Archives for June 2021

In mid-June storms pelted Gippsland, a region in Victoria near the mainland on Australia’s southeastern edge.  Swollen riverbanks engulfed downed trees and pooled in the streets.  Thousands of homes lost power but when the rains subsided the shore glowed with an awesome sight.  It was as if the trees and shoreline had been covered in a gauzy film like translucent silk sheets strewn over the landscape; showing spots of branches, leaves and green grass beneath the billowing fabric.
The creators of this ethereal canvass were tens of thousands of spiders spinning their webs in a desperate and successful attempt to save their own lives.

I imagine after that horrific battle for life and a near death experience, the spiders must be filled with rage and a pathological need for revenge… and very, very hungry.

On this day in 1888, Professor Frederick Treves performed the first appendectomy in England.  Having received his medical training in the United States he made a natural assumption and incorrectly made the incision on the left side of the patient.

Take a minute…wait for it…

You have to keep your meal plans in sync with the times.
If Trader Joes Organic Valencia Peanut Butter, Bonne Maman Cherry Preserves and Ben & Jerry’s “Pistachio, Pistachio” were on your list of unlimited foods I would buy a lifetime membership.
Wake up and smell the carbs.

“Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.”  – Thich Nhat Hanh Vietnamese Monk, Zen Master, Poet

“Sometimes your joy is a happy ending, but sometimes a happy ending is supplied by Joy.  Call me.”  Joy Hanh Djahb,  Metacarpal Manipulator

A. Survey** estimated that 40 % of workers are considering quitting their job this year and there is most definitely a proper way to quit.  But in order to read the survey you must sign up and pay a fee which you probably can’t afford if you are quitting so forget about it.  You are not going to do any better anywhere else. Try actually working for a change and see if that helps.

**Alvin Survey: Socially stunted adolescent with a computer and raging acne.

Admittedly when I met Linda in 1973 the number of women I had known platonically, spiritually and biblically was very unimpressive by today’s “Anything Goes” standards.  But I was not totally uneducated, so I can’t blame inexperience. After dating for a very short time I learned Linda did not care to get gifts on holidays like St. Valentine’s Day, where retailers guilt the public into spending money to prove you care. She did, however, love gifts given for no other reason than that you saw something, thought of her and wanted her to have it. 

That was the spirit in which I gave her a frosted glass bottle of Jean Naté Friction Pour le Bain, After Bath Lotion. She was genuinely moved and asked what prompted such a thoughtful gift.  A relationship is based on truth, right?  So instead of one of a hundred answers I thought of later, “just wanted you to have something special for your bath,” I told the truth, explaining a previous girlfriend (yes, I said the name) had used it and I loved the scent.”  After the room immediately turned frostier than the bottle of lotion I soon realized my faux pas.  At that point there was no immediate fix so I slowly crept out of the room.  The bottle mysteriously disappeared, never to be seen or mentioned again. 

I had the good sense not to speak of this again; until now.  I am hoping after 45 years of marriage the Statute of Limitations on stupidity has passed and that we can all laugh about it!  Somebody look…is she laughing?  Too soon?

Not that “Reach Around.”  Get your minds out of the gutter!

I am speaking of the technique by which we old men choose a loaf of bread or a gallon of milk.  Stand back and observe the bread or dairy aisle.  When a “Senior” male chooses milk, sour cream, cottage cheese or a loaf of bread he will always, always, always look at the sell by date.  And even if that sell by date is two weeks ahead of the time it will take them to consume the product, he must verify that he is purchasing the product with the furthest sell by date on the shelf.  He will then employ the reach around, a technique requiring the skill of a cardiothoracic surgeon to remove the carton in the rear of the refrigerator case or the loaf buried deep on the shelf without upsetting the display or causing undue strain on one’s back.

I am actually quite adept at the technique and offer my consulting services as Supermarket Ninja if you need help in mastering this skill.  

On June 18, 1973, Sally Ride became the first American Woman in space.  But she was not the first woman in space.  That was Soviet cosmonaut Valentina Tereshkova in 1963.  The Russians were 10 years ahead of us in achieving this goal.  

Applying this logic I can make a prediction that an American agent will be elected president of Russia in the year 2027.  That would be 10 years after the Russians engineered the election of a soviet agent to the office of U.S. President.

 

…if not for the deliciously sweet chewiness of Roast Wildebeest.
It’s addictive and I am only human.

So you thought the Summer Solstice, the longest day of the year in the Northern Hemisphere measured by the length of daylight hours is today.  Well if you are in Dakar Senegal or Kolkata India you would be correct.  The actual time it occurs this year is precisely at 03:32 UTC (Universal Coordinated Time) on Monday, June 21. Your time zone in relation to UTC determines the date the solstice happens for you. If you are on the west coast of the US the time was 8:32 PM on Sunday, June 20th and on the east coast same day at 11:32 PM.
So…If it is the longest day of the year in the north can you figure out what is happening in the Southern Hemisphere?  That’s correct!  It is the shortest day.  I am sure MENSA will be knocking on your door with a gold embossed membership card any day now.

I love Monday mornings.  After a year of isolation things are opening up and Monday brings the promise of a week of annoying interactions with needy numbskulls who actually enjoy human contact.  Oh Well, got to get back now.  My glass is half-empty.