Archives for November 2021

SONG: Sung to the tune of “The Merry Old Land of Oz.”

With a nut bag here and a racist there
and narcissistic wealthy snobs, that’s how a Senate we destroy
In the U.S. Senate of OZ!

Alleged celebrity charlatan and doctor? Mehmet Oz is taking a break from hawking magic elixirs for weight loss to run for the U.S. Senate in Pennsylvania.
If he wins (unfortunately stranger things have happened) I hope he, at least, shares his magic weight loss potions with his colleagues.  Perhaps we will have a few less Fat-Heads in congress.

Song: “To Dream the Impossible Dream” (Sung to the tune of: To Dream the Impossible Dream).

If I am being too subtle let me clarify.  If you think you are getting a once in a lifetime deal as the philanthropically challenged retailers would have you to believe by purchasing on-line today, I am suggesting that perhaps you have erred in your assessment of the situation.  “A fool and his money are soon parted!” 

(But hmmm…that combo air fryer, toaster oven and composter for $29.95…perhaps there are a few awesome deals?)

In this age of separatism and disharmony among our citizens we all need to find some common ground. Since many Jews celebrate the secular version of Christmas; the one where you have a festive tree and go into debt to give gifts to feel the warmth of gratitude from the recipients, it is only fair that other religions take advantage of  the secular version of Chanukah and do the same.

When it comes to maxing out our credit cards, we are all one in the eyes of the Universe.  Amen

Did you know that Penicillin and Blue Cheese are made from the same mold, Penicillium?
If we made a delicious food (meh) and a lifesaving medicine (for the remaining 3 infections that are not yet penicillin resistant) with one disgusting pile of mold, maybe we can come up with ideas of how to repurpose other disgusting substances.  For example how about using self-admitted liar Tucker Carlson as Whack-A-Mole Dummy?  That might save more lives than Penicillin.

That bastion of truth and accurate information Wikipedia credits the origin of the term Black Friday to an article in “Factory Management and Maintenance.”   In 1951 the article referred to the widespread practice of calling in sick the day after Thanksgiving as Black Friday.  Eventually “The Man” realized the benefits of giving Friday off.  It gave workers a 4 day weekend , making it easier to abuse them for the rest of the holiday season.  The term’s meaning was soon to note various other events, each less interesting than the last, and at some point became the rallying call for the biggest sale day of the year.

As with everything good in this life someone will eventually ruin it for personal gain, and retailers now start giving  Black Friday pricing from somewhere between July 4th and the end of January of  the following year.  Now we just stand in line to feel the illusion of getting a super discount when, in truth, we mostly get the same discount that will be listed in next week’s flyer as  Black Friday Pricing Extended through Sunday! 

My suggestion: Switch to getting your discounts on Cyber Monday where you can get the same or better deals on-line.  It seems safer.
Who ever heard of anyone ever getting scammed or cheated on-line?

I hope you are surrounded by friends and family, something we should all be thankful for.  And a special prayer of appreciation to the Indigenous People of North America who welcomed the first immigrants, outcasts from a “civilized” nation to their home and shared their bounty in what was to be the first Thanksgiving Feast.

Bummer about the government eventually breaking treaties to get the land; all the wars, massacres  and attempts to destroy your way of life by condemning you to reservations.   But we attempted to atone by allowing casinos and resorts so you could make a few bucks.  A start, but let’s make one final deal and “Bury the hatchet” so to speak.
To our Seminole brothers and Arapaho sisters; our Apache, Cheyenne and Cherokee families as well as scores of tribes unnamed here, I offer you the states of Florida and Texas as reparations.  They are yours, free and clear, with a built-in peace treaty as long as you don’t try to return them.  Happy Thanksgiving.  Enjoy!

(In the interest of full disclosure I previously tried to give them back to Spain and Mexico in the past but had no takers.)

Are they for storage or protection?  You are not sure, are you?  How would you like it if you were an important part of something and nobody cared enough to learn what you do?

Mitochondria generate power in cells and can be found in nearly every plant and animal. They convert oxygen and nutrients into adenosine triphosphate (ATP), which powers a cell’s metabolic activities.  Sure, maybe they are not as shapely as the cytoskeleton, as centered as the nucleus or as into physical fitness as the Golgi apparatus but they are still deserving of your love and attention.

So next time you are at a family function eloquently waxing poetic about the sensual wonders of the endoplasmic reticulum, stop for as moment and think about the other cell components, like the mitochondria, that play an important but less visible role in this thing we call Life!.

We all need a little positive reinforcement in our day.
(Do I craft a gnarly metaphor or what?)

Those of you that religiously follow the biblical tract that requires you to provide the latest designer toys to your designated recipients may have a devil of a time finding them in stock.  An article “Supply Chain Crunch Could Threaten Christmas Wish Lists,” warns of a shortage of the following “must have” items:

PAW Patrol Movie Tower
Barbie’s Dream House 2021
Lego Super Mario Bowser’s Castle Boss Battle Building Kit and Expansion Set
My Squishy Little Dumpling
Squeakee the Balloon Dinosaur
Thames & Kosmos Mega Cyborg Hand
Got2Glow Fairy Finder (So many punchlines, so little time).

I am not sure how to handle a crisis of this magnitude. Perhaps you should seek the advice of your priest, Minister, Rabbi or Hedonistic Pagan Guru.
There must be more to Christmas than getting the right toy. (Besides, I already have My Squishy Little Dumpling!)

Officially, the Freemasons are the oldest and largest fraternal order in the world. Unofficially? That’s more complicated…

The earliest origins of the Freemasons are shrouded in mystery, but it’s believed that the fraternity began during the Middle Ages.  The group was originally a stonemason’s guild (hence the name Masons), but soon the Guild became less about stone laying and more about secret meetings.  It appears the result of the meetings was to decide not charge for their work causing them to be known as Freemasons. 
In 1717, four Masonic lodges formed the first Grand Lodge in England and started to keep more complete records of the fraternity’s history.  From there, the fraternity spread throughout the world and included branches across Europe and the Americas. Today, there are upwards of 6 million Freemasons all over the world, with some 1 million in North America alone.  While retaining the word Free in their name, they have made one major change in their charter.

They now charge union scale for their work.  Everything else is secret.

At 5:11 AM this morning I received the following anonymous text:  “Your BTC Wallet has been funded with 10.1 Bitcoin ($598,546.08).  Please login to confirm your balance.”

You can imagine my excitement to know I am now rich.  I will login to collect soon but I have a few other email offers to get first:

• I need to order the tea that I drink 4 times a day and the weight melts off me without diet or exercise.  I like my tea with fudge brownies ala mode.
• There is a pill I can get that does the same thing while I sleep at night.
• Yet another pill will enhance my anatomy so I can switch from boxer swim trunks to speedos and impress the ladies on the beach. 
• Ordering a set of never need to sharpen Ginsu knives will allow me to toss tomatoes in the air and make perfect slices.
• A beautiful woman knows that we were meant to share true love…just send my American Express number for luck.
• A credit repair service can hide years of credit card abuse.  Hopefully they can get me a new card to pay all my other bills.
• I can order a green elixir that will give me all the vitamins and anti-aging elements I need to live in perfect health at any age.  Again no pesky exercise needed.

Dr. Oz, Have you been sneaking into mommy’s room and using her computer again?  You are on a TIME-OUT!