Archives for 2021

Mushrooms, mold, and other fungi were once considered plants when in reality, their cell structure is more similar to that of animals.  Fungi are one of the most commonly found organisms on the planet, yet scientists admit there’s still so much to learn about them.  I know science and truth have not been very popular these last 4 or 5 years but there is a lesson here.  

Agronomists can save our nation!  If we can change the main crop in Florida from citrus and the main crop in Texas from hate and ignorance to mushrooms, we might be able to clean up two of the three most toxic sites in our country.  Then on the The Capitol!

An added bonus:  An abundance of low cost Mushroom Risotto to be enjoyed by all, YUM!

It must really suck to be a comedian today.  In the past no subject was taboo.  We made jokes about really horrible subjects meant to alleviate pain, not cause it.  We knew they were jokes and laughter is the best medicine, that is, after you’ve been vaccinated.
In 1964 Lenny Bruce went to prison for saying things on stage you can now here on Sesame Street…perhaps a slight exaggeration…but the window of acceptability has certainly narrowed.  Let’s take a peek back before the PC virus hit.
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Mel Brooks’ Classic “The Producers” was about con men producing a Nazi play with the title song lyrics Springtime for Hitler and Germany, Winter for Poland and France.

The Leprosy Song: There goes my eyeball into your highball.  Better kiss me quick, there goes my lower lip.

Fatal Crashes:
Me:     I have good news and bad news.  A bus load of lawyers drove off a cliff.
You:  That’s terrible.  What’s the good news?
Me:   That is the good news.  The bad news?  There was an empty seat…Rudy Giuliani couldn’t afford a ticket. (I may have updated this one just a bit).

But you can’t say these today.  Oops.

First off I don’t judge.  What consenting adults do with their tuning forks in the privacy of their own home is none of my business.
But for those of us whose tuning forks have been laying dormant, there is a recent innovation I discovered on the bastion of truth and morality we call the internet.  It is Energy Medicine Yoga (EMY).  Apparently you can access the quantum field (and I assume that’s a good thing) with EMYoga and a tuning fork.

What does the average person need to do to become enlightened and gain life-changing access to the quantum field?   
Fork over $109.00 a month for 3 months or save nothing with a single payment of $297.00!
And all I have been squandering my money on is food, rent and clothing (and this website), when a Certificate of Enlightenment was so affordable.

Sad to think if  Buddha had only been born a few years later, he might have taken the offer and found nirvana without wasting all that time meditating!

That’s Easy!  We all know it was Kirk Douglas.  Changing your name to something less ethnic or less wimpy was a Hollywood tradition.  Cary Grant was born Archibald Leash and John Wayne was Marion Morrison.  It is even rumored that Austrian transplant Arnold Schwarzenegger changed his name from Bill Jones.
But here is a lesser known bit of trivia.  Let’s see how good you are:

What Failed American businessman, reality actor, politician, russian operative and inhuman being is known in the land of borscht, pierogis and totalitarianism as Donaldovitch Johnvonivitch Trumpistanovich.
Crack that code Einstein!

Virginia Woolf was an English writer credited with pioneering the use of “Stream of Consciousness” as a narrative device.  I honor her by attempting to emulate this style in the DAILY INFLAMMATION.  Her inspiring quote:

“If you do not tell the truth about yourself you cannot tell it about other people.”

About Myself:  I am a 39 year old genius with a six-pack of abs that would make Chris Hemsworth jealous.  I am brilliant and share my daily thoughts on this site with over 600,000 followers.  My prowess in the bedroom is only overshadowed by my IQ of 160 and my string of advanced degrees from Harvard.  As Mother Teresa said to me when I was working by her side to ease the suffering of the poor, “You are an awesome dude!”

About Others:  Everyone who wears a MAGA cap and worships the orange russian agent that his comrades put in power are the smartest people in the world and not ignorant racists living in fear.

I guess Virginia knew what she was talking about.

Btw:  “Mrs. Dalloway” is my favorite of her novels.  I suggest you read it.

