After many years of study, deep reflection, examination of the human spirit and an in-depth (although very one-sided) conversation with a burning bush, combined with their internet acceptance of a $39.00 payment on my American Express Card, I have gratefully accepted the ordainment of the Universal Life Church. (If you wish to pursue the rigorous requirements to be ordained tell them I sent you and you may qualify for the “Friends and Family Discount!”)
I am now qualified to speak authoritatively about any and all of the religions in the world.
In the interest of full disclosure I must admit I was absent for the lecture on the core beliefs of the Holy Apostolic Catholic Assyrian Church of the East, and will not include them in my musings. Apologies to those who are now sighing heavily with disappointment.