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Archives for October 2021

Don’t You have Enough Things To Be Afraid of Already?

10.21.2021 by Fred Berman //

We all must love to be afraid because fear has dominated our lives for the last 5 years. Do these sound familiar?

     “The illegal aliens are coming…BUILD A WALL!”    “The Radical Left…Socialists…want to tax our beleaguered billionaires to rebuild our crumbling infrastructure, feed our children and fund affordable healthcare and quality education!”  “They want to teach truth in schools, truth, stop them!”  “They are coming for our guns, buy more guns, they want to take away our guns!”

Politics does not scare me.  My nightmares still originate on Elm Street.  Sure, I saw In Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare, where Freddy is stabbed with his own bladed glove by his daughter, Maggie Burroughs, and then blown up with a pipe bomb, the explosion completely destroying Freddy and releases the dream demons giving him his power. 
But, I just heard the “my pillow” guy, spotted Freddy Krueger at the Rite-Aid in Springwood, Ohio, purchasing a case of razor blades.

If we let fear rule our hearts, monsters can make a comeback. Now that is frightening!

Categories // Daily Inflammation

Palindrome Versus Semordnilap?

10.20.2021 by Fred Berman //

If you can answer that question you are in the top 10% group of people with useless knowledge.  But for the rest of us normal people let me explain.

A palindrome is a word or sentence that is exactly the same whether written forwards or backwards.  For example:

  • Taco cat.
  • Madam, in Eden, I’m Adam
  • Mr. Owl ate my metal worm.
  • Step on no pets.

A Semordnilap is a word that when written backwards becomes a different word.  Here are a few examples:

  • Diaper        –      Repaid
  • Desserts     –      Stressed
  • Looter        –      Retool

AHA!  You have fallen victim to my plot to eradicate idiocy from our planet.  You have occupied several million brain cells retaining this fascinating information, thereby diminishing your capacity for absorbing any further information regarding the Kardashians.  You no longer need to keep up with them.

You are welcome.

Categories // Daily Inflammation

Oy Vey! Two More Chinese Real Estate Developers Are In Trouble.

10.19.2021 by Fred Berman //

More bad news from financial times in China.  The real estate market is crumbling like a stale fortune cookie.
Sinic Holdings said it likely won’t repay $250 million worth of bonds and China Properties Group said it defaulted on $226 million worth of notes.  

What does this distressing news mean to everyone outside of the People’s Republic?  Really, not a thing unless you have transferred all that excess cash stored in your mattress into Asian real estate stocks on the Shanghai Stock Exchange (SSE).  It’s just that as a human being I feel sad when I hear of any misfortune visited upon another person, friend or foe alike.  So to my fellow humans in Shanghai, Beijing, Hangzhou, Chongqing, Tangshan, Fuzhou, Tianjin, Ningbo, Wuhan, Nanjing, Wuxi, Dongguan, Xi’an, Zhuhai, Zibo and Little Havana, I say “Stand Tall.”  You have nothing to be ashamed of.  In the U.S. this is a standard business practice called Chapter 11, Bankruptcy.  Just another way for select billionaires to screw the working man.  If you do it enough here you can get elected President!

Categories // Daily Inflammation

My Journey From Empty Carbs to Whole Grain Does Not Mean I Forget My Friends!

10.18.2021 by Fred Berman //

On December 31, 2020, in these very pages I bid farewell to Cap’n Crunch cereal.  I still get nostalgic at breakfast and miss its sugary deliciousness.  But the added fiber does do its job… A story for another time.   This is about my dear friend Horatio Magellan Crunch.

As you all know he came from Crunch Island, home of Mount Crunchmore. His first name, Horatio, is a tribute to Horatio Nelson, the British naval hero who led his men to victory in the Battle of Trafalgar. His middle name is a nod to 16th-century Portuguese explorer Ferdinand Magellan.  And although I am now a steel-cut oats and non-GMO Shredded Wheat and Bran man, I still have a warm glow in my heart for The Captain and wish to right an egregious injustice perpetrated on him by the soulless ghouls at Quaker Oats who themselves are controlled by nefarious puppet-masters at PepsiCo.

The shocking reality is the three stripes on his uniform represent a commodore rather than a captain.  Stand with me, post your outrage on social media, write to congress.  Say WE DEMAND that from here forward the cereal be called Commodore Crunch!

(P.S. And while you’re at it Quaker Oats, lose those horrible tasting Crunch Berries.  The only food more disgusting than that is Pumpkin-Spice Oreos).

Categories // Daily Inflammation

Turn Off the Television and Take a Ride On “The Lincoln Highway”

10.17.2021 by Fred Berman //

Have you read “A Gentleman in Moscow?”  No?  Then you have not done your homework.  Look at the “Best Books Ever” section in this website start reading.