Never underestimate the joy you bring to others and to yourself by the simple expression of gratitude.  It is easy to tell someone you are grateful but the phrase has been overused to the point that merely saying the words has little impact.  You must show your gratitude in actions beyond words.  For those that need the help, you nutters know who you are, here is a list of meaningful ways to express love, respect and gratitude.

1. Place a weekly call to Mom.
2. For 1 day refrain from lamenting the end of democracy caused by the: (pick one) republicans/democrats/Sith Stormtroopers, Joel Osteen.
3. At Least ONCE in your life admit you were wrong.
4. Smile at a random stranger.
5. Give a foot massage (but not to a random stranger).
6. Recycle, do full loads of laundry and turn off the lights when leaving a room.
7. Eat one meal a week with your phone in your pocket.
8. Admit the truth when you lose (you big baby!).
9. Bring someone flowers (but not from the supermarket).
10. Shut up and mind your own business (always a good choice).

Actually, sometimes the easiest way is the best.  I am grateful for you.  Don’t ever change, mean it sincerely!

There was never any Secret.  Matthew has always been open about his choice to not wear deodorant.  Give him a break, not the Axe

All we hear about is the second amendment to the Constitution, the right to form a well-regulated militia.  What about the first amendment, the right to free stench?  We, your loyal fans, offer our support Matthew.  We stand behind you, upwind about 6 feet away.

We have come full circle.
Growing up we had a slot in our front door where the postman slid in our mail.  Others had a box at the curb and had to make the short walk.
Next came groups of boxes for a small radius of homes and the walk to retrieve mail became longer, way too much trouble to pick up a Bed, Bath & Beyond 20% off coupon or a solicitation for charity that includes the most useless free gift ever, a sheet of return address labels to add to the 200 unused sheets you already have in your desk drawer.

We now have “USPS Informed Delivery.”  It only takes a minute to sign up at USPS.com and you will receive a daily email with scans of all the mail that will be delivered to your box.  You can go for days without making the disappointing trek to the mailbox where that hoped for notice of a windfall inheritance or bazillion dollar check from the Publisher’s Clearing House will not be there.

Crushing disappointment without ever leaving the comfort of your home.  Progress!

 

The Parissi were a Celtic, Gallic tribe that dwelt on the bank of the Seine River during the Iron Age and the Roman Era. They lived in France where today the city of Paris is located, whose name was derived from the tribe.  Makes you wonder how some U.S. cities got their name.  Let’s take a look:

CANADIAN, TX:  A city in Hemphill County with a population of less than 3,000.  It is said the people there are not your average immigrant-hating, gun-toting racist Texans and want to be associated with the friendly, maple syrup drinking people of Canada.  Makes sense.
COWARD, SC:  Located in Florence County with a population of less than 1,000.  Rumor has it that the name was chosen when it was discovered the entire male population of Baby Boomers avoided the draft by claiming to have bone spurs.
HOOKER, OK:  Located in Texas County with a population of about 2,000, it was originally named Intelligent City to honor the first and only high school graduate from the area.  Mayor Hogg, seeking to generate additional revenue beyond his moonshine sales, made the name change to attract tourists.
THREE WAY, TN:  A city in Madison County with about the same population of Hooker, changed their name from Missionary Position to Three Way at the same time Hooker did in order to compete for the tourist trade.  While Hooker initially got more tourists, Three Way soon surpassed them and became the vacation spot of choice for the more experienced traveler.
AMERICAN FORK, UT:  32 miles southeast of Salt Lake City the city has a population of just over 30,000.  It was originally named simply Fork City but after they built a University there the students proudly wore tee shirts with an extended finger proclaiming “Fork U!” The city elders acted quickly; the finger was removed and the American added.

There is a website whose daily communication guarantees to make you the smartest person in the room.  Its content covers all the day’s top news and info—sports, science, culture, politics, business, and more—in a concise and impartial 5-minute morning email.  I don’t need to read it as most of the time I am the smartest person in the room…if Linda is elsewhere and I am self-quarantined.

It still counts.