Archives for 2021

Every St. PATRICKS DAY the Oregon Lottery sells 250,000 tickets at $10.00 each for a drawing in which the top prize is $1,000,000.00.  Since they limit ticket sales and guarantee a winner your chances of getting the million dollars are 250,000 to 1. That is considerably better odds than the 295,000,000 to one odds to win the Powerball.  So if you feel better losing at lesser odds, and you will still lose, by all means buy a ticket and donate your ten dollars to a total stranger.  I speak from experience.

Trying to appear reasonably intelligent and well-spoken?  Omit these three trite phrases from your limited repertoire:
“It’s to die for.”  There are things worth dying for but chocolate cake is not one of them.
“It is what it is.”  Is it also not what it’s not? Just stupid.
“It costs an arm and a leg.”  Only appropriate when negotiating price with Jeffery Dahmer. Just say “it’s expensive.”

I received a Zoom call from Russia today. 
Imagine my surprise to see the sinister mustache of Boris Badunov and the slender, lithesome body of Natasha demanding I give up the location of Moose and Squirrel. They said since the change in administrations they no longer had a direct line to the White House.

Their threats fell on deaf ears. I told them to do their worst.  I will never betray Rocky and Bullwinkle.

Today’s date is 21038 on the Julian Calendar. 
Translated to real life it means you have lived your New Year’s resolutions for 38 days.
How are they working out for you?

Do you know what an earworm is?  Think the song “Feelings.” “Feelings, nothing more than feelings, Wo oh oh feelings….”  Got it.  Now that insipid, annoying and endless theme will reverberate in your head all day.  That is an earworm.  You’re welcome.

Today is my oldest brother’s Birthday.  Although he spent over 30 years building a distinguished career in law enforcemnt his most memorable achievement in my memory happened in 1959 in Chicago, IL.  Returning home from the bus stop after his day at Lane Tech High School he came upon me getting beat to a pulp by a long haired bully nicknamed “Cookie.”   Cookie was pounding me, a 90 lb. weakling, (hard to believe, huh?  Not that I was a wimp, but that I ever weighed 90 lbs), and with one punch sent Cookie home crying with a bloody nose.  Ahhh, Good times!

The Wisdom of the Ages Rethought for Our Modern Times.

Confucius Today:
“Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall…”
…and stepping on our opponents groin as we ascend.

Be patient and wait.
“Revenge is a dish best served cold.”
And revenge, like potatoes that are first heated, then served cold,  may also be high in resistant starch – a type of fiber that is “resistant” to digestion by human enzymes and thereby may assist you in  your ultimately fruitless weight loss journey.

“It’s Only Words,
And words are all I have
to take your heart away.” 
The Bee Gees.  Barry, Robin & Maurice Gibb.

“I can take your heart away in half the time
with a 9″  Bowie knife.”
Dexter

“NOSTRUM”  
Is it defined as:     
1.  A cute nickname for a spooky 16th Century French Astronomer that still freaks us out today?
2.  A place we cultivate boogers until picked?
3.  A stand from which to pontificate and pretend to be smart?
4.  A medicine sold with false or exaggerated claims?  (See: Viagra).
5.  All of the above?