Archives for January 2021

A Short, Short, Short Story in Five (5) Parts

I.

The Winner

BY this time it had become rote.  I no longer watched the drawing.  There is a subtle comfort in waiting until Thursday or Sunday morning to look at the numbers drawn the previous day.  Waiting makes a statement.  It tells anyone who cares (though probably no one does) that I don’t really think I’ll ever win. It’s an impulse purchase.  You don’t really think you have a chance but, why not?  You are a regular guy throwing away a few dollars a week for fun.  If not on the lottery then what, weed, booze?  If you beat incredible odds, at least a zillion to one, and lightning strikes… the world opens up.  You can throw a party, take a dream vacation, quit your mind-numbing job and pursue your dreams of spending your days dispensing sage wisdom and dabbling in ostentatiously visual philanthropy.

No need to look at my ticket.  I had played the same numbers for the last 11 years. Quick click on the bookmarked lottery link and the winning numbers appeared but I do not look at them all at once. I cover the screen with a paper to dramatically reveal one number at a time.  I love that phrase, “The Winning Numbers.”   Makes me laugh.  No one ever won.  No one that benefitted me.  My ex-wife Margaret never understood my need to buy a ticket. I explained the rationale behind my purchase, “you can’t win if you don’t buy a ticket.”  Clear and simple.  But then she’d get revved up and unleash the usual old whine about being short on rent and food money, (come up something original Margaret).  Next came her daily “anything my idiot husband Ted does is wrong” diatribe, always leading to the grand finale where she educates me, again, with her dramatic soliloquy on the two irrefutable lottery truths: #1: “You have the same odds of winning whether or not you buy a ticket” and piece of lottery wisdom #2: “Somebody is going to win the lottery jackpot.  It’s just not going to be you.” 

When I didn’t agree to her vulgar demands, she stormed out of the room with a trailing final sentence, some form of “stop throwing our pathetically meager funds away on lottery tickets Dick head.”  It used to be a kinder “stop buying tickets asshole!”  When the name-calling escalated I realized our marriage of 12 years might be in trouble. It was not only the lottery or my disinclination to bathe causing problems. But those two minor irritants combined with her unrealistic expectations about our sexual relationship was a deadly combo.  Every Saturday night she’d spout the same complaint even though I showed her the facts: 5 minutes of intercourse combined with 5 to 7 minutes of foreplay is on the high-side of normal. It’s those damn real housewives of from where-the-hell-ever that fill her head with unrealistic expectations.

So here goes:  First up 8, check! 9, check!  Whoa two in a row, 12, Yahoo a free ticket for next drawing, I am on a roll one more and I’m in the money…13…YES! Four in a row and looking at $40 or more, Hmmmm? One more and it’s a cool mil, slowly, slowly…take a breadth…ENOUGH, act like a man! Just look at the last two before you build your hopes high enough to come crashing down.  Looking for a 14 and 27…14 and 27…! Now! 14 and 27…Holy shit!

II.

The List

“One for my master, one for my dame, one for the little boy who lives down the lane.”  Makes sense to me.  There is no definitive text or handbook on how to give away large sums of money to maximize good while minimizing the impact to the remaining balance.  Of course I want to.  Actually, I have to.  I promised that if I were to win i would share and make a difference in a lot of lives.  Whether or not that promise is enforceable is debatable, still I don’t think I want to chance the consequences.  I have seen enough movies on The Hallmark Channel to know good fortune unappreciated turns bad quickly! Of course, in the end you realize that you don’t need money to be happy. Sitting on just over $350 million I do not want to learn that lesson.
It is much too much money for one person.   And when I think about all the joy I can bring to others I am filled with a warm glow, knowing how much my gracious benevolence will be appreciated.  I am also aware, having read many tales in People Magazine of countless lottery winners that have fallen on hard times, been victims of crime and more commonly filed bankruptcy, that money can disappear as quickly as it arrived.  I want to be rich for the rest of my life.  That’s my priority right after doing the requisite amount of good. For sure, good comes first. I guess.

