Archives for 2021

But be sure to wear socks or open yourself up to athlete’s foot, toenail fungus and a possible petty theft charge.  Better yet, stay the hell away from my shoes and mind your own freakin’ business, buttmunch!

On this day, August 3rd in the year 8 AD, Roman Empire general and future emperor Tiberius defeated the Dalmatians on the river Bathinus.  Heroic tales of the battle became legend throughout the empire and may have been a driving force in Tiberius’ eventual rise to power.

It was not until 1956 that the truth about the battle was exposed by ancient history scholar Dodie Smith in her epic treatise “One Hundred and One Dalmatians.”  It was not an army of Delmatae soldiers, an Illyrian tribe in Dalmatia, contemporary southern Croatia and western Bosnia and Herzegovina, but rather a pack of unruly dogs.  Disney Studios, in a departure from their usual formula films, immortalized the heroics of the Dalmatians by bringing the epic battle to the big screen in a 1961 animated film.

Although the Disney film remained true to Smith’s work we did learn one historical fact not in the book.  Tiberius, whose marriage was reportedly on the rocks due to his frequent departures for battle and rumored bouts of E.D. was able to rekindle the romance in his relationship by returning home from this battle and presenting his wife with a full length fur coat; white with black spots.

On June 11th I introduced a feature where I impart sage advice based on questions from my readers, be they real or imagined (and, as you can imagine, most are imagined…Love that word!). Today’s Question comes from a reader in Tanganyika.  Not Tanganyika, Africa now known as Tanzania, but The Tanganyika Wildlife Park in Goddard, Kansas. The actual letter, be it real or…you know, is printed in its entirety.

Dear Frederick:
      I am a 35 year old female Keeper at the Tanganyika Wildlife Park in Goddard, Kansas.  In hopes of maintaining my anonymity with this delicate subject I have changed my name, age, gender, job title, location and place of employment, but everything else is absolutely true. While working at the animal complex I was assigned to the sloths.  As everyone knows Sloths are a group of arboreal Neotropical xenarthran mammals, constituting the suborder Folivora. My sloth was named Felmar and he was special. Let me cut to the chase; I fell deeply in love, romantic love, with Felmar and I know he feels the same. Although there is a language barrier his gaze and touch are universal messages in any language…or species. We are planning to escape together and find some place where our special relationship will be accepted.  I have some money saved and we will find a spot where he can munch on leaves, twigs and buds so finances are not a problem.
My question is: in a world where true love is so hard to find and comes but once in a lifetime, does it make sense to cast aside modern conventions and try to find our place in the world?    
Confused in Kansas

Dear Confused:
     Sure, go for it. What the hell.
Frederick
(Address your questions to “Ask Frederick” c/o this email)

Above is another headline from my inbox.  This one linked to an article that was first published in December of 2020 which made me wonder why they would reprint such an old article. While the information is still valid they could have shortened it to “The One Place You Are Most Likely to Catch Covid.”  The answer: FLORIDA.

I’d like to see an article titled “The 35 Questions That All Have the Same Answer: FLORIDA.  Here’s a few to start:

• Where are you most likely to catch Covid?
• Where is the most unpleasant weather in the Country?
• Where can you get up close and personal with alligators and pythons in the same residential neighborhood?
• What State has a Governor who puts his political career above the welfare of his constituents?
• What state’s has the least amount of residents with IQs in triple digits?
• What state is as miserable to live in as Alabama, Mississippi or Texas?
• Where do Mr. and Mrs. Ivanka Trump live since being shunned in New York.
• In what state are the Palmetto Bugs so large they are often mistaken for Volkswagen Beetles?
• What state grows the most oranges, has the most Golf courses and the most orange colored golfers? 

To paraphrase a thought from Horace Greely: “Go North Young Man!”

Dear Betterfredthandead-heads:
      In my selfless attempt to impart the wisdom of the ages to my dedicated and reverent followers I may have been a bit too obscure in my previous posts, leaving doubt about my true intentions.  Looking back over my communications I see where I appeared to suggest my legion of devotees provide me, at their expense, trifles like a million dollars in cash, tickets for an insanely expensive world tour or a myriad of alternative examples of corporeal wealth.  I want to set the record straight. 

I am in no way suggesting you give me money.  Your adoration is sufficient payment for all I do.  But if you are moved to provide me with worldly tokens of your affection, far be it from to interfere with your humanitarian desires.  The saying goes “you can’t take it with you,” so if you are moved to get up off of some of those big bucks gathering cobwebs in a Health Savings Account or aimlessly idling in your children’s college fund, feel free to push a little my way, who’s to stop you?  