Based on “Gentleman” alone I would say Amor Towles is one of the best living American novelists…throw in the dead ones as well.  It is that good.  And he has followed it up with “The Lincoln Highway.”  I am not a reviewer and certainly do not want to discuss the plot so you just have to read it.  There is no padding in his writing.  Every word is there for a reason. He masterfully cultivates our understanding of unsympathetic characters (see Duchess) and touches our heart with those we choose to care about (many others).

Sorry, no witty punchline.  Read the books, you’ll thank me.  And if you do not agree with me (how dare you?)  I have a middle finger at the ready to respond to your contrarian balderdash!

Categories // Daily Inflammation

“Blue Lives Matter!” We Stand With You Papa Smurf!

10.16.2021 by Fred Berman //

Yes, I hear you, all lives matter.  But apparently some of you special needs people are unable to comprehend that the Black Lives Matter movement is a plea for equality and not a claim of superiority.  It is an attempt to level the playing field.  I support the quest for true equality for everyone on earth, including our cuddly little blue friends living in their masterfully engineered mushroom shaped houses in the forest.

In the interest of full disclosure I have a personal stake in this issue.  Many years ago I attempted to cross racial barriers and ardently pursued Smurfette.  She rejected my advances and chose to be with Hefty Smurf instead.  She was probably right to steer clear of me.  As much as we hate to admit it racial prejudice is still rampant in our society.  We’d have never made it.  Outside the Smurfs forest community, White and Blue don’t mix well.  Both people become lighter shades of their former self.  

“Life has taken us down different roads, Smurfette.  But we will always have the memory of those lazy Saturday morning Cartoon-fests together.”

Categories // Daily Inflammation

Alert! Dogs Have Been Banned From Antarctica

10.15.2021 by Fred Berman //

 Actually it happened 30 years ago. In 1991, the Protocol on Environmental Protection was enacted, banning all non-native species (except humans). The goal was to prevent the introduction of infection or disease from outside.

A life-saving idea:  We expand the ban by changing the geography to local public gathering spots like supermarkets and restaurants and swap dogs for unvaccinated humans who refuse to wear a mask.  By doing this we too can stop the proliferation of disease into our population.   

Get vaccinated you brainless weenie!  (I mean that in the nicest way)

Categories // Daily Inflammation

My Summer Reading List

10.14.2021 by Fred Berman //

      “Jane it’s time to go. Get in the car.”  I yell back at Mom to wait a minute, I’m just finishing a chapter. I know she’ll ignore my plea.  I understand.  My little sister Lily is in the third year of her terrible twos and there seems to be no relief in sight.  I’m eight years older and never was a “wild child” like Lily.  Once she is settled in her car seat there is no time to waste.  We have only five minutes until the wailing begins.

     Starting out, while Lily is still quiet, I get the current version of Mom’s summer reading list speech, “Pick ten books, eight that are NOT mysteries and please don’t get side-tracked wandering the library aisles looking for imaginary clues. No more than two books can be Phryne Fisher mysteries.  I am happy you love Kerry Greenwood but you need to expand…” At this point I tune out.  I have heard it before.

     I always loved mysteries.  I’ve read every kid’s detective book written; The Hardy Boys, Nancy Drew, The Wollstonecraft Detective Agency, The West Meadows Detectives, Nate the Great and many more.  But when I found Kerry Greenwood’s novels featuring private investigator Phryne Fisher I knew my destiny was to be a detective.  I see the mystery all around me every day, but I know to be a great detective you have to have real life experience.  At my age reading is the best way to gain that experience.  I read a lot.

     We get to the library and Mom tells me we have 30 minutes tops. She and Lily will be in the preschool section and I should come there when done.  She warns me again not to get sidetracked.  I reassure her and head for the fiction aisle, A-C, my notebook ready.  As I approach the shelf there is a woman at the head of the aisle, examining the books of the A initialed authors.  I hang back allowing her space but she catches my eye and smiles, then returns to her search.  But before she turned away I clearly saw a question or message in her eyes.  She was trying to tell me something, communicate.  She needs help.

     I take a quick glance around.  There does not seem to be anyone watching us.  She is slim with shoulder length auburn hair and wears a stylish summer dress with Birkenstock sandals.  Money is not her problem.  Without looking back she replaces the book and moves down the rack where she removes, scans and then replaces another book. A quick glance back and she turns the corner.

     I quickly write down in my notebook the two books she wanted me to see. “A Death in the Family” Agee and “The Good Earth” Buck.  I try to decipher the message but have no time to think about what they might mean. I have to keep her in my sights.  I will revisit the titles when I have a moment but death and earth?  This may be much more serious than I had anticipated.  It might be my most challenging case to date.

    I quickly spot her in the D section.  Again she removes and replaces a book.  As she turns the corner I know she feels my presence and instinctively realizes I am here to help.  Checking the shelf I note “The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes” Doyle.  Message received, keep sending.