So, one for my master.  That is already taken care of.  I gave the taxman, state and federal all their cash up front. My accountant went berserk when I told him I was just going to withhold the entire maximum tax amount and be done with it. He really wasn’t my accountant.  He is my parent’s accountant. I barely made enough to require a long form so TurboTax has been my go-to for the last 8 years.  I asked them for a referral without disclosing the reason.  I may have led them to believe I had gotten a real job that paid enough to make taxes a consideration. The accountant starts in with tax shelters and charitable trusts and blah, blah, blah so I gave him an extra hundred thou to shut up and do what I say.  I also swore him to secrecy.  My state does not require that I reveal myself and I was taking advantage of that until I was ready to spread my largesse.  $350 million after taxes and no chance of an audit where I’d have to explain stuff is fine with me.

One for my dame. In the olden days, before I was born even, I am told this meant the church. Yeah, I am going to give $50 million to the church.  Have we met? Probably not, but I worship family and friends, not an invisible man who judges me unfairly, so my one-third, about, will be my dame giveaway, family and friends. Here goes my first shot:

• They have supported me all my life including a boost now and then as an adult. I held a grudge for a while because they did not like Margaret and they did a pretty lousy job of hiding it. But I loved her and they should have accepted her unconditionally.  I kind of forgave them when I finally admitted they were right and she was a nasty bitch with a terrible temper and a mind of her own. Probably the biggest mistake I ever made, or at least one of the top ten.
• My sisters have always taken care of their younger brother. They were actually more in my life than my parents. Abbie would include me in all her games like tennis.  I would always retrieve the ball and get her and her friends drinks or towels. Molly let me hang out in her room whenever she was there.  We’d play house and I got to clean her room and put away her clothes.  Lily and I signed a blood oath never to tell certain things to my parents and I never once broke a confidence, even when it required me to take responsibility for one of her mistakes. Any one of them would probably cut me in for half so I need to be extra generous with them.
• My older brother Durwood, a name that means “Gatekeeper” in England, I think, acted like a gatekeeper for me. He did try and protect me but mostly I didn’t need protection.  He would try and tell me how I was being taken advantage of by my sisters but I loved their attention.  Being ten years older than me we did not do a lot together but he is all right I guess.  He is my brother so I put him at the same level as my sisters.  I have to think a little more on this one.
• My aunts and uncles. Not much to think about here.  All were OK. No standouts in the crowd.  I’d seen them and my cousins on holidays and got birthday presents from most, although we all stopped giving presents at the age of 12.  We collectively feel presents are for kids and 12 is close enough to adulthood to cut the expenditure.  As my favorite Uncle Sol used to say, “12 years old is when I met B.J. Wilson and the initials did not stand for Bonnie Jean, if you know what I mean!”  Actually he only said that once and I didn’t see him much after that. Anyway they are all ok and I’ll let each individual family decide on the division of funds.  I have more important things to decide.
• Sven: Again not much to decide. We have been friends since the sixth grade and promised long an ago to cut each other in if one of us won.  Just my luck I am the one who has to give up the cash. But a deal is a deal so he gets a big chunk although he will probably feel cheated.  The term 10% was mentioned at some point in the past but there is nothing in writing.
• My friends Emmy and Lucy stay in contact with me. I get Christmas cards, regular emails and the occasional phone call, or more accurately texts. Those terms seem to be interchangeable these days.  I have known them for years and they did come to my wedding.  They are wonderful people and I do have a “Paucity” of friends. (Paucity is my Merriam-Webster word of the day so I used it. Yaay, 10 bonus points). I figured them at $8 million each, 20% lower than my male friend. Since they began as work friends I decided to give them 20% less for doing the same job to keep it real.
• I have a group of people I like. Who knows why? Some from work, some just from daily interactions but I want to be able to reward kindness and half a million can change lives. The names are Ted, Ariel, Simon, Roger, Sheri and Liam. They do require further thought but I need to set aside the funds. We’ll just see what we see!
• I am planning on starting a non-profit foundation to do good from now on. I figure $25 Million will be enough to start and perhaps attract some other donors to take over the burden.  I considered remaining anonymous but I think putting my name on it so people can understand where it came from and that I did not HAVE to give it away will create in them the desire to do the same.  As you can see, much thought went into the creation of my legacy.
• I put a million aside so I can carry a few $1,000 envelopes at any given time, just to give deserving people a boost. A homeless person, a waitress working to get through nursing school.  A single mom working 3 jobs to make ends meet or a young boy who gave his Christmas gift to a child in need.  I can see the internet lighting up with the story and then being tracked down by an intrepid reporter from the 6:00PM News.  I, of course, hope to remain anonymous.
• And then there is Margaret. After all, we had rocky times but we did love each other once, or rather I loved her once. She does deserve something for all those years together. Instead of money I think she would appreciate this more.  A huge bouquet of candy lollipops and a note saying “SUCK ON THESE, CRUELLA!”  That one is something for me.
• Here’s what it looks like. I still have over $170 Million for me. I should be able to make that last!