It’s like my therapist says when I fall behind: “If you don’t pay for the sessions you can’t get better!”  

Google that question and you will get a long list of choices.  You can research how much is enough: to retire, to retire at 55, sleep, money, protein, fiber (important!), vitamin D (my doctor says 2,000u a day), whining about the government (I made that up), etcetera, etcetera and etcetera.

The question is truly personal and everyone must think deeply before answering; only you know the truth.  Many of you will never be able to formulate a definitive answer. But as you can imagine, I have been able to and will share the details with you in hopes of inspiring you to set sails on your personal voyage of self-discovery.

How much is enough? $1,000,000 in cash, after taxes. That’s enough.  Do you know how to set up a “Go Fund Me?”

 

No nimrod, global warming or climate change is not a good thing so please, I said please, quit denying the science because you’re afraid of reality; it’s too scary.  But, in the interest of free speech (or is that Fred speech) and scholarly dialogue for which this site is known…(hmmmm?)…I share an interesting fact that may have some origins in a changing climate change.

This year Bristol Bay, Alaska, is recording record catches of Sockeye Salmon.  Bristol Bay’s Nushagak District topped 1 million fish per day for seven consecutive days and edged the 2 million mark several times; great news for salmon lovers although I did not see a single positive article about it in this week’s Vegan Times Newsletter.”

Hold on.  Before you start worshipping at the altar of the orange, straw-headed leader of the church of alternative facts (aka lies), know that the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is forecasting a generally low salmon harvest by historical standards.

So recycle wherever possible, conserve water and other natural resources, support alternative energy research and fire up the grill; I like my Sockeye Salmon medium rare with rosemary and Linda’s dill sauce!

I know  whenever it is time to get me a gift (no time like the present) you struggle with finding something meaningful knowing I already possess the world’s greatest treasure.  Today I received a letter that is going to make your decision easy!  Not only is it the perfect thoughtful gift but it will repay you by giving me endless stories and dozens of vacation photos to share with everyone.
Road Scholar is offering a world tour in a private plane for a select group of discerning people like, Moi.   We will visit The Great Pyramid of Giza, Petra, The Taj Mahal, Angkor Wat, Borobudur Temple Complex in Indonesia and Stonehenge (been there, done that one). 
THE BEST PART? Airfare is Free!  The only cost to you will be tickets for me and Linda. Just $59,000 each. But again, we will fly to London for FREE!

Information at  www.roadscholar.org/private-jet  and please feel free to get yourself a ticket and come along…it’s the least I can do to say “Thanks!”

Join the crowds rushing to Deepak Chopra’s Whole Health Retreat.

If you have $7,800 to drop on a long weekend in the Sonoran Desert feel free to join Deepak and the One-Percent in a journey of discovery and shameless hedonism reserved only for those with the means to pay.  For the rest I offer a quick “Highlights” course which will provide the same emotional release minus the pleasurable hot and cold Aqua Therapy Circuit and Happy Ending but, on the plus side, not max-out your credit card ’cause here it don’t cost nothin’.  (Without a masseuse a battery operated device may be required)

We will focus on just two of the seven:

• Step 2:  Identify the emotion.  Try “I Feel___________” (sad, angry, hurt, etc.)
• Step 4:  Express the emotion to yourself: Journal the feeling in detail.

Let’s give it a try:
     * I feel angry and exasperated at those who refuse to get vaccinated.
    **Dear Journal:  These freakin’ morons that are so mentally challenged they live in fear and buy into the drivel of imbeciles who warn against it (although they all have had the vaccine) and deny science so they can gain political power and unlimited wealth.  Who do they think they are, Televangelists?  May they live to see the error of their ways and then suffer agonizing damnation in the fire pits of hell by being forced to eternally watch reruns of “Keeping up with the Kardashians!”

Wow, I feel better.  Thanks Deepak!

Sure China is rolling warships off the assembly line daily, choking off the South China Sea, one of the world’s busiest and most important shipping lanes and yes, they have allowed many American adoptions of Chinese children (with chips implanted so they can keep track for the uprising, (see “101 Conspiracy Theories” by Ima Headcase).

But let’s keep in mind all the good they have done:

• Dim Sum:  Delicate pork buns and creamy egg custard tarts, Yum!
• Green Tea:  Have you had your daily dose of antioxidants?
• Chinese Checkers:  A game so boring even kids don’t want to play.
• Charlie Chan:  A Chinese detective so inscrutable he was portrayed by a Caucasian in the movies.
• The Tang Dynasty:  Tang, the wonderful orange drink that quenched the thirst of USA Astronauts for years.
• Panda Express:  Noodles or rice?  You choose!

A tip of the cap to our Asian friends!