These gems come to us from “Craft Your Happy Place,” a site that turns up on my MSN landing page. I won’t torture you with all 17 but there are some that seem so simple yet open to interpretation. For those I feel you will benefit from further explanation. The first few need no explanation. Very simple; if when you are in public you talk loudly on a cellphone or to someone next to you, or even worse swear loudly, play loud music without headphones, leave trash, or cut in line, you are an asshole; no doubt, no argument, game over. But there is a gray area in some cases so keep these in mind:
- Public Displays of Affection: A peck on the lips or platonic pat on the posterior, no problem. If you are doing a hard target search for your partner’s larynx with your tongue, you best get a room.
- Invading Personal Space: We all need to a small buffer zone around us to feel comfortable. Be mindful of others and if the situation requires you be close, at least have the decency to suck on a TicTac.
- Picking Your Nose: You might think this should be under the “No Duh” section but if you think about it…? If you’re a man in a bar attempting to hook-up for a meaningless night of “can’t wait to brag at the office tomorrow,” it’s a major time-saver. If she’s still there after the pick and roll you have an 88% chance of scoring. For women it is the opposite. They can use it to dump a loser at the bar who is not getting the hint his advances are unwelcome. But I have bad news for you ladies. If a guy thinks he has even a remote chance of bagging the big prize, it will take a lot worse than an errant booger search to dissuade him from trying.
- Talking About Inappropriate Subjects: Sure it’s important to tell your girl a mysterious thing has popped up on your weenie, but wait until you are alone or, at least, out of the earshot of others.
- Ignoring Social Cues: Be aware of others around you. Understand what they are trying to impart with body language or facial changes. If they are dry-heaving while you describe this mornings perfect bowel movement, realize they do not share your love of scatology and adjust your conversation accordingly.
It’s all just common sense, but for you social misfits, I am happy to navigate for you on your voyage of discovery.