Mom and Dad	$ 10,000,000
Three Sisters: Abbie, Molly, Lily	$ 75,000,000 (1/3 each)
One Brother: Durwood	$ 25,000,000
Aunt Sally & Uncle Sol + 3	$ 5,000,000
Aunt Trudy & Uncle Bobby +1	$ 5,000,000
Aunt Helen & Uncle Sidney + 2	$ 5,000,000
Best Friend Sven	$ 10,000,000
Best Friends (fem) Emmy & Lucy	$ 16,000,000 (1/2 each)
Assorted Friends (6)	$ 3,000,000   (1/6 each)
Assorted Charities	$ 25,000,000
Surprise Giveaways – 1000 X $1K	$  1,000,000
Margaret	$ 0,000,000
TOTAL	$180,000,000

 

III.

The Revised List

Somethings wrong.  I put a lot of time and scientific analysis behind the division of my assets, i.e. my money and yesterday it made sense.  Somehow the figures seem a bit skewed to me today.  How can I spend 11 years working hard to gather these assets and then arrive at a division to give away more than I keep?  Being a naturally giving person, (yes Margaret, I know you see things differently but then reptiles are not known for their keen eyesight), I want to make sure and share my good fortune. I think a few adjustments will quickly balance the fairness scale. I’ll try take another crack at it. Round two:

• My parents are in their 80’s. What are they going to do with $10 million?  Buy a better quality instant coffee or move up from generic bran flakes to Kellogg’s?  They would end up complaining about the responsibility and give it back to us kids or, more likely, my dad would make some brainless move like leaving it to a charity as his little “gotcha” on his way out.  I’ll give them a prepaid Costco visa card so all their purchases will cost them nothing.  It will take some explaining but I will make them understand they can buy anything, always.  Actuarial tables would tell me they may spend two to three hundred thousand by the end of their lives. They will be happier, have no worries and can go bat-shit crazy in the Metamucil aisle.
• My dear sisters. $25 million each?  I really do need to take good care of them. They are all sweethearts!  The one downside is they all have husbands. Well, Molly and Lily have husbands, Abbie has a partner.  Same thing.  All three are pretty docile when it comes to dealing with their not-so-better halves.  Giving them money is giving control of a fortune to people I don’t really know.  Maybe they are having affairs or are ready to dump my sisters and ironically run off to Bali with Trixie from Human Resources.  Not on my money!  I think $5 million each and then, if they get dumped, I’ll have their extra $20 million waiting for them to mend the broken hearts or, more likely, throw the biggest party a small part of the money can buy. Very small, I will suggest.
• He is a conundrum.  He is my brother.  We share genes and a common history although our childhood memories are vastly different.  He was the first and showered with attention which he tries to play off as a negative. He opines about how he was doted on and never allowed to try anything dangerous or creative and I was an afterthought, or more accurately, an accident.  He said I had much greater freedom to expand my consciousness and have fun.  I was the lucky one being ignored. What a crock of baloney.  I don’t remember the fun part.  The raging narcissist gets $5 million and better show some appreciation or He’ll end up with a hearty handshake and a boot print on his ass.
• Aunts and Uncles. I can’t, in good conscience, give them more than my immediate family so BOOM!  They each get a million dollars.  More money than any of them have seen in one spot ever so they should be dancing on the rooftops singing Sweet Sue!  And if they complain I’ll see how they like the revised total, zero, zippo, zilch, nada, nothing!  Whew, that felt good.
• Sven, $10 million? We promised each other a million bucks if one of us wins.  Being practical I revised it to 1% of a giant jackpot, after taxes.  I guess in hindsight I might have thought a little too much about this stuff. But again, I am not comfortable giving too much and I will always be around if he has a need.  If his second wife dumps him like the first I’ll be able to refill his coffers if, that is, we are still friends.  And I do like him better than Durwood.  $5 million it is.
• Emmy & Lucy. I am getting tired of this.  Everybody always wants something but I don’t see anybody giving me anything.  Still, I need to share.  They are good friends when they want to be.  I am going to stick with my first thought. 20% less.  They get $4 million each.  We’ll see.
• Ted, Ariel, Simon, Roger, Sheri and Liam. $100 grand each. Take it or leave it.  Who else has ever given you that much.  Let’s keep the greed in check people and show some gratitude!
• My charitable foundation is sacrosanct. That is untouchable.  It will be my legacy and my joy.  Thinking about it I do worry about who will carry on and lead it after I am gone.  The best way for a charity to survive is to get a solid group of patrons or benefactors.  The trick is to touch a nerve in the largest amount of people with means.  I should put some thought into a cause I might feel comfortable in backing.  Animals are good.  Animal welfare shows my softer side but vegetarianism is off the table.  I’ll figure out something.  But how much should I put in?  If you start out with too great a fund they may not think they are needed or their funds would be better spent elsewhere.  I think I will start with $10 million and start to filter in more as the donor list builds.  In the end I may give much more than the initial amount I planned, if I manage to hang on to it.
• I am not budgeting any surprises. I will always keep a few Ben Franklins in my wallet to reward exceptional service or dire need but it will just be under the cost of living the life of a philanthropist.  No need to budget.
• I am also rethinking Margaret. I have confirmed with the attorney our marriage is dissolved and was so long before I won the money so she has no claim so why not move on.  Show that there are no hard feelings.  I kind of feel I won already.  But cash is so crass.  I think perhaps a significant gift showing I moved on, no recriminations; forgiveness flowing like champagne. I came up with a gift that I think conveys all this, closure in a box.  I am going to get her the deluxe model “For Her Pleasure Extra Large Vibrating Appendage,  “ So real you’ll think he is there with you!” and she can finally experience that all-nighter she has dreamed up in her mind

