Archives for July 2021

Yesterday Jeff Bezos and his +3 rocketed a toe over the Kármán line** into outer space and returned in 11 minutes making the second historic flight (meh?) this month; the first being Richard Branson’s historic**** jet flight to almost outer space but about 69,000 feet lower than Bezos.  And who knows what we will see in the near future from the third person in this trio of arrogant gazillionaires, Elon Musk.   Who knows what his company, SpaceX, is up to?   Elon is currently preoccupied with mining another bazillion dollars in cryptocurrency because why, he needs the money? 
“Hey, Tres Amigos from the Billionaires Boys Club, how about using a handful of your cash to pay taxes, feed the hungry, provide shelter to the homeless???”

And if any of you haters think I would be so shallow as to rant against successful intrepid billionaires out of jealousy, you can just…you should…well…SHUT UP!

**The Kármán line, an altitude of 100 km (62 mi) above sea level, is conventionally used as the start of outer space in treaties all Nerd-related pursuits.
**** Why do I keep saying historic?   It’s redundant.  If it happened, it’s in the past, it’s a part of history.  I just made a historic trip to the bathroom.  Big deal.

The Japanese call it Inemuri, literally translated “Present while sleeping.”  Simply put it is the ability to cat nap in public places; during a meeting at work, at a restaurant during lunch or in class.  It is a skill to be cherished and admired.

Hard work and long hours are not uncommon in the Japanese culture for those who seek to excel in the business world.  Mastering this skill demonstrates that you have worked late into the night and are able to seamlessly catch up on sleep without sacrificing productivity. Japanese consider Inemuri a sign of strength and accomplishment, confirming your worth as an invaluable employee.
Unlike Japanese business people I easily mastered this technique and can fall asleep during meals, television, reading, or even while talking to Linda.  It came naturally the day I turned 70 years old.

I’m a “Numbers Guy.”
Forty is not just the age at which your body turns against you and starts deteriorating.  The number itself holds mystical powers. Read and Learn:

• 40 Winks – Synonymous with regenerative Sleep. 40 is the number of winks Dr. William Kitchiner suggests taking for a perfect nap in his 1821 guide.
• 40 Whacks – The number of cuts axe swinging Lizzy Borden gave her mother in the celebrated classic poem: “Lizzy Borden took an axe, gave her mother 40 whacks…”  Historians now believe she gave another 40 whacks to her father  but in the name of  “poetic license,” the number was increased to 41 to maintain the A-A-B-B rhyme scheme of the poem; “When she saw what she had done, gave her father 41!”).
• 40 in the Bible generally symbolizes a period of testing, trial and then, finally, triumph.  Jesus spent 40 days fasting in the wilderness (See “The 40 Day Fasting Wilderness Diet” in bookstores now).
• F-o-r-t-y is the only number in English whose letters appear in alphabetical order. 
•  Minus 40 degrees, or “40 below,” is the only temperature that is the same in both Fahrenheit and Celsius.
• There are 40 spaces on a Monopoly game board, yet if someone has hotels on Boardwalk and Park Place it is a mathematical certainty I will land on one of them and go bankrupt.

That’s all I have on 40 and don’t get me started on 69!

We have our son’s family visiting in our home so as she does whenever we have visitors, Linda bakes and fills our cookie jar.  Today there was chocolate chip and Snickerdoodles.  I love snickerdoodles.  Walking by the jar I reached for one and saw a large orange in the untouched fruit basket adjacent to the cookie jar. For some strange and inexplicable reason I put the cookie back and ate the orange.
Linda took my temperature, looked for outward signs of trauma and asked if I smelled burnt toast. She then quizzed me on the date, our geographic location and my current feelings toward The Kardashians.  Everything normal.
I now have proof there is a higher power controlling the Universe.

It is time we returned to civility and understand we can have political differences and still respect each other.  It is possible to hold widely divergent ideas and remain calm and try to find some common ground, even if that common ground means we will “agree to disagree.”

Calling anyone a derogatory name is childish, mean-spirited and hateful. and hate only breeds more hate and discontent.  From there nothing good ever come.

