with fudge brownies ala mode.
• There is a pill I can get that does the same thing while I sleep at night.
• Yet another pill will enhance my anatomy so I can switch from boxer swim trunks to speedos and impress the ladies on the beach. 
• Ordering a set of never need to sharpen Ginsu knives will allow me to toss tomatoes in the air and make perfect slices.
• A beautiful woman knows that we were meant to share true love…just send my American Express number for luck.
• A credit repair service can hide years of credit card abuse.  Hopefully they can get me a new card to pay all my other bills.
• I can order a green elixir that will give me all the vitamins and anti-aging elements I need to live in perfect health at any age.  Again no pesky exercise needed.

Dr. Oz, Have you been sneaking into mommy’s room and using her computer again?  You are on a TIME-OUT!

From the New York Times: 
    “A report that was published on Thursday is reviving the debate over how the pandemic began — and the identity of the first victim of the SARS-CoV-2 virus.”  Michael Worobey, a leading expert on the evolution of viruses from The University of Arizona, makes a strong case for the first known case to be a vendor in the animal market.

While the true origin of the virus may never be verified, we are certain that the cause for its rapid spread over 700,000 deaths in the United States was the lies and ignorance of an animal known for its orange color, straw hair, raging narcissism and xenophobia.  And even though though he was exterminated from the nation’s capital, his unique virus of hate and fear continues to spread.

I wonder if it’s possible for Orkin or Terminix to tent Palm Beach, Florida?

We all want to be viewed as trustworthy but how can we tell if someone truly trusts us?
Dr. Fontainebleu Shweinhunt of the Schmeckle Clinic in Lake Zurich, (Illinois, that is, not the real Lake Zurich), in cooperation with the Grey-Sloan Memorial Hospital Psychological Research Project in Seattle, Washington, sought to answer this question in hopes of winning the prestigious Harper-Avery award for breakthrough medical discoveries.  They presented their breakthrough findings at this year’s World Medical Lollapalooza Convention in Paris, (Paris Idaho, not the real one). They have isolated an infallible test to determine without question if someone trusts you.  What follows is nothing short of amazing.

To find out if someone truly trusts you:
Arrange to be alone with the person you wish to test and say the following: 
“Open your mouth and close your eyes and you will get a big surprise.”

If the subject complies, they trust you implicitly!
But think carefully about your next move.  It can go terribly wrong.

Khalifa is an Arabic Word literally meaning successor, ruler or leader.  But what is the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word?
Let’s look at the options. 
If you said:

• Khalifa al Burj – You are probably interested in architecture or travel as it is one of the world’s tallest buildings and an artistic wonder located in Dubai, United Arab Emirates.
• Wiz Khalifa – You are a music lover or one of the zillion people that have listened to his duet with Charlie Puth honoring Paul Walker, now updated as a tribute to Kobe Bryant.
• Khalifa Haftar – You are interested in world politics or a native of Libya as he has just announced he will run for leader of the country.
• Mia Khalifa – You need to delete your browsing history and seek professional help as you may be addicted to porn. Ms. Khalifa is no longer in the business.  (or so I’ve heard…?).

Today’s cultural lesson presented as a public service.

One might rightfully guess Tetrodotoxin, the venom of the Puffer Fish, a substance 1,200 more poisonous than cyanide.

Close, but it appears that the venomous lies spewed from Fox News is 1,200 times worse.  It makes people stupid enough to believe what they hear and seeks to undermine the stability of our republic.  But it makes sense; doesn’t Tucker Carlson resemble a Puffer Fish.  He is certainly filled with enough hot air to inflate his ego to 1.200 times that of a caring human being.

I love science!

The restaurants of San Sebastián, population 186,000, have earned 18 Michelin stars — more per capita than anywhere else on earth.  The beauty of the landscape in this region of Northern Spain’s Basque Country, flaunts multiple coastlines including Playa de la Concha, Europe’s most exquisite urban beach and is surrounded by verdant mountain peaks and the mile-long, wildflower-strewn hike to Monte Igueldo. 

One must ask is it truly the best place to grab a bite?  Perhaps if you choose to take out a second mortgage to afford the three-Michelin-starred cuisine of ARZAK to indulge in a seven-course tasting experience, featuring delights such as velvety foie gras bonbons, methodically spiced volcanic oysters with smoked vegetables and euphoria inducing chocolate truffles.

But for those of us that seek a meal exceeding the expectations one has at ARZAK, and are satisfied with an establishment overlooked by the arrogant faux-gourmand staff of the Michelin Guide, there is only one place on earth for us: The Vienna Beef Factory in Chicago, Illinois.  From the first orgasmic bite of the eponymously name Vienna Beef Hot Dog you will never again be satisfied with lesser cuisine.  The incomparable combination of a snappy casing wrapped around the delectably seasoned filling, bathed in emerald green piccalilli in a swath of piquant yellow mustard, enhanced by tomato, dill pickle, onion and just a hint of celery salt-all floating a billowing cloud, ably represented by a soft, steamed bun dappled with poppy seeds.  Ahhh, I am transported!

If Hot Dogs are wrong, I don’t want to be right!

Not to be confused with a Homonym or Homograph.

It’s all so confusing.  The two words are pronounced the same, spelled differently and have vastly different meanings.
Succor is help, relief, aid, assistance or a person who gives help, etc.
Sucker is a frightened conspiracy theorist that believes the lies of an orange, sociopathic narcissist.

That’s a Wrap.  Or possibly a Rap.

The American Association of Retired Persons, (AARP), is ever vigilant in looking out for the health and well-being of those of us in this stage of our lives; that being the final stage.  Today’s article lists the top 10 risk factors of heart disease.  They include lack of sleep, bad diet, loneliness, stress, sedentary lifestyle, obesity, tobacco and poor dental hygiene. 

That’s a lot to remember so I follow the much simpler “Transylvanian Association of Retired Persons (TARP) Guide to a Healthy Heart.”   TARP’s only rule for heart health is to avoid contact with anyone named Van Helsing; a person easily identifiable by the sharp wooden stakes and mallet he carries with him at all times. 

Following TARPs guidelines I may live forever.

In a new era of cooperation, Chinese leaders  have, at last, shared the ancient secret to making tea. See this diagram off a box of imported pu’erh that I just purchased.
All the wasted years, all the wasted teabags…How was I to know you put the hot water in a cup?  That is hot water, right?

Shia Shia Ni, China! A grateful nation says “Thanks!”