Let’s see what this looks like:

Mom and Dad	$       300,000
Three Sisters: Abbie, Molly, Lily	$  15,000,000 (1/3 each)
One Brother: Durwood	$    5,000,000
Aunt Sally & Uncle Sol + 3	$    1,000,000
Aunt Trudy & Uncle Bobby +1	$    1,000,000
Aunt Helen & Uncle Sidney + 2	$    1,000,000
Best Friend Sven	$    5,000,000
Best Friends (fem) Emmy & Lucy	$    8,000,000 (1/2 each)
Assorted Friends (6)	$       600,000   (1/6 each)
Assorted Charities	$   10,000,000
Surprise Giveaways – 1000 X $1K	$
Margaret	$                      59.95
TOTAL	$  46,900,059.95

BETTER!  Much better!

 

IV.

The Call

So then this happened. I had spent a day reviewing the list wondering if I was being cheap or, more likely, too generous.  I am a nice guy and tend to think of others before myself although Margaret would probably tell a different story.  But I think I have shown that her opinion is a bit skewed when it comes to me.

I sat looking for the obvious places to make cuts. I wanted this all worked out before revealing my good fortune to the world.  I thought I had finished, but I was staring at the list and felt uncomfortable.  There must be a clearer path and some scientific equation that would provide an answer. I think too much, a problem for us intellectuals.

Interesting.  I felt sorry for myself. Why is it always on me to figure things out?  As I began feeling the oppressive weight my cellphone rang. More accurately it starting honking like a rush hour traffic jam in Mumbai. I think ringtones say something about the person with the phone and this tone creates an aura of mystery around me when overheard by strangers. They always stare and seem to appreciate there is more to me, something special, uncommon. I looked at the name and saw the familiar “Unknown” on my Caller ID.  I usually hang up without answering but this time I figured maybe, now that I had the means and time I might be interested in hearing about the robocaller’s extended warranty or donating to an obscure charity so I answered in my usual way to avoid being recorded saying any positive comments.
“Si, Bueno.” It was surprisingly met with laughter.

“Hablas español? I happen to know you speak English Ted, but if you prefer you may pick the language. So, English, Español, parle Français?”

