Archives for 2021

When it combines being an ass with rampant hypocrisy for selfish motives, J.D. Vance, author of the bestselling memoir “Hillbilly Elegy” has a lot of competition but emerges as the clear winner.  He is trading in his beliefs to make a run for the Ohio Senate.  The prospects are good as he is basing his entire campaign on lies, a technique which seems to be the most sought after skill in politics these days.  The fact that he is stupid enough to think that this capitulation to evil will get him a senate seat proves you can be literate and still clueless.  Is that the definition of “Hillbilly?”
James David:  Whether you win or lose (my $2.00 is on you losing) you will never regain the self-respect you traded for what you perceive as a political edge.  Fast forward to post election morning.  Scene: J.D. Vance pacing in his bathroom wearing only maga Underoos pulling at his hair and beating his chest: “Stupid, stupid, stupid, what was I thinking? Stupid stupid stupid…”

Don’t know to what the H.E. Double toothpicks I am referring?  GOOGLE it Einstein!

I get a daily email from “Eat This Not That” the above title being the most recent subject line.  Spoiler Alert: Of the many sugary, creamy and carbonated items McDonalds offers the worst choice for a healthy item is the Strawberry Shake.
After extensive research I have developed a simple method of determining the nutritional value of an item.  If it says any of these key words at the top of your menu, whatever you choose is not likely to contribute to a healthy lifestyle:

• McDonald’s
• Jollibee
• Jack-in-the-Box
• Popeye’s
• Wendy’s
• Chick-fil-A
• KFC
• In-N-Out
• Etc. Etc. You get it, right?

You will notice the glaring absence of Burger King from the list.  Its omission is not by mistake.  Health concerns fade when presented with the juicy goodness of Flame Broiling!

And for those of you deluded souls who think you are eating healthy at Chick-fil-A,
your ignorance is best explained by a quote from  The Book Of Bernie 24:7: “What thou art full of is not Chicken!”

Yes, it is.  But there is so much more to celebrate!

On this day in 1884 the first bullfight in The United States took place in Dodge City, Kansas.  Although bullfighting as a sport failed to catch on and has since become illegal in our country, the major byproduct of the bull, “Bullshit,” continued to gain in popularity and reached its pinnacle when, on October 7, 1996,  Fox News began broadcasting, spreading their brand of manure, managing to avoid any speck of truth and giving a voice to racists, fringe groups and fearful masses lacking the brains to think on their own. 

It is also “Sidewalk Egg Frying Day” so if you are anywhere near Oatman, AZ today, check out the Solar Egg Frying Contest.**
**Be sure to check with your Cardiologist before attending to make sure your heart can withstand the excitement.

Many people share credit for the origins of the gas mask including Leonardo da Vinci for a rudimentary air filter and Garret Morgan for the “Smoke Hood” a predecessor to the gas mask (Interestingly he also invented the 3 position traffic Signal).  But I believe Benjamin Lane is the man to whom we owe a debt of gratitude.  On July 2nd 1850, Benjamin Lane of Cambridge, Massachusetts received the first U.S. Patent Number US7476 A for a self-contained breathing apparatus called the gas mask. And how life changed for the better!  How so?  Read on.

We all know beans are a wonderful low cost source of protein, fiber, vitamins and are rich in antioxidants, but up to this point in history the wonder food was relegated to feeding hungry cowboys on the prairie (See “Blazing Saddles”).   In the 1850s homes were small and lacked proper ventilation making the atmosphere created by serving of beans quite unpleasant.  The breathing apparatus invented by Lane made it possible for beans to make the leap from Wild West campfire fare to a staple in the American home.  I am told there were other uses for the gas mask as well but, who knows?

So this month, while happily singing the traditional after-meal song “Beans, Beans, The Musical Fruit” throw a little love and gratitude to Ben Lane, American Hero.

Linda and I have given up on television with the exception of Netflix and Amazon.  For the first time (I know we are 17 years late) we actually started watching “Grey’s Anatomy.”  The Surgery scenes are so realistic it has inspired me to finally make a career choice.  I am going to become a surgeon. Not a popular choice at 70 but I have a genius plan.

     I am going to take a cue from Kim Kardashian and skip the college degree part.  I know the legal profession is a piece of cake compared to medicine but Kim is an influencer and consider me influenced to lower the bar on all professions.  All those numbskulls that actually spend 3 years in law school or four in med school are fools.  If only they were inexplicable success stories like her they could buy their way in.  Anyway, I know it sounds strange and being a doctor requires actual schooling.  But I have a plan.

First I will power-watch all 17 seasons of Grey’s Anatomy to earn my provisional medical license.  It will only allow me to perform surgery on Reality TV stars, Internet Influencers and politicians, so if I lose a patient the world will be a better place.   We all win! 

Cheesy attempt to mirror the “Glass half-full or Half-empty’ metaphor aside, whether you believe the year to be half-full or half-empty, it is truly half-over.
From this day forward all conversations you have with a person 60 years+ old where the date is mentioned will include some form of the following statements:

• “How time flies!”
• “Where does the time go?”
• “It’s going faster each year.”
• “I can’t believe the year is half over.”
• ” But we just celebrated New Year’s Eve?”
• “July 1st, Unf*****g believable!”
• “I can’t believe I’m still here.”
• “Can I borrow a few bucks?”  (That one is unique to me and does not require mention of a date).

In mid-June storms pelted Gippsland, a region in Victoria near the mainland on Australia’s southeastern edge.  Swollen riverbanks engulfed downed trees and pooled in the streets.  Thousands of homes lost power but when the rains subsided the shore glowed with an awesome sight.  It was as if the trees and shoreline had been covered in a gauzy film like translucent silk sheets strewn over the landscape; showing spots of branches, leaves and green grass beneath the billowing fabric.
The creators of this ethereal canvass were tens of thousands of spiders spinning their webs in a desperate and successful attempt to save their own lives.

I imagine after that horrific battle for life and a near death experience, the spiders must be filled with rage and a pathological need for revenge… and very, very hungry.

On this day in 1888, Professor Frederick Treves performed the first appendectomy in England.  Having received his medical training in the United States he made a natural assumption and incorrectly made the incision on the left side of the patient.

Take a minute…wait for it…

You have to keep your meal plans in sync with the times.
If Trader Joes Organic Valencia Peanut Butter, Bonne Maman Cherry Preserves and Ben & Jerry’s “Pistachio, Pistachio” were on your list of unlimited foods I would buy a lifetime membership.
Wake up and smell the carbs.