     Next, in the G’s, two books were slightly askew, “The Wind in the Willows” Graham and “The Fault in Our Stars” Green.  Time to piece some of this together.  She clearly wants help but is unable to communicate with me directly.  The answer comes when I next spot her at the H shelf.  There she speaks to a man.  He is about her age and well dressed.  They both have wedding rings and he softly touches her shoulder while they speak. They are married.  Both laugh as they seem to share a joke.  He is not the problem.  I glance down and holding on to her daddy’s leg is a little girl, about the same age as Lily. Daddy scoops her up in his arms, kisses his wife on the cheek and moves back the table where there are crayons and a coloring book. I get the message.  This case is not about a troubled marriage.  I have to dig deeper.

     After touching another book she moves on.  “The Old Man and the Sea” Hemingway.  Noted.  She runs her hand along the books as she walks but does not specifically touch one until she arrived at the M’s. She pulls it off the shelf and turns again to see me, speaking with her eyes saying don’t give up!  I add one more title to the growing list, “The Life of Pi” by Martel. This one puzzles me, but I’ll get there soon enough.

     She quickens her pace as if to say time is running out and I need to pass along the final clues before we are discovered.  It is all I can do to note every book she looks at or touches as she makes her way back to the table where her husband and daughter are coloring and waiting.  I write fast, “My Name is Asher Lev” Potok, “Snow Flower and the Secret Fan” See, “The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn” Twain, “Charlotte’s Web” White.

     She stops and removes one final volume.  Returning it she again glances back and smiles.  When she returns it to the shelf I make my final entry, “The Book Thief” Zusak. I step around the corner to watch her lift her daughter into her arms and kiss her cheek.  Daddy gathers the crayons.  Holding her daughter she turns and looks directly into my eyes, takes her daughters hand and pointing to me says wave bye-bye to the nice girl.  They both wave and smile, then, as dad takes mom’s hand, they all turn and walk toward the exit.

     Another mystery, why didn’t she check out a book?  Surely in all the thousands of books in the library there was one that sparked her interest.  Time to assemble the clues and solve the case.  I sit down in the same chair where dad colored with his little girl.  Opening my notebook I look at my twelve entries:

  1. A Death in the Family by Agee
  2. The Good Earth by Buck
  3. The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes by Doyle
  4. The Wind in the Willows by Graham
  5. The Fault in our Stars by Green
  6. The Old Man and the Sea by Hemingway
  7. The Life of Pi by Martel
  8. My Name is Asher Lev by Potok
  9. Snow Flower and the Secret Fan by See
  10. The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Twain
  11. Charlotte’s Web by White
  12. The Book Thief by Zusak.

 

     A good detective sometimes has to take in the entire crime scene all at once to determine exactly what happened.  Clearly the mother tried to get me to help her, but why?  Examine the evidence.  The first title mentions death and a later title is about life.  Next I see many natural elements, earth, wind, willows, stars and flowers. And so many people; an old man, Sherlock, Pi, Asher, Snow Flower, Huckleberry and Charlotte.  Also the word “adventure” appears twice in the titles. The final title refers to a book thief.  That doesn’t seem to fit, maybe a clue by itself?  I will need time to read all these books.  But like my favorite sweat shirt says, “So many books…so little time.”  The titles are not enough.  To help her I need to read the books.  She does not seem to be in any immediate danger.  I will figure it out!

     “Jane” the sound of sound of my mom’s voice shakes me out of the trance I fall into when working on a case.  She has a cranky Lily dangling on one arm as she leans over me. “It’s late.  You haven’t been sitting there the whole time have you?  What about your list?”

     Mom I’ve been working on a case.  A woman needs my help. I’ll get the list together.  I try to think fast to avoid another lecture on the advantages of reading a diverse group of authors my mom lifts my notebook from the table. I watch her jaw visibly drop.

     “Jane, I don’t know what to say.  This list is wonderful.  I’ve read most of these.  It’s a long list and I see you haven’t added any Phryne Fisher mysteries yet.  But the books are amazing and beautiful and I have to admit, a bit surprising.  I know you can do whatever you set your mind to.  I really don’t know what to say except thank you and please take Lily, my arm is numb.”

      Sure mom.  I’ll even read some of these to her. I am sure she will love “Charlotte’s Web”

Categories // Short, Short, Short Stories

19 Ways to Supplement Your Income During Retirement

10.14.2021 by Fred Berman //

As a public service to those of us that have gathered enough years to collect social security, (which BTW is money we have paid in all our working lives and not a government give away as many ass-hats in congress say), I read various helpful articles to save my fellow ancients time and money.  

In the above named article the first tip was to take advantage of the 10% Senior Discount at such fine dining establishments as Appleby’s, Denny’s, Subway and IHOP.  While you will save a few dollars off the menu prices, the likely trip to the emergency room to get your stomach pumped, or at least a healthy dose of Imodium A-D would cost more than you saved.

Tip #1:  Eat at home.
You’re Welcome.

Categories // Daily Inflammation

Did You Know There is a Market for Our Kind?

10.13.2021 by Fred Berman //

I got an invitation today to shop on-line at an e-store called Misfits Market.

How did they find me?
How did they know?

Categories // Daily Inflammation

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