“English will do.”  I might have hung up in the past but he surprised me and that’s not easy for someone as worldly as me.  He had a smile in his voice that was immediately engaging and I wanted to hear what he had to say. He introduced himself as the son of a world famous evangelist.  I knew of his father even though he died some years ago.  Everyone from Popes to presidents knew his father.  I admitted I was not familiar with him, specifically.
“Ted, I do the Lord’s work.  Self-aggrandizement is not appealing to me so I use my father’s name on the ministry.  He is the saintly one.”

“Well Father or Pastor, I’m not sure what to call you.” As I started the process to extricate myself from his grip he interrupted and told me to call him Frank.  “OK, Frank.  You know I am not much for organized religion and working on some tough problems so I’m not going to waste your time.  Thanks for calling.”

“Ted I’m not knocking on your door to convert you.  I’m calling as a friend and businessman to save you from wasting time and a lot of money.  You are paying way too much in taxes and should exercise much better control over your lottery winnings.  You could use a friend right now, one with no ulterior motives that has no need or desire for your money.  My one and only reason for this call is to help you. I promised I would.”

Now I was visibly flummoxed.  I took care not to let anyone know, not even my parents, that I had won.  And doesn’t the accountant have to follow the same client confidentiality as a lawyer, like attorney-client privilege? So how did he know, and see my tax forms and get my cell number? What else does he know?  My fear and curiosity (cat-like I suppose) kept me on the line.  I had to find out how he knew I had won and what he planned to do with the information.  I chose my next words carefully.

“How did you know I won, what do you plan to do with the information and how did you get my cell number?”

“You forget who I answer to Ted.  I want nothing from you, not a single dollar.  I want you to be able pay only your fair share of taxes, retain control of all your assets so that you may choose when and to whom they go and forever free you from worry. I am only a spiritual guide, not a lawyer or accountant but I do have some keen insights on many things.  And I come with a built-in confidentiality clause. We should talk as soon as possible.  As providence would have it I am having a few friends in for dinner tonight and we’d love to have you join.

My warning alert button exploded in my head and I knew I had to get off the phone. But strangely felt I needed his permission. “I really am tied up for the next few days but I appreciate the offer. Let me get back to you. I’ve got to go.”  I really did.

“Ted, slow down. There are a few people coming tonight I know you’d love to meet.”  He read off three names, two famous actors (A-list I guess) and huge rock star for whom I have a “thing.”  I am being a touch secretive as I am not sure who knows what and I am nervous. Even a sophisticated player like me would feel a touch out of place in this group.  I couldn’t see it. “Frank, I…”

“I am aware that you don’t know me and may have a credibility issue but I assure you I cannot and do not lie. I have nothing if not my honesty and credibility.”  I got a chuckle out of that one.  A truthful televangelist.  I guess anything is possible. “It’s always exciting to try something new; have new experiences. Join us this evening.  I’ll have my driver pick you up at 7:30.  With a designated driver you’ll be free to enjoy the remarkable vintage wines I have selected from my cellar for this evening’s gathering.”

I guess whomever does his homework missed this one.  If he knows me so well he should know I am not a fan of the distilled grape; tastes like fruity Windex to me.  Actually I was pleased to see he did not know everything about me.  But hobnobbing with the glitterati?  And I now remember I had heard of Frank.  He backs idiot political candidates.  Yeah, that’s him a real asshole.  But why the hell not?  I’m a player.  Time to get into the game.  “What do I wear Frank?  I need more specifics.”

“I suggest pants, a shirt and shoes.  It’s just an informal gathering of friends.  I’ll introduce you to some wonderful and interesting people.  You and I will talk, in private.  I promise I am here to help.  The front door remains unlocked and the driver will take you home or anywhere you want to go at any time. No collection plate or pressure to convert. Simply a good time with good friends. Real friends you might not get to meet anywhere else.  We have some devout followers who are quite fervent in their belief. Don’t let hesitation or fear blind you to opportunities not open to others.  It’s your time.”

Wow, this guy is good!  But I’m better.

 

V.