I will take the first step and be the bigger person.  If you somehow, with no evidence but the ranting of a sociopathic egomaniac, believe that the democrats some how manufactured millions of bogus votes and trump actually won the election, I will refrain from pointing out that you are in the running for the coveted title of “Stupendously Ignorant Moron of the Year” and holder of a Golden Ticket on the unreality show “America’s Got Imbeciles.”

Instead of those childish rants I will offer you my love and suggest you spend time communing with nature; learn what really matters. Try one or more of the following activities:

• See the beauty of the Grand Canyon in a free fall from a plane without a parachute. 
• Marvel at the wonders at the bottom of the ocean having neglected to wear your SCUBA gear.
• Take a canoe trip on the mystical Cahulawassee River and make the acquaintance of a local mountain man. Be sure to brush up on squealing like a pig.
• Just go away; far away.

Greetings Grasshoppers:
It has been brought to my attention (yes, by me, but it still counts) that I have become a true influencer in many areas of Pop Culture.  Step aside Instagram, Tik-Tok, Youtube, Tinder, My Space, Friendster and the rest; I have arrived. 
It is in this spirit that I share with you a newly discovered universal truth about modern gift giving: 
Apparently women do not consider black lace thong panties to be the “best gift ever.”  
Namaste

It was just a month ago I commented on the cutting edge reporting of People Magazine and how they make a difference in this world gone astray.  My sarcasm, I thought, was justified by their vacuous and inane reporting.  But today they knocked me off my moral high ground with keen insights and in-depth award worthy investigative reporting like these:

• Whiz Khalifa says he contracted Covid – Has no Symptoms.
• Demi Lovato says they feel sexiest in the bathtub with no makeup. (Google Modern Pronouns)
• Editor of People: “They can’t believe any thinking human gives a rat’s ass about any of this,”  (Yeah, I made that up)

   You are wasting our time.  We need important information like details on the latest zillion dollar contract Harry & Megan signed!

On this day in 1798, The U.S. Congress passed the Sedition Act. The act made it a federal crime to write, publish, or utter false or malicious statements about the U.S. government.  Today, committing those very acts gets you a leadership role in the republican party.  

For many of us “seniors” all the new services and terminology can be very confusing.  The AARP does a good job publishing articles to help explain these to those who have gathered years but it is a daunting task so I am here to help.  
Following are a few instances, good and bad, where the true meaning might not be understood:

• Ancestry.com – Under the guise of providing some questionable information regarding your lineage they actually register your DNA to a dark web database. You may soon become an unwilling organ donor for an unscrupulous billionaire. 
• United Healthcare House Calls Program – They provide free health screening in your home for those with supplemental Medicare insurance plans. This includes taking a urine sample.  If you take advantage of the program don’t be surprised if your DNA is found at a crime scene and you have no alibi as to how it got there. “We find the defendant GUILTY, Your honor!”
• Robo-Call: Your SSA Account Has been Breached – Should you believe that this actually happened and supply Svetlana the information she requests you can expect your bank account to be drained and your credit cards maxed out within 24 hours.
• Nigerian Prince Needs Your Bank Account Number to Transfer You $5,000,000.00 – Good News!  This one is real. I just gave my bank account number and $5,000.00 to a Nigerian Prince in exile so he can transfer $10 Million to me. I get to keep half.  Just waiting for the transfer…any minute now. I guess he got delayed.

Today, July 12th, we are celebrating the birthday of my best friend, true love and soulmate. 
At our age we have nothing to hide so for those that want to know, Linda is ## years old.  What happened?  She is ## years old. Wait, I can’t backspace.  She is ## Years old. What’s happening to my computer?  I can’t get the numbers on my keyboard to work. Linda was doing something to my laptop yesterday… SHE IS ## YEARS OLD. 
I’ll try spelling out the numbers.  Linda is ########################## today.  
Wow!  She is good.  I guess if you want to know her age you will have to call me so I can tell you.  But wait, I am feeling a tickle in my throat and getting a bit hoarse…call soon!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY LOVE!