The Calling

It has been a crazy three weeks.  I am standing on a stage in a television studio just minutes away from being on the air for the first time ever in my life.  While there are three networks covering this none of them are the ones I know.  All of them have a religious agenda and, according to Frank, a scary amount of viewers. Frank said he put the word out and the commercial networks are aware and will be tuned in so we may have to do a few more interviews today.  We want to catch the next news cycle. It has been announced the winner of one of the largest single jackpots in history, Ted Smith, will be addressing the nation tonight. So before I reveal myself, the real me, to the world as Frank suggested, I will catch you up.

I did go to the dinner party and was picked up in a stretch Navigator.  I shared it with three of Frank’s followers, Sylvia and the twins Rhonda and Roberta.  They were very interesting and told me about the worldwide crusade they are so proud to be a part of and explained about their fervent belief; how it led them to something I had not heard of before that night, glossolalia.

Sylvia explained, “You may know it as speaking in tongues.  It is a byproduct of our fervent belief.  When you are imbued with the Holy Spirit amazing things happen!”
“I’m afraid I am not that fervent about anything.” I tried to change direction, “Where are you all from?”

Rhonda cut in. “You are welcome to join us sometime.  You just don’t know until you open yourself up to new experiences. The Lord reveals himself to anyone who seeks truth. There is no requirement to be a true believer.  You will make up your own mind.” We turned onto a long semicircular driveway and were waived through the gates.  “We’re here. To be continued.”     

We exited the limo in front of a luxury mansion that may have been a palace.  I don’t think even my lottery winnings could finance a place like this. Frank greeted us at the door.  “I hope you learned a bit about us on the way.”

“I learned a new word, Glossolalia.”

“Yes, an interesting concept and quite real. The bible speaks of it in Corinthians 14: ‘Follow the way of love and eagerly desire spiritual gifts, especially the gift of prophecy. For anyone who speaks in a tongue does not speak to men but to God.’ We have a private chapel below.  Perhaps after dinner Rhonda and Roberta ,R-Squared as they like to be called, will feel like showing you how they seek to draw the spirit within.

“Again Frank, not really my thing, religious fervor.”

“You will find it interesting, as a secular educational experience.  Again, no locks on the doors and no requirements.  You have an opportunity to experience something new. You don’t need to figure anything out.  Just go with it!”

Dinner was fine.  Rockers and A-list actors seem to be just like you and me; people.  We talked about environmental issues, movies, music and somehow avoided politics. After dinner everyone drifted out to the garden for coffee and brandy and I suppose, eventually went home.  Frank invited me into his study for a private chat.
I settled into a soft leather chair with my glass of Napoleon Grande Fine Champagne Cognac that I was finding difficult to drink without gagging, yuck!
 “Amazing brandy, Frank!”

“It’s something not available to most people.  You should get used to that.  You are no longer most people.”

“I still feel like the same old Ted.”

“That’s what I wanted to talk about.  The ‘Old Ted.’  That Ted does not exist anymore. The sooner you embrace that the more time you can concentrate on living your life and spreading hope and joy.  Are you happy Ted?”

“I can’t think of a reason I would not be ecstatic.”

“Perfect. Then I am going to explain how to increase that happiness exponentially and share it with the world. Do you have enough money?”

“I don’t see how I could spend it all in two lifetimes.”

“Now that is a bit naïve,” Ted laughed. “   People with a lot more money than you have gone broke.  You are gliding down the highway and get lulled into a false sense of calm. The road takes a sharp unexpected turn and zap.  Next stop: an apartment in the valley and dinner at Denny’s.  I’ll get to the point.  Working together we can take what you have and double, triple or grow it beyond your imagination while spreading hope and joy. I am not talking about enjoying rare brandy and flashing a diamond Rolex.  I am talking about making a difference, being an inspirational leader, a guru to some, a king to others.”

For the first time in my life I was truly speechless.

“Ted, you have been blessed to receive a bounty that only a few in this world have or will ever experience.  If you share the experience and perhaps embellish the circumstances under which it all happened, the possibilities are endless.”

 “You mean if I lie. I’m a simple man Frank. Lay it all out.”

“Mark Twain said ‘Never let the truth get in the way of a good story’.  It is story telling in a manner to deliver the most impactful message.  Is it a lie if you tell someone their hair looks nice when it appears they just stuck their finger in a light socket?  You are mending a soul in pain with no motive other than to make them whole. If an alternate truth does no harm and succeeds in elevating your position and ability to help more in the future, isn’t that what we strive for in truth. ”

“But you have so much.  How much is enough? Why bother with me and my pittance?”

“I am an opportunity junkie, Ted.  If I see a possibility I must do all I can to make it happen. And of course I will be by your side and benefit from our actions so I too can expand my reach.  It enables me to do more good.  Scrap that give-away list.  In a year or two you can double the amounts and you will know who amongst them are your real friends. And as to your question about how much is enough, a great mentor of mine gave me the best answer for that: ‘More.’  Money and good deeds are limitless.

I turned as R-Squared walked into the room and for the second time today was speechless as they were both naked. “We are going into the chapel Ted if you care to participate.” They walked right on through to the stairs. As the descended Rhonda turned her head to me and said, “Glossolalia.”

“Frank, I am interested but now I feel set up.  Are they believers or are you there pimp?” Frank seemed genuinely surprised by my boldness which frankly surprised me as well. But he smiled.

“Ted, Rhonda has a Wharton MBA and manages a billion dollar hedge fund. Roberta has a Doctorate Degree in Comparative Literature from the Yale Graduate School of Arts and Sciences and is a popular guest lecturer. And in case you did not recognize their last name are the sole heirs to their father’s oil and gas fortune.  They do what they want.  They feel closer to the Holy Spirit without clothes. It works for many people.  There was no clothing in The Garden of Eden before the fall. We simply work and pray together. So everything in life is up to you.”

I nodded and headed for the stairs. Never having had anything concrete that I could call faith I hoped to feel something; be transformed by an out of body experience.  I entered the chapel and Rhonda and Roberta were holding hands and extended their free hands to me to form a circle.  I felt something the moment we touched. We spent an hour in the chapel with what I anticipated would be an educational experience focusing on Glossolalia.  I believe this might have been more of an atypical session as there was very little speaking but an abundance of tongues.  Dfeinately new to me.

So I hopped on board.  I am waiting to go on TV with my well-rehearsed impromptu speech.  Let me give you ESPN Highlight Reel of what Frank wrote for me:

• I am not the winner of the Lottery.
• I bought the ticket and collected the money but it was God who won.
• He tasked me to give the money only to the faithful.
• Those whom have sewn seeds of faith emerge from the shadows.
• He is angry my friends. He has run out of patience.
• The time to declare your faith is at hand. Come join us.

The lights go on.  The director counts down using his fingers as visual aids: “On in 3, in 2 in 1, go!”

“Good evening ladies and gentlemen, men and women of faith around the world.  I am Ted Smith, winner of one of the largest lottery jackpots on record.  My friend Reverend Frank has brought me here and suggested that I deliver my message directly to you and so I speak from the heart. What I have learned in that last few weeks is a culmination of a lifetime of experience.  Here are the five rules to live by:

1. Life is beautiful with family and friends by your side.
2. We are all God’s children regardless of who or what we worship, who or what we love.
3. We are all humans. Don’t listen to anyone who pretends to have all the answers.
4. Hate, fear and mindless loyaltyand adherence to an inflexible doctrine without question is dangerous.
5. Never buy more than one lottery ticket per drawing. More is a waste. If God wants to give it to you he only needs one.

I am just another man who is going to share what he has with friends, family and those in need.  And hopefully, as part of the journey, enjoy life.  Thanks for welcoming me in to your home.  Follow your heart.  If it seems to good to be true it probably is. Goodnight and good luck!”

Frank was livid. He was deep scarlet as he spit out “There will be consequences!  

“Wow Frank.  What are you going to do? Tell my wife? Don’t have one.  Get me fired?  No job.  Ban me from your church. But what about forgiveness if I repent?

“You forget Ted, or perhaps you didn’t realize I have video of you and the twins in the chapel.  That might make some interesting viewing. THERE WILL BE CONSEQUENCES!”

“You have video.  Burn me a few copies please.  That was something I never want to forget.  And as far as consequences, suck on this consequence for 10 minutes asshole!”  I strode out, not completely without fear of an errant bolt of lightening striking me in the back.

I feel great again.  Now I can get to spending and sharing.  I am so happy with myself I may even throw my ex-Queen of Mean a couple of bucks, for old times’ sake!  No. Sorry Margaret, that’s not going to happen.  There are consequences.